Anal sex leads to heaven, doesn’t it?



{Note From Mike South:  I’d like you all to welcome Lacey to the site, as far as I know she has no last name but she does have thick skin, common sense and quite the sense of humor]


So, it all started out with an e-mail from Mike, “If you would like to write something on the blog, I would welcome it. I can give you an author’s log-in and you can create posts.” Which then led me on a search to find out what an “authors log-in” even is? This led to back and forth e-mails where I asked him if he was out of his fucking mind while explaining that I have never even had a personal blog, Tumblr, MySpace or even a personal diary. I don’t even really use Twitter. I’m more of a debater and it’s too hard to debate issues on Twitter. I can hold my own in a debate, but who really gives a fuck about my personal opinions or my life experiences? Especially, issues within the adult industry considering I’m not even IN the industry.

But, maybe that’s the point? Since I’m so far removed from the industry I obviously have different perspectives on the issues. The fighting back and forth, personal vendettas and behind the scenes politics are lost on me. This may seem like a disadvantage, but I would argue it works in my favor to some degree. So, I told Mike I would try to write something, post it, probably vomit and then go hide under my covers.

Now I had to figure out what I was going to write about? Since this a porn blog, I figured I should probably write about sex. Or maybe, specifically, my first sexual encounter. What better subject for my first post on a porn blog!

There are various “school girl” fetishes out there… One of the most common would be the catholic school girl, in her plaid skirted uniform, maybe surrounded by a priest or nun with crosses somewhere in the vicinity (sometimes in a vagina, for that matter). This would be the foundation which led to my first sexual experience. I spent 12 years in an all-girl, extremely strict and award-winning Catholic “Academy”. The education was, by all accounts, excellent. Unfortunately, sex education was non-existent. Why would we need sex education if we were forbidden from actually having sex? A pure catholic girl would NEVER have sex before marriage. I guess once she got married, it was up to her husband to teach her how HE wanted her to have sex? I really don’t know because it was never discussed. The internet was pretty much brand new at this time which means there really was no way to look up actual “sex” or watch “sex acts” unless you could figure out the scrambled shit on Cinemax late at night where you might catch a nipple if you were paying attention.

So, if you became curious about most aspects of sex you were pretty much on your own or relied on your other non-sex having friends. It didn’t seem like such a good idea to go to hell, so we tried to find other alternatives. This is how many catholic school girls came up with the solution of anal sex. We were forbidden to have sex until marriage or we would go to hell. The bible said nothing about shoving a dick up your asshole. It’s a hole, right? A penis could probably fit in there, I guess? Sounded interesting at the time.

So, my boyfriend and I discussed it. Actually, I discussed it and he just sat there staring at me nodding his head “yes.” That was it. We attempted anal sex 10 minutes later. He got hard, I threw my butt up in the air and he somewhat “attempted” to shove his dick in my ass.
Anal preparation? Why would it need to be prepped? It’s a hole that expands. It should know what to do.
Lube? What the fuck is lube? I had never even heard of lube much less why I would need to use it?

He somehow got the tip in, I asked what was wrong, he said something along the line of “It won’t really go in” to which I said “it doesn’t really feel all that great either.” So, we both just looked at each other and concluded that this has to be one of the dumbest ideas ever. He took his “tip” out and we both starting laughing uncontrollably. There is no “climax” to this tale. This isn’t a porn script. This is real life and what happens when you get two teenagers together with raging hormones and tell them not to have sex or they will forever be dropped into the depths of hell.

For the record, I actually did end up losing my “non-anal” virginity about 3 months later, with the same boyfriend, and it was fucking amazing! There were no soft lights, romantic music, rose petals or any of that shit… it was one day after school and started while I was still wearing my entire school uniform. It was intimate, yet rough. We never got out of missionary position and I wouldn’t change a fucking thing. It was quite memorable and extremely fun. After we were finished, I looked down and realized I was naked except I still somehow had my school skirt on, yet it was now somewhere around my hips. I really hope hell isn’t as hot as New Orleans in August, but I guess I’ll find out one day. Although, it was so worth it.

