Inappropriate Sex Locations

Some people just have no boundaries when it comes to sex — including property location boundaries, evidently. Calico from Erotic Scribes looks at several recent incidents in which couples were either arrested or accused of having sex when and where they shouldn’t, along with the results of a survey which suggests there’s a whole lot of hanky panky going on at music festivals, some of it in a location which makes Calico’s skin crawl like few other revelations have.

An old ex-boyfriend of mine once told me that in his opinion, there was “no such thing as a bad time or bad place to have sex.” To be clear, I don’t think he really meant it – it was just something he thought was cool, or impressive to say. The fact he thought I’d agree, however, only showed how little he understood the nerdly contrarian with whom he was speaking.

“Really?” I said, raising my eyebrows. “So, in the middle of a lecture being delivered in the Modern Languages auditorium strikes you as good time and place to screw? How about while you’re in handcuffs in the back of a cop car – also good?”

OK, so I was being a picky little shit, but you see my point: There absolutely is such a thing as a bad time and bad location to have sex – something which people around the world prove daily, and which is increasingly likely to be documented in this wondrous Information Age in which we live.

Take Me To In Church

When I think of a romantic location for lovemaking, one which generally doesn’t come to mind is the Jersey Shore – yes, even if the precise spot is beneath a statue of the Virgin Mary.

Anthony Getchius and Noelle Smart are accused of lewdness after Seaside Heights police say a priest found them having sex on the grounds of Our Lady of Perpetual Help Roman Catholic church.
Anthony Getchius and Noelle Smart are accused of lewdness after Seaside Heights police say a priest found them having sex on the grounds of Our Lady of Perpetual Help Roman Catholic church.

To be fair to Anthony Getchius and his partner, the perhaps ironically-named Noelle Smart, maybe they misinterpreted the name of the venue they’d chosen for their amorous encounter.

“Authorities say the pair were found around 12:30 p.m. Tuesday in ‘a sacred area’ on the grounds of Our Lady of Perpetual Help,” reports

Hypothetically, if you were having trouble achieving an orgasm, might you not think there would be some assistance available at a spot called “Our Lady of Perpetual Help”? I mean, the name doesn’t imply any sort of limits on the nature or character of the help available, so to me it’s not entirely unreasonable to think having sex there might help one get off.

Then again, I might think twice about heading down to Our Lady of Perpetual Help, given another tidbit of info about its location included in the article.

“They were in a secluded garden located between the rectory and the church, which is next door to police headquarters.”

Hmm. Is there another lady offering perpetual help in the Jersey Shore area – ideally one not located next door to police headquarters.

What Would I Like On My Tombstone? NOT Some Random Horny Couple

I’ll admit, when I was a teenager and part of a clique which these days would inevitably be labeled “Goth kids,” I took part in a couple graveyard picnics. It wasn’t a disrespect thing; it was a faux-creepiness thing. All the other kids said we looked like a bunch of ghouls, so why not act the part?

Something I never did in those graveyards, and never would do in one, was have sex with anyone. I’m guessing right about now, folks at the Sephardic Jewish Cemetery in North Seattle wish some of the visitors there would exhibit the same sense of restraint.

“On Tuesday, one of the workers said he saw a couple having sex on a tombstone and now board members claim they’ve had enough of people trespassing and trashing their cemetery,” reports KOMO News.

The word “claim” is an interesting choice there, I think. Is KOMO suggesting the members of the cemetery board members haven’t really had enough of people trespassing and trashing their cemetery, or that they secretly want people to come knock boots among the tombstones?

At any rate, in this instance, the police declined to arrest the alleged fornicators, despite a groundskeeper allegedly capturing a picture of them in the act.

“Both the woman and the man denied any sexual contact,” said Seattle Police Sgt. Sean Whicomb. “The man said he was there visiting a family member who was laid to rest in the cemetery.”

You know, considering the nature of the allegation here, I’m not sure it improves things for the man to say he was “visiting a family member” at the time.

Call It, Perhaps, ‘Lollapalubeya’

While it doesn’t involve a specific alleged sexual encounter (let alone one which took place next door to a police station), the last sex-in-inappropriate-places story I’ll look at involves a survey in which 33.6% of respondents claimed they’ve had sex at a music festival.

That’s fine and all, but in the results of the same survey I spotted something which is assuredly NOT fine: 9.4% of respondents indicated they’ve had sex in a port-a-potty.

On the other hand, I suppose cops are a lot less likely to catch you in the act when you’re ensconced inside a metal toilet-shack than when you’re banging outside a church next door to their headquarters…



474080cookie-checkInappropriate Sex Locations

Inappropriate Sex Locations

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