Thoughts From A Blonde Porn Star

But I’m newly 23 and now it’s a guilty pleasure. The children aren’t starving in China anymore but I still feel like I should clean my plate because they’re fighting in Sierra Leone with brown brown and missing limbs and if you go northeast they’re practicing Jihad or south they’re battling apartheid and if you ask any one of them anywhere on that continent they can show you where to find a dead body. I’m wondering how legitimate the UN is these days. I just got booked for 3 more feature dates before the end of the year and I’m scared of what tax bracket it will bump me into. I’m thinking about retirement and all of the people with recently busted 401(k)s and how that’s going to weigh on our social welfare programs on top of the added burden of the recently passed bailout plan on tax payers. Then I’m thinking maybe it’s included in the bailout plan. Then I’m thinking I need to catch up on the news.

And we’re still paying for the fallout of the great depression and we’re about to do it all over again and it’s scary. The government became something very large and very different the last time when FDR stepped in and cleaned up. But it never reverted back after the economy did and we’re still battling an internally unsound social security program and any number of other tax funded programs. Once the government steps in it’s very hard to get it to step out. I think we’re about to invite it to share a bed with us.

And despite this rockstar feeling this bus has a way of instilling I think we’re all jealous or at least curious of the couples coming in for autographs. We can identify with them because they’re our age but the difference is they’re celebrating wedding anniversaries and lugging around infants in late nineties model fords and car seats. It’s either/or in this industry and it’s not fair to try to have it all. My web designer turns 35 today and we stayed up until four in the morning having that what if talk. What if we weren’t having our morning coffee when the lunch crowd hit Starbucks. What if we drove a Prius and had surface streets memorized to avoid the frustration of freeways serving double time as parking lots at seven in the morning. What if Fridays meant something. What if I had more business suits than garter belts and my heels were all two inches and my hemlines touched the knee. Would I be more legitimate? Possibly. But I wouldn’t be satisfied beyond the first week and neither would he and you can’t buy things with legitimacy or will it to your children. You can’t put it up as collateral and you can’t exchange it for happiness. In the morning we always realize that we were just letting the chatter get through. There are a lot of strangers out there with opinions on what we should be doing and they back up a lifetime of narrow socialization confirming the same thing: get a good job and get married and make a few babies and you’re alright. We both went back to work on the site at 4am as the first alarms were starting to wake up the real world and we were content.

So the question is when to calm down and relax and enjoy it or whether that would be right. It’s not enough to be aware. If things were fixed with awareness Africa would be something other than a destination for poachers and humanitarian aid. Breast cancer wouldn’t exist. Domestic violence would only be a memory on the bumper stickers of police cars. Things are fixed with action. It makes me want to adopt a shelter kitten and bring home a few sickly horses but these would only be token actions and I would have done nothing outside of alleviating my own conscience and employing another pet sitter. Here I am feeling like everything I’ve been working for is close enough to touch and now I want more and now I’m wondering if that’s where drive comes from or whether I’m spoiled.