What I Want

I wrote some dark stuff last night. I can’t post any of it because it’s too revealing. I feel like Basil Hallworth that way, from The Picture of Dorian Gray. It’s not good to reveal too much of one’s soul. We must save something for ourselves, lest we become martyrs – the most thankless job there is, I’m sure. Thing is, I don’t feel dark, it’s just that some painful changes are happening that are forcing growth and forcing better things to happen in my life. I am very excited to say that I am filming a documentary about the women of the adult industry.

Though Doug and I are enduring the death throws of a once beautiful relationship with our landlady of five years because she was hospitalized and everything has been left to her tyrant son, incredible things are on the horizon. Hard times get me thinking about what it’s all for and why it’s necessary to stop, take inventory and then re-approach  everything with a new outlook. Truth is, a lot of good can come out of a “bad” situation. Balance in all things, right? Tod Hunter links to some great stories on his site. I don’t think it betrays Mike to reference Tod’s blog since Tod is listed in Mike’s blog roll, but at any rate, “Thank you, Mike, for listing Tod in your blog roll! I might not have otherwise found it and been able to read it, even though I’ve known Tod for years now. Yours is truly one of the better industry sites for it’s real personality, opinion and journalism (not to mention lack of cretinous commenters). A real testament to your worth as an industry insider.” 🙂

Anyway, as I said, Tod links to some great interviews, one being an interview with Gore Vidal, who is certain that America is falling fast. I understand his perspective, and I understand, also, that he understands more than I do, but I don’t have quite the dismal perspective of our world and our future prospects. Truth is, I can’t afford to have such a perspective. I’m not privileged in any way; I have no wealth, no real hope for success, no reason to feel optimistic… yet that is exactly why I do! In my state, in my place in life, I should not expect anything good to happen to me. By society’s standards I am a used-up person, a throwaway. I have no formal education, no history, no ties, my people skills are poor, I’m shy. I could be more attractive, but I don’t care. I could be healthier, but I drink too much. I could be smarter, but I am exhaustively weary due to the arrogance of so-called “intellects” who spout constant ramble and really know nothing, in the school of actual “know how”. I am a blank page and hopelessly uncertain at the precipice of thirty-six years, and against such odds... I feel great! Against everything life tells me I am and will never be, I feel good about myself. It’s, all, right. I add punctuation to emphasize that this is not the typical, colloquial “alright”. Please don’t misunderstand me. It’s, all, right… and it’s all, right, now! I’m living the life for me. I’m challenged to prove someone, somewhere… wrong. I am priceless, and only wonderful things can happen. This is the inevitable, unavoidable, and impossible dream, for someone like me. Quite lovely, isn’t it?

Jonathan Appel was my neighbor four years ago. I will not divulge too much about him because he is my friend and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, but he is a bright, intelligent and über-creative guy. He is the talented filmmaker and instigator behind this project. He filmed a documentary that was accepted this year at the Friar’s Club Comedy Film Festival, where he won the Audience Choice Award. His film is about the challenge that a group of New York-based, African-American Christians face when presenting clean comedy to the masses, what their lives are like, how they are propelled by their conviction, and what kind of obstacles it presents. It’s touching, real and accessible. It’s a brilliant look at real life, so I know he is more than qualified to take on the task of humanizing the female adult actress.

The documentary uses the platform of the interviews I’ve been conducting and expounds on it. I apologize for not having posted more interviews, but we decided to do this shortly after my interview with Kayden Kross… Wait! Actually, we talked that same day, because he hung out with the neighbors while we wrapped things up with Kayden, then we headed down to Le Petit Four for dinner. I was still wearing my Cocaine Incorporated T-shirt, which always gets a lot of curious stares. That’s right! It happened that same day. Thank you, Kayden! 😀 I’ll just consider you my lucky charm in that regard.

I told Jonathan that Mike South had suggested I really consider the film festival circuit and invest in HD cameras, because everyone is shooting HD projects. Amazing what just a little effort and thought can do. All the seeds planted, the sun and warmth of Jonathan’s success with his latest documentary glowing, the water and depth of feeling for these women that I feel… and life is pushing forward, baby! Can’t stop progress. And Jonathan is a visionary. He has adapted a 35mm lens to two light-weight cameras so we can capture the warmth of film-quality work. After the first few interviews we’ll post some sample and teaser material for audiences to see. 35mm adds depth and warmth to the picture. It won’t be just material-deep, but visual, as well.

