10. Bill Wyman, Rolling Stones (but only if the girl is younger than him by 40 years)
9. John Entwhistle, The Who (but only if the girl is a coked-up stripper in Vegas)
8. Tony Kanal, No Doubt (10 inch penis, once dumped Gwen Stefani — nuff said)
7. Danny Lohner, Nine Inch Nails (likes porn chicks — but then, who doesn’t?)
6. Paul McCartney, The Beatles, various other shitty bands (but only if the girl is a one-legged vegetarian model)
5. Jason Newstead, Voivod & formerly Metallica (groupies say he’s just too ugly to fuck)
4. Flea, Red Hot Chili Peppers (likes to play naked or wearing only a tube sock — the chicks dig it)
3. Twiggy Ramirez/Jeordie White, Marilyn Manson & A Perfect Circle (once sucked Marilyn Manson’s penis while onstage…changed his name, but groupies still won’t touch him)
2. Sting, The Police, various jazz combos (student of Tantric Sex — can maintain erection for 6 hours. Porn actors argue that he’s actually injecting steroids into his penis)
1. Gene Simmons, Kiss (in competition with Ron Jeremy to see who can bang the most chicks before they die…Ron edging ahead since Gene spending too much time writing books and promoting Kiss Caskets)

This Update Is Brought to you By Tim Case, who Stole it From george Carlin:

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and he Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:

a) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of The Christian faith.
c) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

11. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . ……they’re cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Frank Writes “Nobody Recognized Danny”:

You want to know why? He plays BASS!!

“NOBODY fucks the bass player.”

Now if you can place that quote, I’ll be really impressed.


Gene Simmons Responds:

Nobody fucks the bass player? Could have fooled me.

Tod Hunter Adds:

Tell Gene Simmons that there’s an exception for bass players who can lick their eyebrows.




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