Greetings From The Undergirl!: What A Week…

Penny Flame…

I read about Penny Flame’s spot on Oprah. She is a rape victim, and they highlighted that on the show. I’m glad that more shows talk about things like rape and abuse. I can’t imagine living in a world where such things aren’t mentioned, but it was not so long ago in our history that it was a societal sin to have a baby out of wedlock. That’s just such a crazy thought to me! It’s so archaic. It seems archais to me, anyway. If you think about it, some great leaps have been made in a very short period of time. It’s interesting to see how communication brings people together and also breeds strange and radical behavior in people who are afraid of change. I wish Penny nothing but success in her battles with addiction. Maybe the next bit will help her and/or someone else….

I’ll lick my cat’s butt before I go to AA!!!

… but I am going to quit drinking. I drank a bottle of white wine last night, sucked down the last two  Coronas from the fridge and woke up still drunk. But today was different than any other day. I didn’t guilt myself into stopping when I know I won’t. That’s my cycle. Drink, wake up hungover and feel it – guilt, guilt guilt. Chuckle bitterly and angrily in my head and say things like, ‘So what! I like it. Fuck you, self!’ go to work, drive to the liquor store and drink, again. My friend, Chloe, once told me that she stopped using because Ernest Greene said the right thing one day. He worded it just so, and she understood it instantly and she quit. She was six years sober when she told me this. Now I know what she meant. That’s what happened to me in my head. I wasn’t think about it from the right angle before, but then I did and I know I can’t drink anymore. Guilt doesn’t work. Guilt has never done anything for me but drive me further into what it is I feel so guilty about. That’s what I was trying to tell the porn addict who commented on the Questions For Shelley Lubben About The Pink Cross post. I was suggesting that maybe he wasn’t thinking about it the right way. It was the simple realization that while I am a mature and decent human being in most respects (minus potty humor), I am an imbecile with no control when it comes to liquor. My father was an alcoholic and I’m too susceptible to turning into a freak when I drink it. I don’t know how to moderate it, I lose all control, and if I could drink responsibly, there would be no problem. In my head I said, ‘You are just going to have to face the fact that you are one of “those” annoying and typical people.’ I chuckled, but it wasn’t bitter or angry. I was relieved. Somewhere something in me said, ‘Finally! … stubborn cocksucker…’ Of course, this will probably be the last time I talk about it. I hate people who get on kicks and preach to everyone else that they should do the same thing, blah, blah, blah… Ugh! I like liquor, it just doesn’t like me.


The documentary is coming along. My team and I are waiting for a few minor puzzle pieces to fall into place so we can get it rolling. I can’t believe I just said, “My team.” What a dork… We will be paying the models. It’s a documentary, so our budget is not huge, but in this depressed economy it seems only right to pay these women for something, so we’ll pay them for a photo shoot. Nothing long and over-the-top, just a theme of the model’s choosing, a kind of ‘How Do You See Yourself’ shoot where she can choose what she wears and how she looks. I’ll divulge more information after the next production meeting. Until then, I will be shooting some footage of downtown Los Angeles on Sunday so I can superimpose my cat as a giant pussy towering over tall buildings. I ceratinly can’t keep taping me and other people in my car as I terrorize them with my driving!

What I learned…

I have learned through the process of watching my car break down that the brilliant vehicular engineers of the world get paid the big bucks, not so much to add more bells and whistles to your automobile, but to make sure it falls apart right after the warranty expires. It’s genius. It’s also sick and twisted, but it’s genius.

Posthumous meeting…

This is a sad one. I got to meet David Aaron Clark, after he passed away. Mike forwarded me an e-mail that David had sent to him, for me. He said that I went on for too long in my Damien Michaels post. He was absolutely right, too. Even in the post I say about halfway through, something like, “I know I’m getting long winded here…” I’ve never met anyone in this way before. It was friendly, is much appreciated and bittersweet – may he rest in peace.

Quote of the week…

“I wonder what crawled into my mouth to make me taste Julia Louise Dreyfus…?” – My gay friend, “DK” contemplating his dream the night before of giving Julia Louise Dreyfus head.    – You’re sickness is not only part of the reason I love you, it’s most of it. 😀

– Julie Meadows

30850cookie-checkGreetings From The Undergirl!: What A Week…

Greetings From The Undergirl!: What A Week…

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11 Responses

  1. Julie you are a pretty amazing writer, you have the perfect blend of strength and vulnerability and you express yourself very well.

    I used to drink a lot but I kinda gave it up because one day I just got tired of feeling bad the next morning and not remembering things I wished I could remember. I decided my life was charmed and it was a dmaned shame to go through it and not enjoy it fully.

    26 years since I have been even a little drunk now, Oh I can drink a beer or even raise a shot to toast someone but thats about my limit.

    For my uncle it was different, he drank a lot,I mean a lot then one night he saw someone he loved get DT’s and almost die, It changed his life, and hers, both have been sober over 10 years. AA helped them but everyone knows that without the will AA isn’t much help, he got the will….thats what it takes.

    I dont preach, he doesn’t either, we all know that it comes from within.

    I look forward to taking you and hubby offshore fishing next year, thats gonna be a fun one.

    Keep on doing what yer doing baby yer gonna go far.

  2. i suppose moderation is key in just about everything. But the main reason i can control my alcohol intake is the thought of how much it can damage my liver. at this point in life i like my liver more than myself.

  3. AA is a great thing but for it to work you must be willing to submit. Also people sometimes hold on to things like that extra tight because once that’s gone then you have to look at the rest of your wonderful life thru clear eyes. That can be tough.

