What I Want

I wrote some dark stuff last night. I can’t post any of it because it’s too revealing. I feel like Basil Hallworth that way, from The Picture of Dorian Gray. It’s not good to reveal too much of one’s soul. We must save something for ourselves, lest we become martyrs – the most thankless job there is, I’m sure. Thing is, I don’t feel dark, it’s just that some painful changes are happening that are forcing growth and forcing better things to happen in my life. I am very excited to say that I am filming a documentary about the women of the adult industry.

Though Doug and I are enduring the death throws of a once beautiful relationship with our landlady of five years because she was hospitalized and everything has been left to her tyrant son, incredible things are on the horizon. Hard times get me thinking about what it’s all for and why it’s necessary to stop, take inventory and then re-approach  everything with a new outlook. Truth is, a lot of good can come out of a “bad” situation. Balance in all things, right? Tod Hunter links to some great stories on his site. I don’t think it betrays Mike to reference Tod’s blog since Tod is listed in Mike’s blog roll, but at any rate, “Thank you, Mike, for listing Tod in your blog roll! I might not have otherwise found it and been able to read it, even though I’ve known Tod for years now. Yours is truly one of the better industry sites for it’s real personality, opinion and journalism (not to mention lack of cretinous commenters). A real testament to your worth as an industry insider.” 🙂

Anyway, as I said, Tod links to some great interviews, one being an interview with Gore Vidal, who is certain that America is falling fast. I understand his perspective, and I understand, also, that he understands more than I do, but I don’t have quite the dismal perspective of our world and our future prospects. Truth is, I can’t afford to have such a perspective. I’m not privileged in any way; I have no wealth, no real hope for success, no reason to feel optimistic… yet that is exactly why I do! In my state, in my place in life, I should not expect anything good to happen to me. By society’s standards I am a used-up person, a throwaway. I have no formal education, no history, no ties, my people skills are poor, I’m shy. I could be more attractive, but I don’t care. I could be healthier, but I drink too much. I could be smarter, but I am exhaustively weary due to the arrogance of so-called “intellects” who spout constant ramble and really know nothing, in the school of actual “know how”. I am a blank page and hopelessly uncertain at the precipice of thirty-six years, and against such odds... I feel great! Against everything life tells me I am and will never be, I feel good about myself. It’s, all, right. I add punctuation to emphasize that this is not the typical, colloquial “alright”. Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s, all, right… and it’s all, right, now! I’m living the life for me. I’m challenged to prove someone, somewhere… wrong. I am priceless, and only wonderful things can happen. This is the inevitable, unavoidable, and impossible dream, for someone like me. Quite lovely, isn’t it?

Jonathan Appel was my neighbor four years ago. I will not divulge too much about him because he is my friend and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, but he is a bright, intelligent and über-creative guy. He is the talented filmmaker and instigator behind this project. He filmed a documentary that was accepted this year at the Friar’s Club Comedy Film Festival, where he won the Audience Choice Award. His film is about the challenge that a group of New York-based, African-American Christians face when presenting clean comedy to the masses, what their lives are like, how they are propelled by their conviction, and what kind of obstacles it presents. It’s touching, real and accessible. It’s a brilliant look at real life, so I know he is more than qualified to take on the task of humanizing the female adult actress.

The documentary uses the platform of the interviews I’ve been conducting and expounds on it. I apologize for not having posted more interviews, but we decided to do this shortly after my interview with Kayden Kross… Wait! Actually, we talked that same day, because he hung out with the neighbors while we wrapped things up with Kayden, then we headed down to Le Petit Four for dinner. I was still wearing my Cocaine Incorporated T-shirt, which always gets a lot of curious stares. That’s right! It happened that same day. Thank you, Kayden! 😀 I’ll just consider you my lucky charm in that regard.

I told Jonathan that Mike South had suggested I really consider the film festival circuit and invest in HD cameras, because everyone is shooting HD projects. Amazing what just a little effort and thought can do. All the seeds planted, the sun and warmth of Jonathan’s success with his latest documentary glowing, the water and depth of feeling for these women that I feel… and life is pushing forward, baby! Can’t stop progress. And Jonathan is a visionary. He has adapted a 35mm lens to two light-weight cameras so we can capture the warmth of film-quality work. After the first few interviews we’ll post some sample and teaser material for audiences to see. 35mm adds depth and warmth to the picture. It won’t be just material-deep, but visual, as well.

