The Annual Awards:


Porn’s Cutest Couple :

That would have to be Christian X and Ben English, I hear they hold hands and skip to the gym together.

Best Known For Not Ever Having Done Anything Award:

Again this year it’s Tony Batman,  I mean exactly what DOES he do?

Trend That Died Three Years Ago Award:

Alt porn, someone please notify Eon McKai that he died.

 The Best Writer Who Never Writes Award:

Tim Case (Male)

Kayden Kross (Female)

Both are incredibly good writers, neither ever bothers anymore.

The You Will Be Missed Award:

Henri Pachard, Gerard Damiano, Sasha Gabor, Dick Miller, Anastasia Blue, Missy and Buck Adams.  It was a tough year.

The Suitcase Pimp of the Year Award 

This one is hotly contested every year since Tim Case retired his crown, but this year Monstar aka Mr. Angelina Armani beats out Mr Stormy Daniels (Mike Moz). I considered myself for this but I’m not in the same league with these guys.

 The Best Porn Movie of The Year Award

Not even close, gotta give it to Pirates 2, yes Jesse can’t act and yes Evan Stone just plays Evan Stone, but it was ambitious  and it shows that in this day and age of what is primarily poorly shot gonzo that porners can aspire to loftier levels, and Pirates 2 did.

Porns Worst Trend:

Shooting in High Def.  yes it’s a must, but so few porners can actually do it right. It really amplifies how bad you are at composition and when you throw in kino lights and guys who can’t operate a camera manually you get turds like Johnni Darkko shits out…even from good companies like Evil Angel.

Most Overhyped Untalented Person Award:

Gee there’s so many….But few can match the lack of talent exhibited by this years one trick pony, Sasha Grey.

Best Contract Star

Ya know what, Yes it’s Kayden Kross, yes she is my friend but so are many of the others.  Kayden doesn’t need babysitting, she is smart and always professional and you will never see her passed out drunk ass being made fun of and loaded into an SUV on TMZ.

Performer of the Year

Jenna Haze she deserves it.

 Attention Whore of the Year

(male) Christian X, this peter puffer will do anything for attention

(female) Dana DeArmond, I mean really, who do you think you think you are?

Porns Worst Director Who Thinks He is Gifted

The only ego maniacal nitwit deserving in this category is none other than Bryn Pryor aka Eli Cross.

Porns Best Director That Doesn’t Get His Props:

James DiGiorgio

Porns Best Blog (I mean Other Than Mine of Course)

Gram Ponante, the dude is weird and he writes weird and it all makes a weird sort of sense. That’s true genius.

 Porn’s Best Couple Award

Nicole Sheridan and Voodoo, they have endured and you never hear about drama with either of them.

Porn’s Worst Couple Award

Ben English and Nikki Jayne despite the fact that wedding invites had gone out, the nuptuals were cancelled.  Word is she was busted in a bathroom with a male performer, ummmm, off camera….Besides him and Christian are way cuter…I mean skipping to the gym and all….

The Siskel and Ebert Award

Den at he reviews more movies by himself than everyone at avn put together.

The Rainman Award

Ok I know it’s not cool to pick on the mentally handicapped but could that Houston Don guy be any worse of a reviewer? You would think he was reviewing…hell I dont what you’d think he was reviewing.   Ya, I know he is autistic or whatever but didn’t ya just wanna smack Rainman upside the head once in a while? STFU and get on the fucking plane ya retard.

 Don’t Bend Over In The Shower Award

Do you kinda get the feeling that things wont go so well for Max Hardcore in prison?  Ya I do too.  Do they still make that soap on a rope stuff….send some to Max, I think he is gonna need it.

The We Will Make It Up In Volume Award

The Free Speech Coalition who stated in their own report that they spend $2.50 to get $1.00  in donations. Ummm YER DOING IT WRONG IDIOTS!

OK did I miss any?

24500cookie-checkThe Annual Awards:

The Annual Awards:

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3 Responses

  1. Holy shite! I’m floored, flattered, and, as usual, flatulent. (Should’ve laid off the bean dip at that Xmas party last night.)

    I mean, Porns Best Director That Doesn’t Get His Props? Day-am! If I pretend the “…That Doesn’t Get His Props” part isn’t there, it reads “Porns Best Director…”

    Well, c’mon! They do that kind of shit in real movie ads all the time. I love those three, little, periods… ellipsis, as it were. Especially, when it comes to hyping something… like oneself.

    Porns Best Director That Doesn’t Get His Props: That is so cool! Even without the pesky little missing apostrophe that ought’a be there.

    Thanks, Mikey! You made my day a bit brighter!

    Now how the fuck do I get some fucking props???

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