Sides of Me

I am very disappointed with myself lately, but this morning I was able to pinpoint what is really bothering me.

I love writing because it forces me to dig deep in order to find the answers to my own questions. It’s one of the reasons I have a problem with organized religion, because I believe we can find the answers to any questions we might have just by looking within ourselves. I can appreciate that many people don’t want to think, that they want their thoughts spoon-fed to them, but that’s why good writing is such a challenge and reward. If you can find something true on your own to share, chances are, no matter where you come from or who you are, that one revealed truth can connect you with anyone else in the world, because we are never really that different. All deep truths are universal.

I have been over-amplifying my dark side lately, and it is quite a disturbing thing to see. It seems fun to drive like a maniac, to drink too much and act like an ass, but it’s not actually that funny. A friend said, “It was okay when we were twenty-six…” And after some thought, my response was, “You know… It wasn’t even okay then.” I have friends, who when I see them, love to reminisce about some really horrible things I’ve done in my past, because it seemed funny at the time. For me, looking back and trying to recapture such a young, naïve, confused existence doesn’t seem productive anymore. I have to find a way to express how much more gratifying it seems, to me, to create new memories and not chase the past.

When we are children, we are a blank page, and slowly we meet people who introduce us to sides of ourselves. We have many sides and eventually, if we don’t lead sheltered lives, we meet every side. Whatever is emphasized the most is the side we typically express the most. Lately, I have been expressing my angry side. I have a friend at work who is entertained by this side of me, but somewhere along the line I have forgotten that this is not all of me. I have always been able to pull out different facets of my personality depending on who I am around. Different people require a different approach, because everyone is approachable if you know what “side” they favor.

Anger has led me most of my life. Anger at my ex-husband, at ex-boyfriends and ex-friends, at family, at life, at rules, but unfortunately, the only person who really suffers from my anger, is me. I am the one tormented and tortured when no one else is around. These people are not in my life anymore, or if they are, barely, but it’s as if they are still right in front of me. Actually, my life is very good now, but the past keeps chasing me because I refuse to let go of the hurt I feel. Doug has given me the room to feel, to be angry, to stop compartmentalizing and to really face the hurt in me, but always in hopes that I will eventually shed it. It’s time I start cutting myself a break and start fighting for something worth fighting for. My own happiness.

Someone sent me an e-mail last week about angels, and it said: “Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up! An angel has been sent to you…” blah, blah, blah. (Followed by the obligatory, “You must send this to ten people or your whole family will die a fiery death!” onus). I found it curious that no word was supplied for what looks forward. So, I responded by asking. My guess is it’s Courage. I’ll take the built-in capabilities I was born with over invisible people any day! I must be growing up…

Oh! I am finding that it helps to take an angry emotion as it is happening and ask myself why the person/thing/situation is making me so angry. Dealing with feelings like one would deal with any sort of problem and tackling it in a constructive way. So far so good, even though I have found that when I think I’ve got it figured out, something to prove to me that I have not figured it out usually slams me in the face. And that makes me quite angry!!! j/k 😀

 – Julie Meadows

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Sides of Me

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20 Responses

  1. Julie…that is so insightful….you and I sound like we are a lot least on I feel the same way about things sometimes..I am going through some family stuff with my sister right now and its because of the same type of us have moved on and matured and the other hasn’t. It’s sad really. But introspection is good for all of us…the REAL question is do we LEARN from the process of introspection. It sounds like you have..some people..I’m not going to name names..(my sister) haven’t learned nor matured.

  2. I know, it’s weird, right? I have family in the same position, and they act like they are grasping for answers, but religions don’t actually provide answers. It’s seems to me more of a tool for being okay with not looking for answers. I think it’s lazy, myself. I also think most of us sex industry chicks have tons in common – one trait being that we’re very independant and prone towards not getting along with other females (ha!)- but I love your writing. We should chat offline sometime. 🙂

  3. Julie, I hear you.

    We paint the outside of our bodies beautiful but the inside is like dead men’s bones. The hurt topples on top of itself until the hurt gets so big and ugly, growing like a cancer, webbing around the walls of our hear, which ultimately turns us cold and callous and devoid or incapable of love. We substitue lust for love, thrills for security, cash for comfort. We pop more pills, slam more drugs, drink ourselves silly or end us, as I did. Ultimately we decide to go through, over, or around those persons/things/situations that are uniquely our own.

  4. Those angel emails (I get them from my mom all the time) seem sweet if only slightly annoying. But I never really thought about how passive ‘faith’ is. I mean, “faith looks up”? So you’re standing there, slack-jawed, looking up — that’s how people get hit by a bus. Brilliant insight about looking forward, it does take courage. It sounds like you’ve got it in spades.