I have sent a few e-mails, I printed cards with my actress name and blog and e-mail address on them, I went to Porn Star Karaoke Tuesday night with Doug, Jonathan and his female friend. I am jumping into the deep end here and need some interesting women who want to be part of this. We had started out with a few lures for the women, but I fell into my own depth. I don’t want people who are not interested. I don’t want anyone who is going to pretend at anything. This documentary is not just about the wonderful women of the adult industry, this is about me. I’m not moonlighting here. I’m not taking a break for a moment in my life to be artistically avant-garde. This is my life. It’s about giving it meaning, making it real, and ultimately, saving it from a shallow grave. I’m prepared to rip out my own heart and serve it up still beating. I want women who can be fun, interesting and real, the way I have been real throughout my entire career as an adult actress. The way Chloe was real. And please don’t ask, “Which Chloe?” because I will have an episode – not your fault, but there is only one Chloe in my world, and she’s still my best friend, whether she knows it or not. You want to know what working with Max was like? It was horrible! I don’t want to trash people, but that, is a real answer. Russel Crowe answered questions about his career, honestly – well after I had – and you know what? Ridley Scott still directs his movies well after the criticism. Maybe even because of the criticism. We can all benefit from honesty. This documentary is going to be good. I promise you that. Not only good, but it’s female-friendly. No one will be made fun of, I promise. And I don’t make promises because they are so easily broken, so that’s really saying something.

My writing gets more intense all of the time, but this is not an intense project. It’s actually just full of what I’ve already done, except that I will do more research when I do interview the models, because I want the questions to be more interesting. I would love to re-interview all three models that graciously allowed me to peak into their lives from the start: Kayden Kross, Bobbi Star, and Tanner Mayes. Each have something wonderful and obvious about them that I think is compelling. It would be a privilege to highlight them in this piece.

As I said, I went to Porn Star Karaoke, and was warmly received. Seymour, the event promoter, is a sweetheart. I used to go to PSK monthly, back in 2003 and 2004, but after marriage I had to separate myself from it in order to really focus on reorganizing my life. I shared a long and hard hug from Seymour, a man who cared more about my welfare than I did, back then. I have a funny/not-so-funny story about one of the last times I saw him that I will reiterate sometime, but not now. I got to see and hug Tod Hunter, the first person to get me a paid writing gig. I told him that, and he did not know he had contributed to my life, in that way. It was nice to say it and thank him for it. And I’ll say it again here, “Thank you, Tod!” I also got to speak with John Rogers of The Associated Press. He was kind and easy to talk to. He fascinated me with his shorthand. I have the Gregg Shorthand book, but since I’m self-taught in almost everything and hardly have time (much in league the sign language book I own), there’s not much chance I will master that any time soon. Good thing I have a digital recorder, I guess. Nicki Hunter was a gracious hostess, and I’d love to feature her in my project. All-in-all, it was fun and good to see some familiar faces.

In closing, I would like to mention that I had a bit of dialogue today with someone who writes to me because he likes my writing, and in the process of responding to him, because of a link he’d sent to me concerning trauma and the process most people go through in reenacting their own victimization, as opposed to learning from it and changing the patterns on their own, I wrote, “I was reading the first link you’d sent me and was thinking about the human brain in terms of programming – I may have already told you this, so I apologize if I did – and I thought, ‘It makes sense that people do what they know to do because we’re like computers that way. A computer can only do what the programmer tells it to do.’ I think the real sin in life is not acknowledging and taking advantage of our ability to have independent thought. Not grabbing the reigns, essentially, and acknowledging the fact that we can stop and change direction any time we want. We can actually restrain ourselves, or we can jump in and help someone even if it means getting hurt. So many programmed people walking around in the world. It’s the greatest sin I can imagine, really. I suppose it’s the greatest because it encompasses all the other “sins”.” And that is what all of this culminates into, I believe. All of my life’s questions really point back to this simple truth: when we relinquish our right to steer our own minds and feelings, be it for a deity, a steadfast philosophy or way of living… when we relinquish our natural-born right to stop and exercise skepticism in the quest for truth, when we fail to question our world and what it all means, we have become complacent, and therefore… useless. We are not living up to our full potential and we are no better than the bottom-feeders that scour the lowest places on earth for our life’s meaning. I will not tolerate my life to amount to only that. I want women who feel the same way to be involved in my project. I don’t care if you’ve got only one brain cell, honey, if you’ve got heart, I want to know you. I hope this conveys what I’m trying to do here, and I extend any apologies necessary so that Mike knows I’m not really about using his blog for my personal fodder. I appreciate your letting me take my moments here. It’s been a great experience for me. Please know that, and thank you. 🙂