83270cookie-checkAnal sex leads to heaven, doesn’t it?

Anal sex leads to heaven, doesn’t it?

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50 Responses

  1. @Lacey: awesome first post! I didn’t even know about the actual virginity-loss bit with you still wearing your little plaid skirt! SO classic porn scenario….I’d heard of the old Catholic-school trope of “technical virginity” via anal sex and it’s both humorous and disturbing that it survives to this day. Anyway, well done, and no need to hide under your blankets. And you’re NOT going to Hell. I live there- it’s called Texas!

  2. Lacey how does it feel to know that in the next 24 hours, between 20 and 30 thousand people will know the details of your first anal encounter LOL

    Welcome to Publishing in the twenty first century 😉

  3. @Mike – I’m trying not to think about that right now while I am hiding under my covers… But, I hope everyone enjoys it even if just for the laughs… 😀

  4. @sachertorte – Thanks my minion. But, are you honestly trying to compare Texas to New Orleans on a hot day in August? Come on!!!

  5. Lacey — welcome to the family. Your writing is great, and I can’t wait to read more posts from you. Mike South has had some fine, talented ladies writing for him in the past, and you fit right in with Kayden Kross and Julie Meadows.

  6. “I really hope hell isn’t as hot as New Orleans in August”

    Apparently you have already been to hell. Don’t sweat it, you probably got the t-shirt too!

  7. @rawalex: not just the t-shirt, but the hoodie, baseball cap, beer koozie, and giant foam hand.

  8. Lacey: Great first post. Piece of advice – this was fun. Don’t do the next one unless you have something equally fun or insightful to write. Otherwise, do a comment like you’ve been doing. You’re a great commenter and debater. Save the posts for when you feel like telling a story.

    I don’t talk about what I do for a living, but Mike will vouch that I kind of know what I’m talking about. You don’t want to burn out. I tried to mentor Julie Meadows on some of the finer points of feature writing, but she just got longer and longer, more self-indulgent and then angry.

    To Mike’s comment that in short order 20,000 to 30,000 people will know about your first anal encounter, all I can add is that you need to post the current photo of your butt to give us context…. Only kidding. Seriously, only kidding.

    I really have enjoyed reading your comments and your first blog was lovely. To quote Tim Case, who also has an admiral way with words, I can’t wait to read more posts. Male sites like this need a woman’s eye and experience. Mike has long recognized this and cultivated women columnists. It’s part of his genius and what makes me a daily reader of his site, right after the NYTimes.

  9. Damn BT that quite the endorsement thank you. I gave her the its like marrying a hooker speech LOL burn out is the big danger

    all that said Im not the greatest writer, I have moments but they are few and far between but I LOVE to read good writing and Laceys comments here indicated to me that she has the ability and the thick skin that Kayden and Julie didnt….

    first thing I told her was it should be fun….dont burn out and she can write as little or as much as she pleases, there are no deadlines and I dont edit anything unless asked. She can disagree with me or whatever I simply want her to be her and I think she is off to a great start.. Thank you all for letting her know what ya think!

  10. @Mike: I suggested your blog to Lacey bc she’d been wasting too much of her valuable time reading Gene Ross’ & Rob Black’s mindless blathering (Rob for the entertainment value) and I thought she might enjoy a blog of a higher calibre. Seems to have worked out well for both of you! My finder’s fee is normally 45 cents, but I’ll waive it this time.

  11. @BT – I just wrote an entire post explaining my first anal encounter and now you want naked pics. of my ass?
    What is this? A fucking porn blog? 😉

    Seriously, I appreciate your words of wisdom and will take them into consideration. But, the simple fact is I have no fucking idea what I’m doing? I’m not even close to being a writer and I still don’t understand why people would give a shit about what comes out of my mouth or what I choose to write on a computer screen?

    So, at this point I expect absolutely nothing other than to have a little fun, talk about sex and then hope for the best. 🙂

  12. 45 cents? That’s all I’m worth? 45 fucking cents?
    You better waive that finders fee with the amount of articles I’ve had to send you since you refuse to read that “other” site. 😉

  13. and i thank you for it…its a good fit and I recognize talent that she doesnt even know she has…..yet 😉

    I am very proud of the caliber of people I have who comment here it is WAY above that of most blogs..mainstream or porn…

  14. @Lacey: oh, you’re worth more than 45 cents but my fee is based on the idea that I’m more likely to get 45 cents than $450….lowered expectations.

