Anger Issues – Week One

Women in the sex industry have to wear a lot of armor it seems. We have to protect ourselves, somehow, in our physically unprotected environments. There is a world of people that want to penetrate the sex worker in intimate ways without almost any actual intimacy. It creates an internal hardness that is, from what I can tell, unavoidable. The extremes, right? A nun may consider herself all-giving and emotionally vulnerable to anyone in need, but we must keep something for ourselves. We have to. She keeps her body for herslef. I have kept my love, my sweetness and, consequently, it has left me swinging exhaustively at everything around me, without discrimination.

I can’t imagine what it must be like for a soldier who goes to war – trained to be mechanical, to be screamed at and not feel, to be given orders and fulfill them, whatever it takes. The point is to not be penetrated, but to be the one who penetrates – to end a life, or worse, to torture it into submission. They wear armor and dodge all manner of weapons, and when it’s all over, they re-enter a world of home life and complicated fights that require delicate maneuvering, soothing and sympathy. Back to a world where you are rewarded for sharing your feelings, not for pushing them down.

Being a sex worker, thankfully, is not that extreme, but it has been similar for me, on the feeling level. I look inside myself and find solid layers where I have bit down hard on experiences and crystalized an anger that has helped me avoid dealing with any real pain in my life, for the purpose of moving ahead. Survival is the goal, but for what? This experience of anger and indifference has helped me deflect any potential harm to my soft underbelly. But back in the world of of home life and complicated fights that require delicate maneuvering and sympathy – this world where I am rewarded for sharing my feelings, my armor has crippled me. “Potential harm” has become everything, where there may be no harm intended at all, and often, it is not. I am constantly faced with the threat of losing everything that has become important to me, of breaking the precious and delicate things, if I don’t shed my armor. I allowed myself to be trained and programmed, screaming and swinging, but potential harms are now potential happinesses, and I threaten to sabotage any potential happiness just to get back what is familiar so I don’t have to feel anything… at all.

As I dig my fingers into the cracks of my own self-made mask, I find the nerves just as exposed as I left them – one year ago, five years ago, ten years ago… twenty years ago. And I find now that real weakness is the inability to love and be loved. All this feeling may leave me exposed and crying, at times, but it has also released a carefree laughter, corrected my perceptive vision and fills me with intense compassion, especially for self-protected people – male and female, prostitute, non-prostitute, hell… non-porn. It also makes me grateful to be able to feel… anything… at all.

Then again, maybe I’m just a cold Aquarian still learning how to be human. I have met a lot of Aquarian females in the sex industries and I find there is a tendency to be overly efficient at emotional compartmentalization. Makes me think there are probably just as many Aquarian hitmen and women. Mmm…. guns…. Oops! Did I say that??

(Oh! I conducted my first interview this past Sunday with the lively and adorable Bobbi Starr!  It will be ready by next week!! Very cool…eh?)

– Julie Meadows

28640cookie-checkAnger Issues – Week One

Anger Issues – Week One

Share This

15 Responses

  1. Good blog. I particularily liked the comparison of being a soldier who is constantly trained to work like a machine then has to re-enter a “normal” world again after years of service. No wonder some get post trauma stress disorder.

    I like Astrology, so here is a little about Aquarians…

    Aquarians are very cerebral and intelligent with great logic, yet can be emotionally aloof/immature as human emotions never go down the logical path and Aquarians can find them difficult to fathom. 🙂 They have many friends yet this could be to avoid any real intimacy with individuals. They are also the most married of the Zodiac and are humanitarian and social. They are constantly thinking about things on a big scale…and their tempers are known to be explosive! :)They like showing their knowledge, yet do not like to be taught or told what to do. A good match for Aquarians are Librans or Geminis. Both these are Air Signs and thinkers as well as peaceful. Although Aquarians are also compatible with most others aside from Aries.Aquarians like people who make them laugh as well.

