The Sex-Toy Conspiracy

My reciprocating dildo-Saw zall…the only toy that hasn’t abandoned me when I needed it most

Well I suppose I could talk about what an exciting addition Julie Meadows is to the site…kudos to Mike for pulling off that coup d’etat.  The “Pimps and Hos” story is spot-on… believe me when I tell you.  I could also talk about what a farce the Scott Janke story is… that today’s American society is STILL so damned Puritanical…lol.  There is also the on-going testing controversy in porn valley.  But we’ve discussed that ad-naseum.

No, today I am going to discuss a topic that is near-and-dear to my heart…sex toys…more precisely the battery-operated variety.  And to further disect this problem would you be surprised to hear that I have actually broken EVERY “hum-hum” sex toy I have ever owned?  It’s true…I operate them according to the owner’s manual and yet they are never up to the task.  I’m not talking about all cheap stuff either…some of this fake cock is REAL expensive!  The real inspiration for this story came to me yesterday when Mike was at my house and we were shooting web content.  The glamour shots were done and it was time to play with my pussy…darn…I so hate that…and Mike sent me to get out the hardware.  As I went to my goody box I had to explain to Mike that most of the so-called “good ones” were really just overpriced junk.  I have tried them all..big cocks and little cocks…fat cocks and thin cocks…the ones that twirl, the ones that spin, ones that vibrate and shake…hell I even think I had one that would make you a martini.  And while they all gave me some real ground-pounding orgasms over the years, not a ONE lasted for more than a few months.  Now, is that MY fault or is it the TOY’s fault?  Personally I choose to believe the latter.  While it is true, I do enjoy masturbating…a LOT, it’s not my fault that it can’t operate, SAFELY, and satisfy me, regularly, for more than three months!  It’s not like I have some concrete cooter that just tears these pink, gelatenous pleasure sticks all to hell…I have a soft and sweet love tunnel and for all the pleasure it GIVES all it asks in return is for a toy that will satisfy for MORE THAN THREE MONTHS !!

What is magic about the “three month” number, you may ask?  I believe that three months is the number that was arrived at in very secretive, “behind closed doors”, “James Bond” type meetings at the sex toy manufacturers.  There, at one of these meetings, probably at some Swiss chalet high atop the Alps, Blofeld   abandons his plan for the laser that would dominate the world, and instead decides to set in motion what I like to call “The Sex-Toy Conspiracy” theory.  The theory is as follows: 1. ALL sex toys are designed with planned obselesence in mind 2. When they say they are “waterproof”…they usually AREN’T  3. when they have wires attached to remote controls..fuh-get-aboudit!  4. if they require MORE than 2 of ANY type battery, plan on replacing them every 3 weeks…or more..if you are like me and you like to jill off a lot  5.  If it says its “hypo-allergenic” you might want to put a rubber on it anyway  6. when it says “safe to use with lubricants and non-petroleum based products” it’s a LIE  7. When it says “looks and feels like the REAL thing” it’s a LIE  8. When it says it’s “waterproof” it’s a LIE…oh, I already listed that one…sorry.

Now I do not want to give the impression that I am complaining mind toys are wonderful things to have.  I am quite a proponent of them in fact.  I do not feel that my requirements of a sex toy are that rigorous either.  I am not one of these people that believes what it says on a box.  If I wanted to have the “look and feel of Jenna Jameson’s pussy and ass” I would do what any right-minded person would do…I would move out to LA and stalk her.  If I craved the “length and girth” of Nick Manning’s meat pole all I would have to do is respond to one of the many Myspace emails from him I have ignored.  No, dare I say all I want a toy to do is WORK, get me off a lot, and last for more than three months.  That’s it…nothing more and nothing less.  Seems simple right?    Well after years of disappointment with spending upwards of $100.00 on some of these products I decided to lay down the gauntlet:  to any and all Mike South readers…what is the best toy for a girl that will last?   Besides the Hitachi Wand..of course.  I like all kinds of toys so they can be big or small..for the purse or for the wall, whatever.  Hell I even have a gelly dong fitted to a 15 amp reciprocating saw…Mike’s seen it.  I will use it on video soon…come to think I should have used IT yesterday.  Lindsey’s quest for the “Holy Grail of Pussy Pleasers” shall now begin.

Btw…don’t forget to hear me and Mike South on the internet tomorrow LIVE starting at 2PM EST at on the LIVE stream, talking about kink, porn, sex toys, fishing, who knows what.

28540cookie-checkThe Sex-Toy Conspiracy

The Sex-Toy Conspiracy

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4 Responses

  1. One of my pet peeves is when the wires leading from the toy to the control box are about two inches long, and you have to be a contortionist to reach it.

    I will say though, that some of the best SMELLING sex toys came from the Tera Patrick line. They’d leave my cooch smelling like wild cherry for days:)

  2. Enjoyed the post. Totally understand your frustration. I think there are some manufacturers in Europe starting to make high quality adult products now like the lelo range – however I’ve yet to try one myself. I guess time will tell. Personally I think that people don’t mind spending the money if they are going to get a quality long-lasting product, let’s hope the manufacturers read this post and others and take notice. Thanks.

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