I Feel Like I’m Dying

I have officially lost my mind. My good friend Mike South put in a good word for me at a prominent adult company, I was given a career opportunity that involves writing, and after three days… I turned it down. I have been drinking every day since then, trying to figure out how I’m going to be my own boss and whether or not I deserve it. As Trent Reznor so eloquently says, “You could have it all… my empire of dirt. I will let you down… I will make you hurt.”

That’s how I feel. That’s how I’ve always felt. I’m an arrogant asshole. I feel I deserve the opportunity to command a piece of reality in the creative world. I have vision and feelings that transcend commonality, but I acknowledge that I am arrogant in the extreme. I probably don’t deserve anything past what anyone else deserves, except that I really feel I deserve it. Even the statement, “…but I acknowledge that I am arrogant in the extreme,” is a hedonistic and self-serving statement. Who cares if I acknowledge my own arrogance? And yet, the arrogance and drive is there. But the arrogance and drive for what? That’s the question.

I rail against my shortcomings. I rail against what I cannot change. I rail against love because I don’t feel I deserve it. I rail against hate because I deserve love. I rail against prejudice to the point of killing humor. I rail against anger that kills humor. I rail against anti-individuality and I rail against the constant “I’s”. I, I, I… what? “I” – nothing! “I” don’t even know what “I’m” doing half the time, except for pleading for a love “I” stab repeatedly for being false, undeserving, unreal and unacceptable. Doug doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going!

I swim through feelings of hurt and pain. I wrote a kind letter of resignation to my three-day boss, “I feel my time on this planet is better spent trying to be happy, even if I fall flat on my face…” I mean that. I would rather die face-down on Sunset Boulevard, in shit and stepped over by the trendy people on their way from Book Soup to The Rainbow, because I wouldn’t compromise, rather than live in the Hollywood Hills with a view of downtown Los Angeles feeling like a piece of shit because I did compromise. Because I didn’t follow my heart, no matter how I rail against my own self-esteem and what I do or don’t deserve. There are people my age that are not in porn whose intelligence far exceeds my own, and there are people my age still in porn who haven’t gotten as far as I have, and I feel all of it. I don’t begrudge anyone who thinks of suicide. It’s a personal choice. This world isn’t designed for the sensitive, it’s designed for the insensitive. For the clinical thinking and the opportunists. I’m not going to kill myself, but I don’t begrudge anyone who does. They probably feel it’s the only relief they have because they are just too sensitive for all of it. Is it selfish? Sure it is. It’s the last vestige of selfishness the selfless can afford.

I am arrogant, but not without a boat-load of fear and humbleness. I come from a simple people who break their backs to make a dime. I come from a humble people who trust and expect a person to live up to their word, but now I know it doesn’t work that way. Everything is blood inked into a contract, a piece of paper, and I’m lucky if drinking makes me feel better. I’ll be lucky to die an alcoholic rather than coughing and hacking and barely breathing due to some other physical complication. I’ll be lucky if someone will just murder me quickly.

It all seems dour, of course, but that’s because I feel I’m bleeding to death. My feelings are leaking through me and I can’t make it stop. Where is the tournequet when I need it? I need it. Right now, I really need it.

36700cookie-checkI Feel Like I’m Dying

I Feel Like I’m Dying

Share This

11 Responses

  1. maybe you ought to moderate your drinking. be grateful for your blessings because you do better than most. take care.

  2. 100 AA meetings, in 100 days. You’re a smart girl deal with the monkey once and for all and move on.

  3. lol What a drama queen! I won’t quit drinking but I do feel better. Writing gets it out when nothing else will. I will cut back on the drinking, but 100 AA meetings in 100 days with guarantee that I commit suicide. lol Seriously, I am a dark person sometimes, but I emerge. This legal stuff is depressing, but I’ll figure it out. I’m just so introverted and real business savvy requires that I be pretty extroverted, but I’ll do it. I will become an extroverted, outspoken and dogged about the mechanics of business. Kicking and screaming, of course.

    Thank you for your concern and also the reference to Joan Didion.

  4. “This world isn’t designed for the sensitive, it’s designed for the insensitive”.

    I really like this line form your blog. I feel like this a lot.

    I, myself, am a highly sensitive, introvert. (not to be confused with shyness..you can have shy extroverts).I work in a job just so I can pay my bills. I have to pretend every day to like assholes that are cruel to me. And I take verbal abuse every day.
    When I come home that is when I am myself…it’s like I have an explosion of creativity. I start to think and tend to lose myself in day dreams.
    I like peace, and despise crowds…which is why you will never see me at a Metallica concert for example. If you do, I will be the one standing at the drinks tent at the very back. I get a kind of security from being on my own with my own thoughts. Of course, extroverts get their mental energies from others. Introverts like me will have to have time alone after liasons with large crowds of people, to kind of recharge their batteries if you like.They are happiest in small gatherings with maybe two or three people. I could never say, go on that US show The Surreal Life. I could not be around people for weeks on end.

    As an Aquarian, you are very unique ,independent, and individual. You need a strong sense of identity. Aquarians biggest enemy is boredom. And when they are disillusioned, they never forgive.

    They need to feel mentally and intellectually stretched and challenged. They like to know how others tick and are always thinking.They like to inform and educate others. I reckon you would be good at something like teaching English as a foreign language to overseas students. (French ones?) 😛

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are human. Give yourself a break every once and a while. Life is not worth it. This is only a test.

    As far as alcohol goes…Some people drink to forget.
    Personally speaking, when I drink, I remember. So that is why I tend to avoid alcohol. A smal drink every now and then will be ok for you as long as you know your limits.