  2. Yep… that’s me! I love Astrology, but only because it’s the only thing I have ever found that describes me, to me. I’ve met a lot of people that don’t feel it describes them at all.
    And my husband is a Libra! 🙂 We get these brainiac schemes going, remove ourselves to our respective sides of the domocile, and are lost for hours on end.
    Thank you, Angel! Are you an Aquarian? Hmm… Or Libra or Gemini. I’m curious because of the celibacy thing. Emotional compartmentalization… 😀

  3. I forgot to mention Aquarians have a strong identity, standing out in a crowd is important to them…they like getting attention and enjoy quirky people.
    I mean no disrespect when I say this, but did you know psychologists believe people both men and women who grow their hair really long,(as I have seen in your pictures) are apparantly subconsciously looking for attention from others…super long hair is considered very unique and almost “fetish like” (according to them) and will gain a lot of attention from other people which Aquarians enjoy. 😉

    ———————————————–I, myself am a Pisces…:)

  4. Thank you, Steve. I’m glad you like it. 🙂

    Angel, it’s funny that you say that because my mother always kept my hair long – even though I’m tender-headed. I cut it all off when I was around eleven, but everyone thought I was a boy. Also, I have a very round face and short hair just doesn’t work. But it is very fetishy… except that I’m tender-headed!! What a switch, huh? Hairdressers hate me. 😀
    So, you’re an old soul… That would also explain the leaning toward religion. Very cool.

  5. Yes, Pisces are very psychic, spiritual, and sensitive…the only sign that can challenge an Aquarians thinking…what Aquarians find interesting is that we are also the most outlandish and free spirited. Aquarians are the most independent, and this compliments Pisceasn nature well as we don’t take up much time so Aquarians dont feel hemmed in.. We are always lost in out own thoughts. Lets see, we are also unselfish, compassionate,with a tendency to be woolly minded and spaced out at tiems,unforgiving in love, even tempered (unless badly hurt then rage sets in…the symbol of Pisces is two fish swimming in opposite directions…we are either the goldfish or the shark..extremes), and have endlesss reservoirs of creativity.
    We can be inspirational and sexy and very emotionally intelligent. A Piscean can sum up anyone within minutes of meeting them. We are shy and will tend to like being in the background. We don’t like criticism.
    For all our free spirited nature though, we long to feel belonging to someone, but not controlled.

    Perhaps the reason why I bacamee celibate was since I am so sensitive that the thought of being rejected and hurt terrifes me.
    Aquarians and Pisceans make good friends (I have a couple..both with the same birthdays!) but Pisceans prefer close companionship firendshipwise rather than a whole group of people.

    The longest my hair has ever been was almost to my waist. I am growing it again though, although it’s gonna take awhile. People told me I suited it but then I would go to hte hairdressers and get it cut. 🙂

  6. Some of my best friendships have been with Pisces females. I had one friend in particular, in my teens, and she had a very calming effect on me. Yes, very spiritual.
    It’s true about not getting along with Aries, too. I have lots of Astrology books but never read that in any of them, though I do have male Aries friends, female Aries aren’t typically good for me. I find them to be suspicious and expecting.
    I have a childhood friend whose mother is Aquarian, and she can name a person’s sign within just a few sentences into a conversation. I wrote about Astrology on my blog because so many people are freaked out by it, but like anything, it can either be a useful tool, or not. It doesn’t define us absolutely, but it can, at least, point us in the direction of things we can work on about ourselves, and even help to facilitate understanding towards others. I think it’s super cool! In fact, I recommend anything Linda Goodman has ever written, and in Chinese Astrology, Suzanne White is a master at combining Eastern and Western Astrology for a comprehensive outline of a person’s traits based on month sign and year sign. She is awesome. The Aquarian/Tiger desription is absolutely me.

  7. Yes, Arians have a habit of rubbing people up the wrong way…LOL
    Thanks for the Astrology recommendations.
    ———————————————–I particularily liked your blog “Ugly Beautiful” on your website. It must have been hard to do that job though…I don’t know if I would have the mental (or physical )stamina for it. Or exotic dancing. Hard work, long hours etc.

    There are a lot of pre conceived notions about women in the sex industry. Most of them are good people though….but, sometimes people just assume the worst.
    Women in particular, can be very judgemental about things as mentioned in your blog “Slut Shaming”. We see that king of attitude everywhere. SIGH.
    I have a question for you though….What was the worst thing you experienced while working as a dancer? I have known only one person who did that job, but they left it only after a few weeks.
    Someone once asked me if I would consider doing it, but I told them no. Too conservative I guess.

