I am an American Idol fan….I know that it has become cliched lately..becoming more about the “behind-the-scenes” sob-stories as each season, more and more of the world’s supposed “every-day Joe’s” leave behind their mundane world’s of being a waitress at the Waffle House in Huntsville or cleaning Porto-Jons in Peoria, to chase their lifelong dream of becoming the next Beyonce’. Consequently, with every audition in each different city all over America, there are new stories of sadness, overcoming adversity, surviving horrible tragedies or illness, or being paroled just in time to make the audition. It seems each person is trying to out-do the other with whose story is the most gut-wrenching, the most awe-inspiring, in other words, whose story is most commercially viable?
But besides the never-ending parade of Flo-wanna-bees, the REAL genius behind the American Idol phenomenon is the format that is used to decide a winner…the first gauntlet that a contestant must successfully pass is the judges panel. We all know them…they have been on television now for so long we feel like they are family. Randy…the stoner cousin that everybody likes, but no one understands due to the fact that his every-day conversation is peppered with more unintelligible slang than a drunken-sailor on three-day leave. You know what I mean dog…good lookin’ out. Then we have the hottie Diana, every male in the family comes to family events JUST to see her again…to desperately grasp at yet another opportunity to fill the old memory banks with future masturbatory fantasies. What will she wear at the next family reunion? There’s the brother-from-another-mother from another continent, Simon. His accent is annoying, but EVERYONE thinks he’s SO cool because he lives in jolly-old England…oh and he was on Top Gear. Is he going to settle down with THAT girl? Or is he going to continue to remain a “confirmed bachelor” and further fuel the inebriated ramblings of grandma that he’s a closeted homosexual? There used to be your crazy, slightly depressed, very-much sex-crazed sister Paula. She has the penchant for always making the MOST inappropriate comments at the most inoportune times, and always with a glare in her eye that makes you wonder who her therapist is…so you cross him off your list of possible medical professionals. But she’s been banished from family reunions…we are not sure if it was by her choice or at the request of brother Simon and second-cousin Simon Fuller, the producer from LA by-way-of the UK, the guy with the Bentley that everyone talks about.
So the departure of sister Paula necessitated finding a replacement. And the geniuses at American Idol decided to insert Ellen, the somewhat-butch, somehow quasi-feminine, “life-partner” of your third cousin Angela. But wait a minute…she’s not even FAMILY…is she? I mean, I’m not trying to get into a political argument about the pros and cons of gay marriage, and gosh knows I love to eat a pussy as much as the next girl…or guy. But Ellen Degeneres? Why didn’t they ask Shecky Green (Tony) to be a judge? He knows about as much about music as Ellen does. If simply being a “consumer and fan” of music sufficiently qualifies you, why not ask my second-cousin on my mother’s side who knows a guy that lives next-door to a woman that plays squash with a guy named Sterling that spends about $400 a month on Itunes to replace Paula? I know some guys that play “Dance-Dance Revolution” wicked-bad, and they know all the hot songs by heart. I think they could weigh-in intelligently on a potential Idol candidate. I realize Ellen is a Hollywood “tour-de-force” in television…and American Express commercials. But correct me if I’m wrong but how many platinum-selling albums has Ellen released? How many popular songs has Ellen written, or co-written? I believe that number is a big-fat ZERO.
I don’t understand this choice at all. But I didn’t understand why Paula left. I enjoyed her ramblings…her big rings, her sexy clothes….and of course her awkward come-ons to skinny Puerto Rican contestants. But Ellen Degeneres? WTF? Did the producers of American Idol have a temporary lapse in sanity? As if reality TV wasn’t absurd enough, now we have the most pre-eminently UN-qualified person judging who should make it through Hollywood week and who should not. And she didn’t even have the decency to show up at the BEGINNING of the season! I mean, that makes about as much sense as having…oh …I don’t know…say…Ellen Degeneres ….judge a blow-job competition. Where’s her frame of reference? Upon what life-experiences does she draw when making decisions regarding whether to continue, or crush forever, the life-long dreams of so many singer/songwriter/musician hopefuls? I bet she thinks the ‘ole “two-fister with the combo nut-sack suck” is gauche…and would probably penalize a contestant for it…can you imagine…PENALIZE! And don’t even THINK about the classic “finger in the butt” move…automatic disqualification on hygeine grounds alone. I have OCCASIONALLY laughed over the years as she rose through the ranks of fame. But her core sch-tick has always seemed to be “I’m a lesbian…look at ME!”, and that just doesn’t play well with me. Again, no hate mail, I LOVE lesbians, and sometimes, I even play one on TV. Nevertheless, Ellen knows as much about what will, and won’t, deliver commercial success in the music business, as say, a deaf person. These are just my humble opinions, and opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and some are prettier, and taste better, than others. All I know is this: when I have my show “So You Think You Can Fuck” me, and me ALONE, will be the FIRST “screener” of potential male talent.