  5. I would say I have to disagree. The Religion I practise has given me a lot of answers. It has made my life more simple and easier, rather than harder and complex.
    I have toyed with many Religions, Philosophical Ideas etc and have found none gave the answers I was looking for apart from the one I practise now.

    As regards to women in the adult industry –

    Women in the adult industry should stick together, not regard each other as the enemy. If anything it’s men who should be the ‘enemy’.
    We need more female directors, producers, actresses.
    More porn made for women by women.
    I knew an actress once who was the epitome of everything that is wrong about some women who enter the adult industry.And the sex industry in general.
    She came into the adult industry with the classic “daddy issue” syndrome. She was catty competitive, slept with every guy going, (including my boyfriend may I add), hated women and didn’t give a damn about anyone else but herself. She was incredibly attention seeking and full of herself.
    She lost friends, respect for herself and others, all because her stupid Dad had cheated on her mother when she was younger and she was dealing with these issues n a very dysfuctional way.She believed all men cheated and that all women would run off with married men. Then in an ironic turn of things, she actually became like the S**t her father had run off with! Talk about a self fulfiling prophecy. Eugh, She turns my stomach even thinking about her.
    What was deeply sad was that she even had a kid by a guy she didn’t love when she was very young (and slept with another guy who had a girlfriend while she was pregnant) just to fill in the void of love she should’ve had with her father.
    Pretty sad really.

    Psychologists believe that porn made by men shows women being used. Some women (who are particularily attention seeking or have issues) like this.
    However if there was to be more women involved in the whole industry things would change.Men get away with too much as it is in other areas of society, it shouldn’t be the same in the lucrative world of adult entertainment.We need well adjusted women as well. This industry will eat you up and spit you out unless you are strong enough mentally emotionally and psychologically.

    And what happened to the girl in question?
    Well, she is married, and as far as I know cheating on her husband. HA!
    C’est la vie.

  6. Well, Angel, first of all, congratulations on having a religion that suits your needs and makes you feel good. I think Dave Wayne and I all too often experience the kind of religious fanaticism in people that doesn’t come from any kind of independent thought, but that “eat this and don’t ask questions” kind that doesn’t allow for any kind of growth. It stunts growth, but you did make a distinction with your comment, and I think it stunts the growth in people who are too lazy to think for themselves. Buddhism is the closest I’ve found to something spiritual that makes sense – by working as a guide and not attemtping to provide all-encompassing answers that don’t work for every situation.

    I agree on more powerful women in the industry, but as you did mention later, finally, well-rounded women. I know nice men in the industry, so I don’t think that bonding as women means we should see men as the enemy. It doesn’t seem productive to alienate one person in order to get close to someone else. They’re just people, too, and there are some very intelligent and kind men out there. I have heard stories about Jenna Jameson that make her sound more like the worse sort of men I’ve met than the wonderful sex industry role model she would be made out to be. Those are just stories and they could be wrong, but let’s face it, some women can be just as cruel, if not crueler, than men. I like to see people being honest, and I like to see girls standing up for themselves on set (I had to soooo many times), but I, too, would like to see more female bonding than I get to see. Did you know there is an International Day for prostitutes because French prostitutes in… I forget the year, but in the last century, initiated a demonstration for better treatment? When the cops threatened to take their children from them, women who were not prostitutes joined the demonstration so that the police could not distinguish one from the other and had to listen to them? I will add links to that in a future post. That proves that women CAN and DO stand up for each other, and that’s pretty fucking kick-ass if you ask me!!!

  7. Thank you Julie for your nice comments. I enjoy reading your blogs on your website as well. It is great you are writing for Mike South. You have great talent as a writer. I believe it is important to see all sides of an argument and you can do that very well on diverse topics.
    I like to think about things and this seems a good site to express intelligent opinions (as opposed to so many others out there that are superficial sites).
    I read Jenna Jameson’s “Make Love Like A Porn Star” and while I commend her on being an astute businesswoman, in some of the chapters I felt she was more than a little confused.
    She does seem overly crtical of women in the book at points, and confused about her sexuality, but I suppose she was just trying to find her way through and deal with all the hardships that come with being in the business. 🙂

  8. Julie I would like that very much…hope your weekend goes well and you have fun…email me OR ask Mike to give you my number or if its OK can he give me yours?
    much love xoxox Lindsey

  9. I’m so glad you took me the way I meant to come across! Whew. It is hard to comment sometimes, isn’t it? Maybe it’s just me. You know, to really convey what your feeling because you’re forced to get your thoughts out pretty quickly, yet concisely. Am I right? I find it difficult sometimes!

