OK Y’all are gonna cost me all my French members…

Curious Sends The History of the French Military:

THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE

Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War – Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War – Lost, but claimed as a tie. three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have
loved every since.

American Revolution – In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.

World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States And Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism – France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

Classic Quote: “Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”
— Donald Rumsfeld

Charlie Sez:

I’ll go Pierre the Frog one better…

Nobody named “Mike” or even “Michael” exists. There’s just no such thing.
(Kinda like a successful French military campaign.)

Aaron Weighs In:

It’s true. I’ve seen Mike South. He doesn’t exist. He’s a figment of mass hysteria, brought about by a country that’s so “basically rotten that a vicious, bigoted pig like John Wayne is a great national hero. Thomas Jefferson would have been horrified by a monster like Wayne – and Wayne, given a shot across the time-span – would be proud to pistol whip a ‘radical punk’ like Jefferson.”

Like Bigfoot, alien anal probes, Krispy Kream doughnuts, and even the Duke himself, Mike South is the inevitable hallucinogenic byproduct of a rapidly
collapsing society grappling with its own mortality.

And one hellava nice guy.

Cazart!

OK Y’all know whats fucked up…I now have had more response to this than I did the clubbing the baby seals/pornchick thing…God I love America.

Goddess is PISSED:

ok i’m pissed. I just read pete’s email and discovered that “you” don’t even exist. Oh great. I’ve wasted three and a half years of my life stalking someone who doesn’t even exist. I knew I didn’t have much stalking exerience, but damn. No wonder I didn’t meet you when I stayed at Casa de South last fall. And you said it was because you were fishing.

Add to that Pete says “you” fake up your stories. (Tell the truth–are you faking up this email right now?!) So you don’t exist AND you’re a liar. HA! (How does that work, btw?)

The most humiliating thing of all, though? Whose Picture have I been jilling off to all this time???!!!

Your (Imaginery) Stalker

I don’t exists, I faked this email, I faked this answer, I faked my videos, I faked my life. You are in the Cyber version of the Twilight Zone…..

Read more Goddess on her Very Funny Site

Pete (or maybe its Pierre) Sends This:

I’m beginning to wonder how much of the stuff on your site, lukeford, et al are bogus. The “french military victories” google search is fake. Anything about fellow porn webmasters, actors, and what-have-you is fake. You hide your fake stories by posting obvious satires so people assume the ones which aren’t totally out there to be feasible.

The Enquirer might have more real stories than these porn sites. Makes sense doesn’t it? Both sells sleeze.

If you have 10% real stories I would surprise. Maybe you should subtitle your site with the line: As Real as Jenna J’s Boobs.

Furthermore, I reckon you’re not real. There is no “Mike South”. Just a big porn cabal which feeds all the porn news/images websites. I’m gonna contact the Better Business Bureau – tho since “you” probably don’t make any money, I should try Barely-Staying-Afloat Business Bureau.

Ok Pete Im guessing you are French. If you type that into advanced search and exact phrase what you get are a bunch of links to that graphic. But that ain’t the point. The point is this site is FREE and it’s entertainment, most people who read it can ascertain the difference between what is tongue in cheek humor and what is real. I will give ya a hint…If it makes you laugh it may not be real. If it makes ya mad it probably is real (well cept maybe in your case) Now I could go to a 100% factual site but the problem is determing the truth is costly and time consuming what do ya want for free? I can charge 5.95 per day and print the truth, so how bout that!

I LOVE HATE MAIL!!!! OK back to the pit.

Aaron sends this:

A buddy on mine just emailed this to me:

No wonder France doesn’t want war: they lost to the Germans twice, not to mention the Algerians (the first western army to lose to the Arabs since the
Crusades) They did win the French Revolution however… but only because the other side was French.

Now That’s Funny

If you are easily offended please do not read the following:

Now that I have your Attention, Wanker Wang MIA:

Everyone has been wondering what has happened over at lukeford.com. There have been no updates in days, I have been running down this story. It seems that porns favorite slant eye (Wang isn’t a gook, a slope, or a chink he is Korean, I have no idea what the correct derogatory term for a Korean is but I am sure Jeff Steward over at J.M. Productions could enlighten me.) anyhow it appears Wang is in a federal prison on charges of spying.

Yep it appears that Wang is actually NORTH KOREAN and has been using his website to pass information on to the regime in North Korea. All that yammer about ear fucking and pinworms is actually coded messages for a biological attack on Porn Valley. Figuring that the United States would simply view bioterrorism against Porn Valley as nothing more than God making pornographers pay for their Godless ways. It would have worked too, but while investigating a Dave Cummings complaint against Bryan Sullivan an FBI Agent fluent in Korean discovered Wang’s seemingly goofy thoughts and correctly decoded them.

The FBI and INS picked up Wang last Thursday night at his home. He is now sharing a cell with a big rastafarian guy who is a gay asianophile with an ear fetish.

Update:

I got my first phone call no lees than one hour after posting the Wanker Wang story…wanting to know how I found out about it….Just Damn Y’all. OK I stole it from the Weekly World News….Bat Boy Update coming soon.

Carly Milne Hangs a Shingle:

It’s Carly’s PR Firm check it out here www.sinspin.com