They Haven’t Killed Me, But It Isn’t Due To Lack Of Trying
I will try to keep this meaningful and to the point. So much has happened since Wednesday its hard to know where to start.
First off Thank You to everyone who has email me good wishes and sympathies and support and everything, those thoughts are honestly very meaningful to me , writing this is hard because its very painful to type and sit in a position where it’s possible to type so bear with me and forgive if I have more spelling arrors and such than I normally do.
I had expected to be home by now, I’m not, and don’t yet know when I will be. The surgery actually went very well, my surgeon removed more of the tumor than he thought he would be able to everyone was excited and happy and I hope I got enough word out that everyone who wanted to know could find out.
That said the recovery has gone much much worse. The people at the hospital have made many mistakes, mostly with my pain meds…for two of the four nights I have been here the dilaudid pump (the stuff in IV that I adminster to myself) has been hooked up wrong, the first night this happened was tues from 3am when they changed the medicine because it was empty till about 7AM when after lots of my fussing they finally believed that it was working and changed it and it fixed it. But last night was the real killer, since pain management has been a problem they gave a massive dose on different meds dilaudid (via the iv pump) muscle relaxers through the regular IV and by mouth 6 prednazone, 2 perccet, 2 oxycodone, and 1 neurontin. at around 9PM
by 11 I was tripping my ass off. Seeing shit hearing shit, floating…I was completed obliterated. well all the oral stuff starts wearing off around 12 and at 1 Im pretty serious pain, so Im hitting the hell out of the dilaudid pump and not getting much relief. I got worse through the night I wont try to explain it because I cant but the pain had me shaking violently, my mind wasnt clear and all i know to do is hit that button.
By 4AM Im a wreck, I think I got some pain induced dementia or something all I wanted was nobody around me, I just hurt.
At 8AM the nurse shift changes and the new nurse comes in and writes her name on my whiteboard, the date and looks at me and asks how Im feeling. I simply replied If you could die from pain I think I’d be dead, I hurt really bad.
She looks at the IV machine and at the PCA (the dilaudid drip) and she goes to her knees and I can see the look on her face is drastic, she looks up at me looking at her and she says I really need to see some one I promise I will be back in 5 mins.
When she comes back, she is almost in tears and I said ok something is obviously wrong, tell me.
She said I hate telling you this because I feel so bad, but everytime you hit the button for pain medicine last night, well thats it right there, I look at the floor and theres a relatively large puddle of clear liquid. She said, all your medicine went out onto the floor because your PCA was never hooked into your IV.
I thought back on all the pain I had and was still having and she was telling me Im gonna dose you right now and get you fixed up quickly.
It’s hard to describe the feeling I had except to say that physically I felt as though I had been close to death, and that they had tried to kill me. I’m both mad that they did and happy that they were unsuccessful, and happy that there was a future very near when my pain would be back to something more tolerable.
I’m not trying to be drastic or melodramatic or anything here, I’m feeling much better and the fact that I haven’t felt like writing an update but today I do, is encouraging to me.
So thats the long version of a much longer story, I’m sorry if any of you were worried and didn’t know how I was…now just know that I am optimistic that I will be out tomorrow (Mon) or tues at the latest.
So slow as recovery has been and all I think once I get going I will get better soon.
Thanks To everyone who is my friend, everyone who has visited, sent flowers, and visited me, you guys are the best and I love ya for it.
hope to keep better updated this week