Why I Hate Writing

So I’m working online a few days ago, busily downloading pirated Digital Playground videos, and I get this instant message from (AVN Award-winning, gun-toting, Libertarian, Georgia pornographer).

South: Yo

Me: ???

South: When r ya gonna write something for my site?

Me: What language is that in? Is that what passes for English in Atlanta?

South: Stop being a smartass and write something for me

Me: You don’t need me, dude. You have Kayden writing for you…she’s hot. You have Dan and Steve and Goddess, all solid. You even have that bugfuck guy from Powder Springs who writes about taking his mom to art museums and shit. After reading that sort of thing, no one wants to hear from me, trust me.

South: Stop making excuses. Write something or I’m taking down your free link.

That rat bastard.

So here I am, as usual with nothing much to say, naked before you and sitting on the couch with my metaphorical bag of Cheetos strategically placed between my legs. Allow me to throw a couple of ideas at you…items which have been occupying my mind and my time lately. Comment or not as you see fit by clicking on the link below.

1. Mike South is constantly saying that porn personalities Batman and Monstar are famous for doing nothing. I submit to you my opinion that Mike South is wrong, that Batman and Monstar are actually completely unknown, while still doing nothing.

2. Wankus, I believe, is the person for whom the term “porn personality” was originally invented. He should own it, trademark it, and only allow others to use it if they pay him substantial royalties and licensing fees. The only other people who should be allowed to use it are Beater and Dr. X.

3. Beater. Email me. I want to invite you to our wedding and I need your address.

4. Former adult film actress Felicia Fox and I are getting married September 14th of this year. Yes, that is on a Sunday. Yes, it will be a pagan ceremony complete with a handfasting. Yes, there will be an open bar at the reception. Yes, Felicia swore off big cocks for life when she agreed to marry me. Mike South will be my best man, which is interesting considering the contents of scene one of the video “Mike South’s Confederate Cuties #4”, in which you can see the bride, the groom, and the best man cavorting their way through a BBG scene.

6. I would like to nominate Stormy Daniels as the number one female performer in XXX today. She is the complete package. We love her, and you should, too.

7. Thai 9 serves the best sushi in Dayton, Ohio. If you’re ever here, check it out.

8. If you’re ever managing a strip club, and the idea crosses your mind to have a live band onstage playing music for the dancers to strip to…well, think twice. That’s all I have to say.