I drove up to Dayton on Christmas day. I spent the first half of the day with my family and afterward I decided to head up to Dayton to see my friends on my birthday.
Not many people go to Dayton Ohio in the dead of winter for a vacation, but I love my friends up here and I miss them. It had been a long time since I had been up. It’s nice to come to where people are genuinely happy to see you. Even if it is colder than Kayden Kross’s heart outside. There has been plenty of snow and way below freezing weather, it has never gotten above freezing since I have been here.
I have a very intelligent and talented writer here, doing a story on me for future publication in a book or major magazine. It is prompting me to look inward.
I have had some good, no make that great times. I had a great birthday party and two nights later my good friend Kitty Tyler suggested I come to the club to meet her and her friend. Her friend being a 19 year old girl we will call Beth.
Beth is rather fascinated with porn and she is, simply, beautiful. She asks a few questions about the biz but mostly we all just kinda hang out. I call her the next day and invite her to dinner, she accepts. To make a long story short we actually hit it off. She is smart, and witty and both cute and beautiful in the way that only a ninteen year old can be. At 52 I want to not like her, but she has this curiosity and vivaciousness that I simply love. As it turns out her family has a place in Mexico Beach Florida, she loves to hunt and fish and she loves the ocean. We have an awful lot in common but she has so much more in her life. She was a pitcher on a National Championship womens softball team. Beta club, National Honor Society and more. She is pretty AND smart. But she is also innocent.
When we wrapped the night alone together in my room, it was apparent that she wasn’t terribly experienced. She was certainly unsure of what to do, but it added to her appeal because she was also enthusiastic.
I later learned that I was guy number 5 and only the 8th time she had sex with a guy. We were doing the pillow talk thing and I couldn’t help but ask her “Why Me?” Her answer was simple, she said I made her laugh, and I was cool and she loved my smile, told me she had even twittered about it afterward,. I also learned that Beth has far more experience with girls.
Beth wants to be in porn, she is going to the Adult Expo Show this week, she is excited about it and it actually concerns me a bit, because she is so incredibly nice and so enthusiastic about some of the girls in the business she could easily be taken advantage of, she reminded me an awful lot of another girl that I shot first, Anastasia Blue.
I cannot help but have personal feelings for her, I try to give her good advice, I hope she listens, but I fear she won’t. I’d hate to think I had anything to do with Anastasia’s death, but in my heart of hearts I will always wonder if somehow I did. It’s certainly possible.
But what really is eating at me is why I am attracted to a girl like Beth. I absolutely get what she sees in me, no doubt. Yes she has daddy issues, yes I’m an alpha male, I know how to make her feel comfy with me, I get all that. It’s harder to look inside myself though, is it ego? Is it a need to still feel like “I’ve got it”? Is it because I never had kids? or because I only had brothers? Or is it something deeper? I really don’t know. I don’t identify well with girls my own age, not at all, very few can understand this biz. but I get that too I even get why I like younger girls, even in the mid 20’s we really do have more in common, but at 19 this one really does seem too young. Yet, I have this protective urge around her, I like her and I love the time we spend together, like today we went to the range and went shooting, I taught her how and she loved it. She had shot rifles before but never a handgun.
Now many of you guys are probably reading this and thinking, Fuck you South, you are banging a 19 year old hottie and at the same time looking a gift horse in the mouth…just STFU and enjoy it while it lasts. You might be right too….maybe I should.
I know Beth is going to read this and I know she will know its about her, I’m too old to fall in love but I’m far from without feelings here, there is something inside me telling me it is time to soul search and understand my feelings and my motivations.
I just needed to get this off my chest.