  4. Thanks, Mike. You are always so full of compliments and it makes me feel good. Thank you.

    I know people who go to AA, and I really love the idea of support groups. There’s something comforting about knowing other people share your problems and struggles, but I know it wouldn’t help me. When I’ve made up my mind about something, I can’t look back. It would force me to look back by thinking about it and talking about it more than I care to. If I wanted to quit and felt I couldn’t, I’d find some non-religious support group out there. They have to exist. There’s a group for everything!

    HA!! I typed in “Atheists Alcoholics A…” and it finished it for me!! That is hysterical!! Ahhh… There is a God.

  5. Hi!
    I can really relate to what you say about drinking. Let me share my story.(uh oh I don’t mean this to sound like an AA meeting!!LOL)
    I used to drink quite heavily myself. For example, I used to polish off two bottles of red wine in a session plus a couple of whiskeys,, or, alternatively, a bottle of white wine, plus maybe a couple of gin and tonics and even some beers. I used to work in a bar back then, and when you’re surrounded by alcohol, of course you are gonna drink it if you are there socialising or whatever.
    It seemed that I was always hungover. All I got out of drinking that heavily was a stomach ulcer and stress.I never got addicted though.Thank God. I have seen what alcoholism does to people first hand. I work in a hotel with “functioning alcoholics” and not so functioning alcoholics. It is sad to see. And in our pressurised society so many people are falling into drinking too much. I don’t have an addictive personality and if I need to get out of reality I just read, listen to music, sleep or something else to make me forget.
    As I got older, I didnt enjoy drinking as much, didn’t like who I was when I was drunk, it made me depressed, and sad or angry.I don’t mind other people when they are drunk either, only if they get nasty though and would never judge them for their behaviour as I have done somes tupid things when I have been drunk myself.
    I just do not see the point in getting seriously drunk anymore. Especially not from my health’s point of view.I have (or had) too many demons in my head that would rear their ugly heads when I drank.
    The thing that made me stop completely was the hangovers. I really suffer.Actually make that suffered. Pounding (and I mean pounding headaches), sickness and anxiety plus depression.Something inside me (a voice, if you like) said one day “You don’t need to do this anymore.” (while I was puking my guts up one day) And that voice was right.
    The last hangover I had was on my birthday this past March. It wasnt the worst, but it was prety bad.Stayed in bed all day, cancelled things I had to do that day, and was very ill. It was enough to make me say “no more”.Why waste a good day being ill?
    Now, I never drink on my own, only when I go out and even then I limit myself to 2 beers at the most, sometimes I don’t even drink at all.I can have a good time without it. 🙂
    I have a friend who used to pressurise me quite a lot into drinking, and this annoyed me. She wasn’t the one who had to suffer the next day.
    It must be an Irish thing that we drink so heavily! There is an old saying…the Irish don’t like anything they can’t punch or drink!! LOL…not true of course! :)We have larger measures of alcohol here, (and in England) than in the USA which of course, adds to the rising problem of binge drinking and alcoholism.
    Seriously, though, once you decide to quit, or cut down, it gets easier. So, I guess you could call me prsctically tee total… and celibate!!!LOL (for the time being anyway). :)Jeez, talk about clean living!

  6. Ha! That does sound like clean living. 😀 Sounds like simple living, quite frankly, and I dig it!

    Yes, I have thought about the pressure to drink, but I am clever. I will probably find a way to order some virgin mixed drink or just say I can’t because ‘m too dehydrated or something. I sure as hell don’t want to say, “No. I can’t drink because I quit.” Talk about buzz kill! No thanks. I may be an annoying drunk, but I don’t want to be one of those people. Drinkers get annoyed by professed non-drinkers. 😀

    Congrats on clean living. Funny, but it reminds me of a time when smoking was what most people did, and non-smokers were annoying. Now that I live in Cali and don’t smoke, it’s the smokers who are the outcasts, though I still don’t mind smokers. Too much smoke is overwhelming because I’m not used to it anymore, but I try to get in deep breaths when I can. lol I quit because my husband doesn’t smoke, but that is my one true addiction. I loved it, black lungs and all. I won’t smoke again, but I was dedicated to that for fifteen years. My parents were smokers.

    Thanks for your story. I have done many tupid tings too.

  7. Lets see…I smoked for about seven years (20 a day) and quit when I was 24 or thereabouts. Over the years, of course, I have smoked the odd one, but never went back to smoking packets.
    Yes, it is funny sometimes when I say I dont really drink people look at me wide eyed and exclaim: “You dont drink…WHY??” I also don’t like peas but people never say “You dont like peas…WHY??” My guess is that I am doing something that is by soceity’s standards not considered normal. Alcohol pervades our culture and our social lives revolve around it (for the most part) so I guess anyone seemed to be doing something other than the so called “norm” is classed as being “weird” and maybe even outcast.
    I can’t bear cigarette smoke these days, it makes me cough,but now where I live there is a total ban on smoking in restaurants, bars, enclosed public places that sort of thing.

  8. I think you’re right. I have always been that way with people, myself. Like the Adam Any song, “Don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do?” And if someone doesn’t do something lewd I usually think they’re a serial killer or something. 😀 I mean, everybody does something that’s not necessarily good for them. I think it’s healthy, really. Sounds weird, but I think cursing and doing subversive things – that don’t hurt anyone else, of course – keeps us connected with our humanity. Is that weird?

  9. No. I don’t think it’s weird, I believe we all have our little quirks and vices. Mine are chocolate, music and reading…normal ones, but quirks all the same.
    I like dancing too….:)

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