    You are a beautiful person with a good heart.
    Never forget that.
    Angle. (I mean Angel) :))

  5. I am definitely an introvert, and I fear change as much as I desire it, but I have to get past all that. Have to. I guess the main point is if I am really going to be a writer and consider myself a writer, I can’t keep taking projects that pull me away from it no matter how attractive they are. I feel for you, Angel. I worked at a place like that. Having to endure verbal abuse in the workplace is unnecessary, and it rubbed off on me, and in turn, made me a nasty person at times. There’s no reason for any office person to use curse words to express what they need and how they need it. Granted, I didn’t bear the brunt of that kind of talk, but I had to listen to it and then was always handed more work because someone else couldn’t do their job properly. I had physical episodes due to stress and that is not healthy. I hope you can find a way to do something you love and not have to work in an environment like that. It’s hard for introverts to stand their ground about things like that. I really hate confrontation, but I’ve seen people circumvent “confrontation” by using a diplomatic approach. There is a way to set boundaries and converse without the confrontation part. It just takes some extra thought and practice? People rehearse before stepping into a courtroom, where the lawyer plays the other side and grills the defendant or the plaintiff so that they are prepared for the questions and/or accusations that will be thrown at them. I think too much. Maybe I just need to meditate. 😀 Anyway, if you ever want to pow-wow about confrontational things you have to tackle, maybe I can help you by doing some similar kind of exercise with you? Just throwing that out there. 🙂

  6. Im glad you emerged OK and you know what? I get it at one time I drank and did drugs to cope, and in a lot of ways it worked, but it also created more problems over the long haul.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all being preachy, just relating what worked for me.

    When I was a kid and I needed to get away my coping mechanism was to collect my fish rod and hike, or ride my bike, sometimes a very long way and spend some time in solitude fishing and letting it all wash over me. When i discovered alcohol, weed, coke and so on my coping mechanism changed.

    Then one day, at the age of 26, I didn’t like who I saw in the mirror and over night I went cold turkey on all of it, even smoking. To keep from going crazy I found myself back involved in fishing, I taught myself to fly fish, I tied my own flies and whenever I hurt, which was frequent at first I used fishing as my diversion. Eventually the pains of addiction resided, I don’t call myself an addict, I never did any 12 step program and I can drink a beer with my sashimi and not even desire a second one.

    When I started this blog, I discovered that for me, writing was every bit as theraputic as fishing, and in some areas, more so. it gave me an audience to vent my rage on and I was surprised to see how many people it reached out to.

    It also gave me massive amounts of freedom, because it freed me of things that bothered me. When you have something that you feel compelled to keep hidden and you decide to broadcast it to tens of thousands of people, believe me your problem becomes very insignificant.

    Of course I saw Born into this, Tim Case turned me on to it but I’d have found iot on my own anyway, being a Bukowski fan.

    And friends is what we are, I try not to overstep my boundaries and if I do I trust you will tell me. I figure the best route is to simply relate my own life, it’s what we writers do, but you are far better at it than I am. if I were an editor I’d snap you up and make a rock star outta you.

  7. That is a story I can understand. A different coping mechanism may, indeed, be the right way to go. I can definitely gel on that and try to think of a another, healthier way to relax/sleep/open up, etc… I used to love bike riding. Actually had a bike but the ex-lover still has it stored in his garage, unless he’s given it away. Maybe that is a good route to take.

    I don’t know about being a better writer than you, but I appreciate the “rock star” sentiment. It also put a funny picture in my head – down on bended knee saluting my pen and notepad irreverently in the air. “WRITE ON!!!” lol

  8. Oh ya, yer way better than me. I can relate things and I cen even tell entertaining stories, but I’m basically lazy, I don’t do rewrites and to be a good writer, a truly good one rewrites are a must. I just want to say it once and move on. I do this to let something out, if it entertains or makes people think that pleases me but I’ve no desire to write professionally.

    You on the other hand are a much better wordsmith.

    Kayden had the technical ability but lacked the soul.

    As a friend I would encourage you to find what helps you to cope that isn’t destructive. It can be done, I know you read “On Writing” … King did it.

    If it’s riding a bike, go to a flea market or yard sale and buy a cheap bike…I did, got a good mtn bike for 35 bucks, rode the hell out of it too but now I like the scoot better. Bike riding is fine for me on flat surfaces, like in Florida, but here its hilly and with very limited ankle movement its more effort than enjoyment so now I ride the scoot instead.

    It’s there, it’s probably been there all along, you just have to either discover it or rediscover it.

    I dont know about anyone else but for me IT is always going to involve being outdoors.

    For me sunshine by itself is a coping mechanism, so is a large body of salt water.

  9. Yeah. I think it is probably exercise. A bike would be nice. I liked the last apartment I lived in because it had nine tennis courts. No matter what, you could find at least one that wasn’t being used. Thank you, Mike. I’ll work on that.

    To: Angel
    From: My Friend Allen (he isn’t much into commenting, more of a letter writer)

    “social politics: how we are treated is in direct relation to how we behave. We have the power to respond regardless of how we are
    treated. It’s a very powerful idea if you can internalize it. Many times the correct answer is: “Power is not having to respond” other times (Chess tactics) you counter an attack with a more powerful attack. Sometimes you wait and plan the best move… whatever you do – you are in control of how you’re treated by setting a standard of respect created by your response… you have much more power than you know. Make the person who messed with you regret ever doing it again… this is what I tell my daughters. : )”

Leave a Reply