50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

 From Azoy on GFY….I gotta admit  I think Azoy has had some REALLY annoying girlfriends, I cracked up

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. Stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I don’t know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy.

12. Not shaving your legs. If you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. Trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, it’s his way of showing that he cares if you get off.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous.

20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when he’s touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. Its your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So you’re a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. It’s ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3-some. It’s the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It’s another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can’t jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know its not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little…fishy…perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

29190cookie-check50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

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28 Responses

  1. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

    Ok, why is this guy putting on a bra every day?

  2. She can also tell us why it’s ok for a guy to shove your head down onto his cock because you’re not doing it right, but a woman is supposed to SAY what she wants in bed. Guys aren’t capable of verbalizing what they want?

  3. Goddess! You’re funny.

    Maybe dating should require a contract and a pamphlet for notes-referral before the date so no one does anything they shouldn’t do and is bound to do everything they should do. Cock-gagging, reverse-cowgirl-riding and severe non-cuddling tactics at the very end… maybe that even results… in murder. That’s hot. j/k

    Oh, and there should be a clause that if you’re a paraplegic female, you must supply the ceiling attachments to hold and bounce you on his (or her) penis so that you are still doing your fair share of the boinking exercise. 😀 Clever!

  4. Im digging the estrogen v. testosterone clash going on here…

    Goddess yer a riot wait till you read the decadent shit Im doing HERE LOL

    OK its not really decadent but trust me its a different mentality

    wheres here you ask…you will find out soon

  5. No, my point is that she thinks women should speak up in the bedroom, but I guess we’re supposed to ASSume shoving our heads down on their cocks is the male universal action for “I’m not happy with the way you’re sucking my cock”? Puhleeze. Guys can speak up too. Hell if they can ask for a threesome, they can tell you how they want their cocks sucked.

    I’m thinking this chick must be a real laugh riot in bed….you know, once she’s finished reading all the “do’s” and “don’ts” of sex with her. Julie’s contract idea is probably a better one. Spell out everything in plain English:).

  6. Wherever it is, it can’t be holding your interest too strongly, South, or you’d be out enjoying yourself instead of writing for your site;)

  7. Well, I think it’s very entertaining, but seriously, if he/she knows fifty things that can go wrong during sex, he/she might want to set his/her standards a bit higher. Sounds like he/she screws anything that moves!

    “44. Not washing before sex.” – Who doesn’t wash before sex?? Ew!!!

    I’m sooooo glad I don’t date anymore!!! When you’ve been married long enough, you can say things like, “Rinse it off in the sink, honey. We need to do this NOW!” Ha!

  8. LOL! I agree, Julie. For a minute, I was wondering why she even bothers to have sex after dealing with all that.

    And it’s so nice to hear other married couples say the same sorts of things we do;) When I read #16, I was thinking this person can’t be in a long term relationship because you DO know what the other person wants by the noises they make. Sexual shorthand;)

  9. This HAD to be written by a woman. No way in hell I could remember 50 things not to do while having sex. And I sure don’t want my partner going over this list in her head while I’m attempting to give her the best 45 seconds of her life (or mine, maybe)!

    HOWEVER, I would like for every woman who reads this (especially if there’s even a snowball’s chance in hell that we’ll ever have a sexual encounter) to commit #45 to conscious and sub-conscious memory. PLEASE !!!

  10. Guess we should have known it was written by a woman by the wordiness.

    I have a question, though. Does any woman over the age of 25 even READ Cosmo? It’s such a lameass mag.

  11. you guys are cracking me up…and goddess….ya i shouldnt be updating but I have to…but just wait till you read about what I have done the last three days and will be doing the next 27, my life has already been permanently changed. Its amazing

  12. LMFAO! Hunter: “HOWEVER, I would like for every woman who reads this (especially if there’s even a snowball’s chance in hell that we’ll ever have a sexual encounter) to commit #45 to conscious and sub-conscious memory. PLEASE !!!”

    There’s no chance, after your definitive exclamation, that some woman, somewhere, won’t want to violate your manly parts.. I promise. That statement you made, Hunter, is like an open invitation to excavate as frequently as possible. This whole damn blog has been an incredible source of enjoyment for me. Goddess, please post your comments more! You are damn funny, woman! 😀

  13. Oh, and #46…? I know gay men that won’t spew on 500 count ( and more – no less) cotton Egyptian sheets, no matter how absolutely sex-tasctic the guy is… and if they don’t go for it, baby…I don’t , either! 😀

  14. Hmm hard to imagine what you HAVEN’T done, Mr. Sex on a Turtle’s Back. And hard to imagine what you’d WANT to do for 30 days in a row. I’m guessing you’re not learning from a Zen Master, so I’m thinking one of those live sex shows over in Amsterdam or wherever. Cuz dang if you’re in Brazil….sigh.

  15. While reading this, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry….Dear Lord, how on earth are you meant to have sex if you have to think of all these things? :))

    This is like the ten commandments for sex or something… Or should that be 50 commandments for sex. It’s worse than that magazine ‘Cosmo’!

    Noone is perfect, noone is the most spectacular person in bed, we all have different likes and dislikes, some of us (like myself) even choose not to have sex at all at this moment in time for one reason or another.(uh oh, better cart me off to the mental asylum…how loopy am I? LOL) Sorry, slight sarcasm there.:)

    It should never be taken as seriously as this folks..As long as noone is getting emotionally or physically hurt,and people are respectful and honest with each other, I say fuck these rules and just..well,… fuck! ;0)Do whatever feels right for you.

  16. Okay, I actually had to google “Sierra Nevada”. I figure there can’t be five mountain ranges or colleges. So I’ve made a mental note, “never be naked in the same room with Julie and alcohol” *SMILE*

  17. Dear Lord, how on earth are you meant to have sex if you have to think of all these things? :))

    Angel, it sounds like she’s thinking of them while she’s having sex…LOL!

  18. Great piece! Though I don’t agree with them all, it’s nice to read the other side of the coin. I rate this piece “Slap Happy”. Makes you want to slap your forehead and yell “D’OH!”, want to slap your knee and laugh out loud, and want to slap your girl and yell, “BITCH!”.

  19. “He/she could be a hermaphrodite… ”

    Oh, Julie!!! This thread is like an avalanche, just keeps going downhill! I’m going to go help Lady H and Goddess search for Waldo South.

  20. I think the writer of this article forgot one.

    I read a Dear Abby column recently in which a guy was waiting for his wife to come out of the shower so they could have sex. When he went in to see what was taking so long, he found her scrubbing the grout.

    So “no scrubbing the grout while your man is waiting to get laid!” Of course that might be an excellent time to get him to commit to a bathroom remodel…

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