I have sent a few e-mails, I printed cards with my actress name and blog and e-mail address on them, I went to Porn Star Karaoke Tuesday night with Doug, Jonathan and his female friend. I am jumping into the deep end here and need some interesting women who want to be part of this. We had started out with a few lures for the women, but I fell into my own depth. I don’t want people who are not interested. I don’t want anyone who is going to pretend at anything. This documentary is not just about the wonderful women of the adult industry, this is about me. I’m not moonlighting here. I’m not taking a break for a moment in my life to be artistically avant-garde. This is my life. It’s about giving it meaning, making it real, and ultimately, saving it from a shallow grave. I’m prepared to rip out my own heart and serve it up still beating. I want women who can be fun, interesting and real, the way I have been real throughout my entire career as an adult actress. The way Chloe was real. And please don’t ask, “Which Chloe?” because I will have an episode – not your fault, but there is only one Chloe in my world, and she’s still my best friend, whether she knows it or not. You want to know what working with Max was like? It was horrible! I don’t want to trash people, but that, is a real answer. Russel Crowe answered questions about his career, honestly – well after I had – and you know what? Ridley Scott still directs his movies well after the criticism. Maybe even because of the criticism. We can all benefit from honesty. This documentary is going to be good. I promise you that. Not only good, but it’s female-friendly. No one will be made fun of, I promise. And I don’t make promises because they are so easily broken, so that’s really saying something.

My writing gets more intense all of the time, but this is not an intense project. It’s actually just full of what I’ve already done, except that I will do more research when I do interview the models, because I want the questions to be more interesting. I would love to re-interview all three models that graciously allowed me to peak into their lives from the start: Kayden Kross, Bobbi Star, and Tanner Mayes. Each have something wonderful and obvious about them that I think is compelling. It would be a privilege to highlight them in this piece.

As I said, I went to Porn Star Karaoke, and was warmly received. Seymour, the event promoter, is a sweetheart. I used to go to PSK monthly, back in 2003 and 2004, but after marriage I had to separate myself from it in order to really focus on reorganizing my life. I shared a long and hard hug from Seymour, a man who cared more about my welfare than I did, back then. I have a funny/not-so-funny story about one of the last times I saw him that I will reiterate sometime, but not now. I got to see and hug Tod Hunter, the first person to get me a paid writing gig. I told him that, and he did not know he had contributed to my life, in that way. It was nice to say it and thank him for it. And I’ll say it again here, “Thank you, Tod!” I also got to speak with John Rogers of The Associated Press. He was kind and easy to talk to. He fascinated me with his shorthand. I have the Gregg Shorthand book, but since I’m self-taught in almost everything and hardly have time (much in league the sign language book I own), there’s not much chance I will master that any time soon. Good thing I have a digital recorder, I guess. Nicki Hunter was a gracious hostess, and I’d love to feature her in my project. All-in-all, it was fun and good to see some familiar faces.

In closing, I would like to mention that I had a bit of dialogue today with someone who writes to me because he likes my writing, and in the process of responding to him, because of a link he’d sent to me concerning trauma and the process most people go through in reenacting their own victimization, as opposed to learning from it and changing the patterns on their own, I wrote, “I was reading the first link you’d sent me and was thinking about the human brain in terms of programming – I may have already told you this, so I apologize if I did – and I thought, ‘It makes sense that people do what they know to do because we’re like computers that way. A computer can only do what the programmer tells it to do.’ I think the real sin in life is not acknowledging and taking advantage of our ability to have independent thought. Not grabbing the reigns, essentially, and acknowledging the fact that we can stop and change direction any time we want. We can actually restrain ourselves, or we can jump in and help someone even if it means getting hurt. So many programmed people walking around in the world. It’s the greatest sin I can imagine, really. I suppose it’s the greatest because it encompasses all the other “sins”.” And that is what all of this culminates into, I believe. All of my life’s questions really point back to this simple truth: when we relinquish our right to steer our own minds and feelings, be it for a deity, a steadfast philosophy or way of living… when we relinquish our natural-born right to stop and exercise skepticism in the quest for truth, when we fail to question our world and what it all means, we have become complacent, and therefore… useless. We are not living up to our full potential and we are no better than the bottom-feeders that scour the lowest places on earth for our life’s meaning. I will not tolerate my life to amount to only that. I want women who feel the same way to be involved in my project. I don’t care if you’ve got only one brain cell, honey, if you’ve got heart, I want to know you. I hope this conveys what I’m trying to do here, and I extend any apologies necessary so that Mike knows I’m not really about using his blog for my personal fodder. I appreciate your letting me take my moments here. It’s been a great experience for me. Please know that, and thank you. 🙂

– Julie Meadows