    I didn’t read Jenna’s book – and this is where I show off my snob side. I respect her as a business woman, but that is it. I understand that if you cannot write and you have a story it is smart to commission someone to write your story for you, I don’t care about that, but to put “Cautionary Tale” in the title when you are a wildly successful porn star has no heart at all. That is pure business savvy, pure marketing to make the correct leap into the mainstream, with no heart, at all! And then I’m jealous, too, of course. My hope was that a woman with heart would make the first stride to that side… Actually, many women have written their own stories, but my guess is the stories, themselves, weren’t written in a way to bring outsiders in, intimately, you know? I just felt that the business marketing behind Jenna’s book was more undermining to other women in the industry than a glimpse into how wonderful these creatures can actually be. Maybe it can still happen. I am impressed with Sasha Grey’s intensity, but I don’t know how smart she is.

    Thank you for sharing your perspective, Angel! And thank you for your kind compliments, too!! 🙂

  10. To Lindsey – of course Mike can give you my number! I love Southern gals. You’re a firecracker! Have a great rest of your weekend, too, Sugar! 😀

  11. I remember the great Ron Jeremy said that Jenna’s book should’ve been titled “How to f**k like a porn star” not “make love”. I guess that was to make the distinction that porn stars are just doing a job and try not to let emotions get involved.
    I like Ron, he’s funny and intelligent.

    Yes, I find it hard to post comments. I never know if someone will get offended by what I say, and all my thoughts come tumbling out and half the time I remember what I was going to say long after I have posted it!! 🙂

  12. Has anyone ever read a book called “How we tried to make the greatest porn film ever?” by Victoria Cohen and Charlie Skelton (Fourth Estate Publishing). It is a hilarious tale of two amateurs from UK who go to America and other countries to try and make a porn film. One of them actually falls in love with a bisexual co star!
    It is quite witty and nicely written.
    What’s more, I noticed an interview with adult stars Dale Da Bone and Julie Meadows in it while they were on the set of “Sinderella”…!! (Chapter 12)…back in 2001 I think!
    A cool book if anyone is interested. It is available on Amazon!

  13. Really? That does sound really cool, actually. It’s sounds funny, and you gotta love those Brits and their cheekiness. I am going to look it up. I hope I don’t sound like a schmuck in it, of course. 😛

    I just read, too, that Tera has a co-authored book coming out (I still read ghost-written, but whatever :D), but it has a nice title – “Sinner Takes All”, awesome! – and actually looks like it could be a good read. I met Tera a few times and didn’t particularly like her personality, but it still looks interesting enough that it could be good. I guess we will see!

  14. Whoops, I meant “Sinful Rella” (2001)…my mistake.
    There is also a chapter with Jane Hamilton as well.

    The full title of the book is
    “ONCE MORE WITH FEELING – how we tried to make the greatest porn film ever”.

    Available on Amazon, which also have some reviews of it as well. Whether conservative or liberal, any reader will find it entertaining. Some stuff in it really makes you think.

    I myself, am not very experienced when it comes to carnal pleasures, so to speak,LOL, and I was certainly enlightened! (as well as a little embarrassed by some things in it):)
    I bought it thinking it was a comedy but it is actually pretty factual.

    Tera’s book sounds cool…I have seen her in various videos that show the “real life” aspect of adult.

    I recommend:

    Hard Trip

    Secret Lives of Adult Stars.

    For informative interviews.

  15. Cool. I love a good read, so thanks for the tip. 🙂

    And on your “not [being] very experienced when it comes to carnal pleasures…”, we all need a little help in different areas. At least that’s a fairly easy fix. Know any good manuals on learning intimacy tricks? Ugh… Learning never ends, does it?

  16. I know, life is a learning process, and some lessons are so hard I think…
    I have the worst tasts in men…aside from the guy I mentioned in my first post,which was a lot of years ago, the latest guy to really hurt me was just last year. The ironic thing was I had been celibate for eight (yes, eight) years before that, due to being hurt before!It was a dramatic, bold move on my part. Now my head is all over the place.It seems to me that avoiding sex and intimacy maybe is the only way I can stop being hurt.
    I guess I am naive when it comes to judging men although I have read some good books on dating, but don’t have any on sex/intimacy or anything.
    Still, I try not to be too bitter about things. The worst of the hurt is over…now I am just angry and confused.
    Writing though helps me put things in perspective.

  17. I hear ya! Without writing I would be so much more of a mess than I am. I’m impressed with your being able to commit to celibacy for eight years. But you know, getting hurt is unavoidable. Don’t punish yourself too much. You owe it to yourself to try relationships. We all deserve to be happy. 🙂

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