State of Ohio Fears Nipples, Preemptively Harms Them-

Columbus, OH- On Wednesday, July 16th, an aspiring pornographic actress made her way out to the sleepy city to perform a job commonly referred to as “Feature Dancing”. This loathsome act usually consists of the perpetrator taking off her clothes and dancing in a sexually suggestive manner for pornography addicts and sexual deviants alike, often leading to rape, incest, child molestation, increased crime, female degradation, substance abuse, homosexuality, bestiality, and invariably, hell.

The state of Ohio was prepared for her kind though. Apparently, the root of the problem lies in her areolas, the darkly pigmented circles located in the middle of her mammaries, commonly referred to as “nipples”. These “nipples” were the subject of intense debate among a group of altruistic holy people who inherited a few billion dollars from the former owner of Chiquita Bananas last year and had nothing better to do with the funds after they found that world hunger, war, and preventable childhood illnesses had all been alleviated. With no recourse they turned to the evils of sexual expression, nudity, and free will. Now they can successfully claim to have banned nipple exposure in the state of Ohio and have moved on to other states with unwavering gusto.

Patrons of the venue she was contracted to perform at are relieved that they will not be subjected to such obscenity any longer. Before the anti-nipple legislation there were many reports of citizens who unwittingly found themselves inside these venues and were apalled at the sexuality that was forced on them. Other reliable reports have confirmed that the nudity was actually visible through the cement walls of the establishment, creating a clear and present danger. It is predicted that the deviants and pornography addicts who still frequent these businesses will change their ways now that they are forcefully being weaned off the nipple.

The pornographic actress was required to wear flesh-colored tape over her areolas and paid duly for her sins every night when she went through the agonizing pasty removal, as well as the mental torment when she saw herself in the mirror and looked like a freak because she had no nipples. God’s wrath was more than apparent on the last night of her unwelcome visit, when she attempted to remove the protective devices with hot water and only exacerbated the problem. She was still able to perform the offensive act on stage, but all in all the holy people have declared it a victory. As it stands the frequency of rape, incest, child molestation, crime, female degradation, substance abuse, homosexuality, bestiality and eternal fire remains the same, but the holy people are sleeping better at night. They have also earned large mansions and treasure in the afterlife, but, at time of print, they still said they were waging this selfless campaign for the betterment of mankind, and of course, “for the children.”

22200cookie-checkState of Ohio Fears Nipples, Preemptively Harms Them-

State of Ohio Fears Nipples, Preemptively Harms Them-

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  1. “There is only one state that fulfills the mystic’s longing for infinity, non-causality, non-identity: death. No matter what unintelligible causes he ascribes to his incommunicable feelings, whoever rejects reality rejects existence—and the feelings that move him from then on are hatred for all the values of man’s life, and lust for all the evils that destroy it. A mystic relishes the spectacle of suffering, of poverty, subservience, or terror; these give him a feeling of triumph, a proof of the defeat of rational reality. But no other reality exists.

    “No matter whose welfare he professes to serve, be it the welfare of God or of that disembodied gargoyle he describes as ‘The People,’ no matter what ideal he proclaims in terms of some supernatural dimension—in fact, in reality, on earth, his ideal is death, his craving is to kill, his only satisfaction is to torture.

    “Destruction is the only end that the mystics’ creed has ever achieved, as it is the only end that you see them achieving today, and if the ravages wrought by their acts have not made them question their doctrines, if they profess to be moved by love, yet are not deterred by piles of human corpses, it is because the truth about their souls is worse than the obscene excuse you have allowed them, the excuse that the end justifies the means and that the horrors they practice are means to nobler ends. The truth is that those horrors ARE their ends.

    “You who’re depraved enough to believe that you could adjust yourself to a mystic’s dictatorship and could please him by obeying his orders—there is no way to please him; when you obey, he will reverse his orders; he seeks obedience for the sake of obedience and destruction for the sake of destruction. You who are craven enough to believe that you can make terms with a mystic by giving in to his extortions—there is no way to buy him off, the bribe he wants is your life, as slowly or as fast as you are willing to give it in—and the monster he seeks to bribe is the hidden blank-out in his mind, which drives him to kill in order not to learn that the death he desires is his own.

    “You who are innocent enough to believe that the forces let loose in your world today are moved by GREED for material plunder—the mystics’ scramble for spoils is only a screen to conceal from their mind the nature of their motive. Wealth is a means of human life, and they clamor for wealth in imitation of living beings, to pretend to themselves that they desire to live, but their swinish indulgence in plundered luxury is not enjoyment, it is escape. They do not want to own your fortune, they want you to lose it; they do not want to succeed, they want you to fail; they do not want to become beautiful themselves, they want you to become ugly; they do not want to live, they want you to die; they desire nothing, they hate existence, and they keep running, each trying not to learn that the object of his hatred is himself.

    “You who’ve never grasped the nature of evil, you who describe them as ‘misguided idealists’—may the God they invented forgive you!—they are the essence of evil, they, those anti-living objects who seek, by devouring the world, to fill the selfless zero of their soul. It is not your wealth that they’re after. Theirs is a conspiracy against the mind, which means: against life and man.

  2. Stay tuned, folks to the release of “The Attack Of The Killer Nipples” starring Felicia Fox playing the role of “Mama Nips” who, singlehandedly, breastfeeds the fair citizens of Dayton Ohio and turns them into lap dance-lovin’ zombies addicted to the new Deep Throat Energy Drink.

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