  8. Hmmm…. worst… Well, I’ll give you a few things, from different angles.

    Physical worst: 1995, I was dancing at a topless bar and while my body was angled backwards, my legs towards a man in front of me, he reached up and physically pulled my G-string aside. That was embarassing. I left a print of my heel in his chest and then he was kicked out of the club.

    Financial worst: 2002, I feature danced at a club in Sacremento(?), and the person helping me stole $600.00 from my bag. I always kept very thorough documentation about what money I made and when, and the guy helping me was one of those weasely types, so I knew what happened when I couldn’t find the money. I called the club, he answered, of course, and he wouldn’t let me speak to the manager. It’s funny now, but he said, “Oh… you probably dropped it when you were leaving.” I said, “Well, that’s possible, but I would like to speak to the manager, anyway.” He stalled, but I stayed calm and patient. The manager got on the phone and said the same thing he had – that I probably lost it on my way out – and I said, “Well, bottom line is, it’s not here, so maybe I lost it, though I have never lost money while working. Ever. Do me a favor, will ya? Keep an eye on that guy. It’s also possible the money was stolen from me. It’s certainly not impossible.” I bid him farewell and left it at that. About a year later, I got a check for $600.oo in the mail, from the club. It pays to keep your head, literally!

    Honestly, I have never had really bad experiences in clubs. I did get into a horrible fight with a club owner once, but he was bullying me. I can’t remember what it was about – something stupid – but I let my agent settle it. Other than those few incidences, in eight years of working in topless and nude bars, nothing really bad ever happened. No! I take that back… Bad knees. Bad knees happened. 😛

  9. Thanks for the response! People sometimes say I would make a good interviewer as I like to ask questions…:)
    Being a Pisces, people often feel I make a good listener or they can talk to me. Maybe I should think about becoming a Psychologist! :))
    Pisceans make good problem solvers too.

    On another topic..I have a friend, Alison, (a Sagittarius I believe…as you can guess I love Astrology) LOL, who’s crazy about a musician guy who plays in a local semi famous band…I am sure being in entertainment you have known musicians/guys in bands. Would you consider this a good move on her part? I have told her to watch out but she seems to really like him? God, I have just re read this question…how cliched does it sound? lol

    She has already got some competition when it comes to his admirers and he does like the women, what would you recommend? If you ever dated a musician was it dodgy territory or should I advise her to go for it?



  10. Oh… hmm… Well, it’s hard to say without knowing someone, but musicians are typically, moody and egoistic, but that is a broad judgment that isn’t fair if he is actually a nice guy. I can never really warn anyone against following their heart. If you can’t follow that, what else is there? If she likes him, she should see where it leads, but she definitely should not expect anything eternal to come from it. Of course, I would say that to anyone persuing anyone, regardless of their occupation. The moment we start expecting anything more than what we can enjoy moment-to-moment with another person, we doom ourselves to disappoinment. Expecting is usually a sure-fire way to end bliss.

  11. Yes, in the past I have expected too much from people and have always been let down. I guess people will always let you down in one way or another…human nature I suppose.
    I told my friend not to expect too much though…and I am not getting involved. :)My priorities at the moment are getting myself together, after what has happened to me, and sorting my own life out (which is no easy task 🙂
    I have learnt a lot of things in my past, and when I look around I see people repeating the same old patterns, especially in the romance game,…but I have learnt from my mistakes. Others seem to never learn. Do you find that to be true?

    ———————————————–Right now, speaking for myself, I am happy on my own, concentrating on my work. A relationship is like another job anyway. Although sometimes I think it would be nice.:)

  12. I do find fin that to be true. I have been through similar situations where people let me down, but I find that the only thing to expect is being let down, but not to let it keep me from getting close to people. You can’t guard your heart too closely or you don’t get the fun wear and tear from it. It’s like having something you never take out of the box. You know it’s there. You know it’s special. But, you’re the only one who knows it.

    Good for you, getting your life together. Please yourself! Pleasing myself is my favorite pasttime, and I’m not being dirty. 😀

    Glad you liked it, Kayden.

Leave a Reply