– Julie Meadows

30280cookie-checkWhat I Want

What I Want

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18 Responses

  1. looking forward to the doc. it’s great to see more adult stars doing credible crossover work but at the same time it’s really silly that society wants a distinction between sex and fake sex.

  2. What a bland reply, huh? I really am feeling dark lately.

    We are uptight here, so maybe in the future, as walls are broken down, people will not be so pigeon-holed. It’s a nice thought. I don’t get why other people don’t get it. The only reason we are into such extremes in our sexual tastes is because sex is considered so taboo! I like Mike’s pictures and comments about Thailand. Sounds like a very mature bunch of people, overall.

  3. Hey Julie Congrats

    It pleases me when people who contribute to my site find opportunities, It happened for Kayden and Im tickled it happened for you. I have the best audience of all the adult sites.

    Im proud of ya and I’m honored to have you as a contributor here

  4. Julie- If you were to write a book I would read it straight through in one sitting. You’re an amazing writer. Every time you post something, whether I agree with it or not, I think you help our industry. I tend to get defensive when people beat up on porn but you’ve taken the human approach and it’s smarter and softer. Who can argue with the fact that we’re all still human with thoughts and feelings and life experiences that you can’t really grasp unless you’ve been there? I wish you the best of luck with your documentary and I look forward to seeing it. If you need anything at all from me you know how to get in touch. I’m trying to separate myself from the blog sites so I won’t be commenting anymore but you have my full support. Have fun with it!

  5. Thank you, both. I’m a little too overwhelmed to say anything more. I will call you, Kayden. I appreciate your sentiment, too. It makes me feel good. 🙂 And I will definitely have fun with it!

  6. Julie…sheer poetry is your prose…like I said earlier…WOW! I am here in sunny FLA now and still dishevelled but once I get settled I would like to speak with you…I know I am a little fish in the big porn pond but if you want to get the perspective of a very perverted, sexually deviant, always horny housewife amateur (sort of) porn girl i would LOVE to be a part of the project…btw I took your phone number with me..

  7. Oh good!! And also, over the weekend this has turned into a bigger production. I’ll be writing more about it and also have to figure out a way to send out a press release, but this is going to be more like a movie with production costs, etc… There’s a chance we might be able to fly you out, at some point, Miss Lovehands. I’ll keep you posted.

    Thank you for your kind words, and I’d love to have you in this project. You are awesome! I’m glad you made it to Florida safely, too!! Stay away from that mold, at any cost. 🙂

  8. Oh good! I didn’t know how to take it, that’s why I had to ask. 😀

    I had to look it up, and then still wasn’t sure (it’d be very arrogant of me to assume it was complimentary if I don’t know), and the two people I asked that have read The Art of War weren’t sure, either. In fact, the second person I asked looked at me and said, “You’re hateful and calculating?” See how easy it is to read extra tings into something?

    Now that I know for sure, “Thank you, Dirty Bob!”

    I told the second person I talked to, “I want to be flattered by the insinuation that I’m clever and calculating… but sadly, I am neither.” I do hope that changes over time. There is something to be said for clever and calculating!

  9. Julie, Wonderful article. Absolutely captivating. Congrats and best of luck on the documentary. Sounds like a worthwhile endeavor. I wish I were closer. I’d love to help with it (Mike can vouch that I’m perfectly qualified to serve as a barndoor, if you don’t happen to have one on location).

    Machiavellian??? WTF??? I can’t figure that one out either. I certainly don’t see any Machiavellian features in any of your articles.

    Keep up the great writing, sweetie. I look forward to it.