  15. @Lacey: hey, I already waived the fee! Yes, I do admit any information gleaned from Gene and Blob has to be filtered through you bc the stupid emanating from them would burn my brain cells were I to expose myself to it directly. I don’t have the money for the protective helmet and goggles you wear.

  16. Lacey Blake???? Damn I was pulling for Underalls LOL (Fletch reference,,,Im a fan of Gregory McDonald and Chevy Chases version of Fletch…) Now did I read in a former comment that you are a stuntwoman? Thats seems an odd mixture with a CPA kind of a ying/yang thiang LOL

  17. Full time CPA who does occasional stunt work as needed. Some of my family members work full time in the mainstream stunt industry.
    Yep, it’s kind of strange, but also really fun as well!!!

  18. I need to add CPA to my list of sexiest professions. Next time I visit my accountant, I’m going to ask if she went to a private catholic school. Come to think of it ….. my wife went to a private catholic school. I need to find out if she still has her uniform packed away somewhere.

    To your title (Anal sex leads to heaven, right?), I chuckled. A couple of months ago, Glamour ran a story on men and women writing in about the most annoying things about sex. One woman wrote something like: I hate it when he keeps sticking his finger in my butt because this time, I’ll like it. No, I won’t.

  19. Mike: Most of your writing is like the old-time muckraking reporters. You get the goods and deliver them simply and straightforward. Style isn’t important.

    However, don’t sell yourself short. Your trip back to your childhood home was a great reminiscence – it struck a lot of chords for me. You’ve written some poignant things about women you’ve known. And your stripper quotes were really funny. When you’re on, you’re on.

    What I loved about Julie’s early writing is that we saw a real person underneath the porn makeup. She wrote honestly about what it was like to be a performer in the sex business and her feelings about sex. In my view, she lost what was best about her writing when she became an advocate.

    The best work anyone’s ever done getting a porn star to open up was a series of video interviews Luke Ford did years ago with an actress who left the business – I can’t remember her name, but she was one of the one-name gals, shot a lot for Vivid and had dark hair with a streak in it. She had joined a church, but it was not preachy, just poignant, honest and insightful. It’s probably on YouTube somewhere.

  20. Good job Lacey. This is a fantastic first post!!! You’re a good writer. You’re very entertaining. And you have an awesome sense of humor. And since Mike said you don’t have to agree with him…I expect some fierce debates. 😉

  21. Unfortunately, my CPA is 60 years old and wears Birkenstocks. Any fantasies involving her begin and end with the sexiness of my balance sheet. Of course, CPA porn could bring sex back to double entry accounting.

  22. @BT – Uhh, the sexiest thing in accounting is telling someone they’re getting a $20,000 refund and then watch them have a monetary orgasm across from you… That’s about as good as it gets! Everything else is just plain boring. Hahahaha. 😉
    I don’t even think Justin Timberlake could bring sexy back to accounting…

  23. @Mike – William Blake? Wasn’t he a poet? You really don’t want me to try to write a poem… seriously. I’M NOT EVEN A WRITER!!!

    I can say that I am related to Amelia Earhart. I know the relation is on my mother’s side, but I’ve never actually inquired or researched the details… I guess I should do that at some point.

  24. I got news for ya there Lacey yer now a writer, deny it if you like but you are “published” …now the wholw CPA/Stuntwoman thing fascinates me arent they like exact opposites?how does a CPA end up doing stuntwork and finally what might we have seen you in? Treme? dont remember any stunts in that….Pelican Brief? i dunno are you old enough? do tell…

  25. Meanwhile, last April my accountant told me my quarterly estimates were 20 grand short. At that moment, I think I felt much like you described in your post in a similar region.

  26. @Lacey

    Good read. I went to a Catholic school as well and had friends that would take it anally because they said it wasn’t a sin and I would remind them of Sodom and Gomorrah and where the word “sodomy” in our language came from.

