The following was discovered by a clerk at THE LUV SHACK, a video store of questionable ownership located in beautiful downtown Norcross, Georgia. It was found in the video night drop stuck firmly (by some white goo) to a returned tape entitled “2 Wives are Better Than None”. Apparently left there by accident, it is reported to be a page ripped out in passion from the Diary of some redneck named Mike South:
7:00 Woke up to wet underwear. Sigh. Another wet dream about Julie Rage. I need to stock up on Adult Depends before I shoot her again. The song on the clock radio was “Minnie the Moocher” by Cab Calloway. It always reminds me of a girl named Heather.
9:12 Waited 20 minutes for breakfast in bed before remembering that this is Atlanta, not Miami. Still, that Steve Seidman can make a mean bacon and egg omelet. I just wish he wouldn’t wear that damn French Maid outfit.
9:15 For once did the 3 S’s in the correct order without castrating myself shaving.
9:50 Drove to work.
11:42 Remembered where work was and drove back home.
12:00 Called Gigi at Avalon Entertainment for the 29th time this week. The gal who answered said that she is still in the bathroom that Gigi will be glad to return my call when she gets out. Note to self: ship her a case of X-Lax and an almost new sample butt plug from Las Vegas Novelties for Christmas. Add itching powder to butt plug.
12:10 Lunch at Hooters. Got the usual: a pile of slimy seafood and the skinny waitress’ home phone number.
12:12 Famous former mainstream movie star saw me at the table and came over, introduced himself, and spent an hour telling me what a great performer he is. Offered to bankroll me if I made a “X” video series about him and even graciously offered to play himself.
1:12 I told Scotty Schwartz to go home; lunch is over. He didn’t even pick up the tab.
2:36 Caller I.D. shows that a call is originating from the Playboy Mansion. It is only Hef calling to invite me to his annual birthday bash at the mansion. Check calendar. Same say as Dustin Flynt’s bar mitzvah. Sorry Hef. . The only rabbit ears I want to see that day is between my knife and fork and covered with gravy.
3:10 Jim Gunn calls and says he has 2 girls dying to shoot for me. I tell Gunn that no way, I won’t start up a girl-girl line, even for him. He never gives up, that rat bastard.
4:00 Nappy time. Damn, it is hell getting old!
4:02 Woke up raring to go. Decided to edit photos for my site.
4:07 Computer crashed. Lost all my Amber Sexxxum pics. No biggie.
5:20 Rodney Moore called to see if I wanted to share a 300 lb. pregnant gal in a d.p. in his series. I told him to go fuck himself.
6:00 Right on schedule, Goddess sent her daily e-mail and doctored photos of my face looking up as it went swirling down a drain in an animated gif. I just know that she spent all day making it. Yeah, I know; she wants me.
7:30 Called the number given to me by the Hooters waitress. A recording from the Atlanta Corrections Institute came on which asked if I was still wearing my house arrest ankle bracelet. I gotta admit that bitch is feisty. I’ll give her another chance tomorrow.
8:05 Called Dirty Bob to see if he would let me bring 12 girls to the Tampa Show with me. Never got through to him; phone was busy. All day. He must be recruiting chicks for me in Ohio. I hope this time they have their own teeth.
8:10 Phone call from Video Ed asking where the hell am I. Realized that I had scheduled Vol. 1 of “Southern Fried Bukkake” that evening and totally forgot about it. I asked Ed how many guys had shown up. His reply was 129. I told him to reschedule for 11:00 Sunday morning; I could make it right after church. Ed said fine, but could he have the girl tonight? I snickered. She was safe.
9:00 The thought of the bukkake made me horny. Went to Solid Gold to pick up a chick. Almost put the move on a cute dancer, but during a lap dance I felt her wireless and badge jabbing into my crotch. Spent $200 bucks on that dance, too! Damn!
9:25 Returned home and checked e-mail. Thank God for DSL: 121 of the 122 messages were around 95K in size. I forwarded them all to Tim Case and marked them urgent.
11:40 Stopped by unannounced to the home of Julie Rage and her better half. Waited to get buzzed up for half an hour. Finally left card. Sat in car for another 15 minutes. Think I hear noises upstairs; must be the kid. I drove home.
11:55 Flat tire on the way home. You would think that Ed Powers would have something better to do than slice my Michelins. Checked gun on gun rack on back of the pick-’em-up truck. Empty. Sigh. Stuffed hound dog was still in place on the truck bed. I gotta spray some lysol on it someday; the flies are taking over my truck.
12:23 Soaked for a few minutes in my Jacuzzi. Got out, dried off, and deflated Jacuzzi.
1:10 Tired, I called Felicia Fox who was in L.A. and asked her to give me all the graphic details of her sexual exploits while shooting for Vivid and Wicked this week. I was snoring in 30 seconds.