  10. Thanks, Tod! I saw that you re-told the story of our meeting on your blog. That’s funny! I’ll never forget it. 😀

    I also got to read the links in “Sage Advice” and the useful “Vegas Tips”. Good stuff there! I got to meet Dave Cummings in Sacramento in 2001, during a lobbying stint. He was very helpful and funny. Taught me not to push the elevator buttons with my fingertips, but to instead use my knuckle – a part of my appendage that would not likely come near my mouth and face and therefore prevent the spread of cold and infection planted by people who do push the buttons with their fingers. To this day I only use my knuckles to puch elevator buttons, vending machine buttons, soda dispensers, etc…

    You’ve got a relaxed wit that packs a punch with little effort. Love reading you stuff. 🙂 And I will certainly ask for your help when shoots roll around. Any chance to hang out and chit chat I’ll jump on, for sure!

  11. Uh, Julie, I really hate to point this out, but I’m not Tod Hunter. I’m just “Hunter”. No one’s really sure if it’s my first name or last name. For all we know it may be my middle name. One thing’s for certain, though. I’m not nearly as famous as Tod Hunter. Well, except to my three dogs. They think I’m a GOD who makes food mysteriously appear from behind that closed door that must surely lead into a dark abyss where no mere mortal (dog) can survive. They have no idea who Tod Hunter is

    However, thanks for calling my attention to Tod’s blog, very interesting reading there. Of course now I’ll get even less real work done because I’ve added yet another blog to check in on (my creditors send their regards).

    Don’t worry, though. I’d still love to come help you shoot, chit-chat, hang out,etc. But I’ll have to borrow South’s scooter since gas is so high and it’s about a 4000 mile round trip *grin*

  12. Besides… It could be worse. You could have confused me with Dirty Bob.

    Machiavellian Callidity???? I’m still not getting that one… lol

  13. Aw shoot! Lame brain. Obviously, I had Tod on the brain, having just seen him and written about him. Sorry Hunter. 😛

    Hey! Have you and Lady H tried to send me anything through the mail? Something’s going on with my mail. Hmm…. I’ll send you a separate e-mail later.

    You and your lovely lady are welcome to hang out with me anytime you are in the vicinity! Hopefully, the same goes for me, if I happen to be out your way.

    My husband could not find “callidity” on the internet. 😀

  14. No apology necessary, Julie. I got a kick out of it. I’ve been compared to worse. A while back when a friend of mine was telling someone who’d never met me how to find me in a crowded bar, he said “When you see a guy who looks like either Jesus Christ or Charles Manson, that’s Hunter”. So I guess I’m pretty flexible. It also shows you how brutal my friends are.

    We have sent you something, but it hasn’t arrived yet. I know this because we ordered the same thing for ourselves (me, actually). I think you’ll enjoy it. It was Lady H’s idea, after she watched your interviews with me.

    You guys are welcomed anytime. Hell, we’ll even put ya up in a glider if the weather’s right.
    Now that’s true southern hospitality.

    I found callidity on the net (yeah, I had to look it up too), and I can even see that in your writing. But not in context with Machiavellian. I’m getting really proficient at typing that, by the way.

  15. lol!! Ha! I just realized that last night I sent Tod a quick message on FaceBook that says, “Thanks for the comment, Tod! I just left my own response.” As soon as I remembered it I pictured in my head his turning around in his chair, looking out around him for the something he missed. That’s funny. To Infinity, And Blonde! He’s a cool dude. I’m actually really into checking out other people’s Blog Rolls lately. Interesting what one can find!

    Oh, okay [on the mail thing]. Actually caught your response just as I logged in to send you an e-mail. Mike had mentioned something, so I will let you know if I encounter any problems.

    A glider, huh? I don’t know… I picture myself going over a cliff when I die, actually, but in a Mustang… and at the tender age of eighty, just because I think it would be a fun way to go. If that dream got somehow taken from me on a lightweight glider, I would probably have to come back in reincarnated form to do it all over again. I’m not sure I am prepared to do that. Man, I really hope that was entertaining because I have definitely just revealed too much of myself.

    Ha! Jesus Christ or Charles Manson… so basically, “look for the someone who looks like my ex-husband.” Got it.

    Dirty Bob, I hope you’re not offended. I do appreciate your compliment the way you intended it. 😀

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