TimCase interviews “Richard Gere” in New Mexico (A MikeSouth.com Exclusive)
You meet the strangest people when you’re on the road with a porn star, let me tell you. The club Felicia Fox is headlining at in Albuquerque this week is called “Fantasy World”, and it’s a nice place — a nude juice bar that’s part of a three club chain here. Hank, the owner, is great and has treated us like gold the entire time.
Last night, after Fifi’s last show, she retired to the VIP room with a couple of the house dancers — infatuated with her, they’d offered to do a “private girlie show” with toys for her benefit, and she was all about it. I stashed the last of her things in the dressing room, then headed across the street to a bar where I could get a real drink while the boss lady got her rocks off.
The “El Gordo” is a seedy joint, with a seedy clientele. Smoke permeates the room, mexican wrestling plays silently on the tv up in a corner, and the jukebox is stuffed with classics by Hank Williams, Freddy Fender, and Hank Snow. Two rough-looking guys shot pool in a corner. I walked up to the bar and sat down; two stools down, his glass empty, a gray-haired man rested his head on a bar. I ordered a Budweiser (therby marking myself an Ohioan) and had the bartender refill old dude’s glass.
The man lifted his head and looked at me, and I knew I’d seen him somewhere before.
TimCase: Hey, wait a minute. Aren’t you…?
RG: Shhhhhhhh…jesus man, why don’t you just tell everybody in here?
TC: No shit. Richard Fucking Gere! Man, I can’t believe it’s you!
RG: Yeah, whatever. Hey, thanks for the drink, by the way.
TC: Don’t mention it, there…MAYO-NAAAAISE!
RG: Oh, for god’s sake. Don’t do that.
TC: Heh, heh…sorry. I couldn’t resist. ‘Don’t you eyeball me, boy.’
RG: Okay, that’s it. I’m leaving.
TC: NO, NO! Wait! ‘You got nowhere else to go!” Hahahahah!
RG: Jesus. You’re a dick.
TC: Hey, Dick. Can you answer a few questions for Mike South.com?
RG: Mike South? Isn’t he that pornographer from Atlanta?
TC: Yeah. I write for his website sometimes. When I’m bored.
RG: No shit? He pay you very much?
TC: Well, no…but he does let me hang out with him sometimes. And you
know he’s always surrounded by hot porn chicks.
RG: No kidding? That must be cool. Ever nail any of them?
TC: Well, no. But, yeah, Mike’s great. Hey, about those questions…
RG: I can give you five minutes and that’s it. Then I’m out of here.
TC: OKay. Look, let me ask you about that gerbil thing…
RG: Oh, god. Well…off the record?
TC: Of course. (fingers crossed behind back)
RG: It wasn’t really a gerbil, dude. It was actually a beaver.
TC: No shit?
RG: Yeah, beaver’s are much better for that sort of thing. Of course, all
that’s old hat, now. I’m much more into felching these days.
TC: Ouch. Beavers, felching. Ever do any of that with Peter North?
RG: Well, I’m not one to kiss and tell, but…
TC: Hey, about that movie “The Mothman Prophecies”? What’s the story with
that? That movie was a REAL piece of shit. It was so bad it hurt my feelings.
RG: Well, we started off with a bad script…
TC: A bad script? You mean you actually had a script? I thought you just
made it up as you went along.
RG: Hey, you’re being kind of tough, there. That was my comeback vehicle.
TC: Yeah, it sucked. Tough, my ass. I lived in Point Pleasant, West
Virginia, you moron. That’s where the whole goddamn Mothman thing took place.
I grew up on that story. But you idiots decided to shoot the movie in rural
Pennsylvania.
RG: Yeah, yeah… I know. The film commision there gave us some
kickbacks, you know?
TC: Maybe we could do a gay porn version and you could star in it…what
do you think? You’re career’s in the toilet now, anyway…
RG: Don’t push your luck, punk.
TC: Are you threatening me? That’s not a very Scientologist thing to do.
RG: I’m a buddhist, jerk, not a Scientologist. You know, the Dali Lama?
TC: Dali schmali. Let me ask you this…you and Debra Winger in “Officer
and a Gentleman”. Were you really fucking?
RG: God, no. That chick’s crazy. I always fantasized about Lou Gosset,
Jr., though.
TC: Cindy Crawford…breeder or bull-dyke?
RG: Total lesbo. We were married for years and I never even saw her
naked. She scares the hell out of me.
TC: Yeah, I bet. Hey, is Julia Roberts hotter in person than she is
onscreen? Those big lips give me freaking nightmares.
RG: I don’t know about her, but her body double was really hot.
TC: Hey, I’ve got to run now. My girlfriend is across the street.
RG: Hey, wait a minute… you’re leaving so soon?
TC: Yeah, got shit to do. Thanks, man…any parting comments?
RG: Just one…wanna fuck?
TC: Uh…thanks for the invite, Dick. Think I’ll take a rain check on
that one.
RG: Damn. Well, thanks for the drink.
With that I was out of “El Gordo”, and heading back across the street to “Fantasy World” and its comforting, naked reality.