  27. @CPanzram –
    They didn’t even teach us about regular sex. Do you really think they’re going to discuss blow jobs, anal sex and goat fucking with us? Hahaha.

  28. My school had a “health” class in 8th grade that taught about the reproductive system which inadvertently taught sex to the students that didn’t already know about it. Coming from a nun I don’t even think the boys found it appealing.

  29. @Mike –
    IF I was, in fact, a writer I would have some sort of clue what getting “published” actually means? 😉

    My father-in-law and husband are full time stunt performers… you can actually SEE them. Me? Not so much. I usually get called in if they need a certain stunt double with my look/body type or to assist them with a large stunt scene… Boring stuff like that..

    My FIL and husband are the ones in the middle of the fight scenes, car chases, jumping off of buildings, driving boats, firearms.. you know, the actual fun stuff!!!
    They’re way more interesting than me.

    In Treme? Of course, I think everyone in the general vicinity of New Orleans has been on Treme at some point! Also films like GI Joe 2, The Green Lantern, Now you see me, Looper, Transit… Then there are the Sci-Fi movies and independent films.. I’m sure you get the gist?

  30. @Lacey: oh I know you knew about Veruca James’s sordid CPA past! We had that discussion! Wasn’t sure if BT knew.

  31. @Mike, et al: fun facts about Lacey B, given with her approval: she is old enough to be a porn MILF, but not old enough to be a real-world MILF. Porn girl crush: Anikka Albrite. Porn nemesis: Stoya. Seriously, DON’T get her started on Stoya. Favorite dog: French bulldog. Generally dislikes porn with cheesy storylines. Could drink most people under the table (consider where she lives). If you ate planning to visit NOLA, she would be happy to give you expert advice on navigating the French Quarter. Knows a lot about fairly obscure Dirty South rap. If you would like to show your appreciation for her work in a way other than verbal praise, a gift certificate to,, and similar quality adult toy sites would be both practical and appropriate as the cheap onrs her accountant side allows her to buy always break, and this accountant side also won’t allow her to invest in any high-end toys that aren’t assembled in China by 12-year-olds paid 50 cents a day.

  32. Yer a writer now deal widdit just cuz you dont know what kind of fish you caught doesnt mean you arent a fisherman. One a these days we gonna have a sit down cuz I wanna hear all about this stuntwoman stuff…

  33. @Mike: I’m gonna have to start calling her “chicklet” now…..and I am appointing myself her unofficial publicist. As you are aware she is too modest about her writing ability.

  34. Mike, I want to hear about Lacey’s stuntwoman stuff too. It’s interesting… Maybe she can write about it in her next post. 😉

  35. @Kate: it won’t be about her non high-risk stunt work (she leaves the scary stuff to her husband and father-in-law. She’s already writing it, and oddly enough we had both come up with the same subject…no clues, but trust me, it’s an interesting story…avoid drinking anything when she posts it bc you might shoot your beverage out your nose.

  36. @Mike: you had mentioned Lacey’s “thick skin”- she IS pretty damn hard to offend. And she can watch the nastiest, most twisted horror/”torture porn” films without blinking an eye. She actually got through “A Serbian Film” (Google it if you’re not familiar) when I mentioned having read about it and only had to view it through her fingers ONCE, whereas I wouldn’t be able to be in the same room with that on. Tough chicklet.

  37. Makes me wonder if she has seen the Uncut version of “Imprint” that Showtime refused to air. I have it…pretty twisted little movie for sure

  38. @Mike –
    Imprint was banned by Showtime.

    A Serbian Film is banned in most COUNTRIES!!!!!!
    We’re talking pretty fucked up shit here…
    Newborn rape. (Couldn’t watch that one)
    Death by Cock choking.
    Forced incest by others at gunpoint.
    The movie is definitely fucked up, but the special effects are horrible and the “themes” are so over the top it becomes rather funny.

    Other than child or animal abuse, there isn’t much that offends me. I guess I should add stupid people to that list also. Stupid people offend me also. 😉

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