I quit my job today. I can’t say anything else about it, either. I quit and now… what?
The goal in my life is to find things, figure other things out. Write about old and dead relationships and dance with ghosts. I wrote a post the other day on my own blog that I didn’t publish. I called it, “The Gift”. I could post it here, but I’d rather sum it up by saying that gifts are just gifts and just because someone gives you a fruit cake doesn’t mean you’re going to like it, but it’s still a gift. We tend to give certain words a certain connotation, but if we are truly undiluted by judgment, we know that just because something is described as a “gift” doesn’t mean it is wonderful. It could be a fruit cake, and if you don’t like fruit cake, you’re fucked.
I don’t like being angry. I don’t like feeling anger as my initial reaction to every goddamned thing that happens, whether it hurts me or makes me sad or makes me feel good, but it is my “gift”, and it was given to me by people who had it to pass on and I’m damn good at it. I’m good at yelling and being angry and losing my cool for no good reason. So, why do I keep fighting this thing I have judged as “bad”? Because life and other people tell me it’s “bad”. Is it really “bad”? No. It’s an emotion, and it can be useful if one knows how to use it. Do I get rid of it when I try to push it down and sit on it with my big fat rationale? No. In fact, it makes it more prominent because I’m tying too hard to suppress that which is prominent, when it’s just not possible, now or ever. Ever meet someone who never gets angry? They’re very angry.
So, I have accepted it and embraced it and lo and behold… I’m not quite so angry anymore. I mean, I am angry, but it’s not this overwhelming thing that takes over. I don’t feel controlled by it. Yet, I know that if I need it, it’s there. Like a good friend, it has my back.
What does quitting my job have to do with embracing my anger? Overcoming fear? What will I do now? I don’t know. I’ll chase something. Aside fom just needing to constantly discover and rediscover myself, I’m ready for a phase that will pull me closer to my heart, cause me to reach higher towards more crystallized ideals, and hopefully, find my feet planted a little more firmly on the ground. Change is good, fear is not, and my fear has crippled me. Fear of my anger, fear of relaxing and letting go, fear of being who I am, which is basically, a fruit cake.
Next week’s post: my resumé.
10 Responses
[New Post] What Now? – via @twitoaster http://www.mikesouth.com/uncategorized/w…
If your resume is anything like my resume you’re fucked harder than that fruit cake just fucked you (:
LMAO!! Ha ha!!! Oh yes… fucked by the fucked is right. 😀
Julie, the romantic optimist in me tells me that I see great things for you, you are an incredibly talented writer, pair you with the right editor and I think something is there, you have the ability to communicate telepathically, which is exactly what writing is (Steven King knows it) and you can make you thoughts become my thoughts, when you write I can see and feel what you see and feel.
I would personally point you in that direction for one.
You are a smart person, you have interesting insight and inner passion never lose it.
Emotion is good, is a great motivator. The best really.
If I can help in any way you know I’m in
Some of us like fruit cake. 🙂
Thank you, Mike. Yes, writing… I keep thinking about how I can make a living doing what I love. Even if it’s not enough to pay my bills and I still have to get a part-time job, how to make it happen. It’s so not a chore for me to write. Mmmm…. That is a delicious dream. 🙂
You know, Toby… fruit cake is growing on me. Wait, that didn’t sound right. 😀
Julie. A gal with your insight, intellect, and drive will surely find your niche in life, and find a way to make it profitable. I wish you the best of luck. And if there’s anything at all that we can assist you with, just let us know (not an idle statement, very sincere). And by all means, please keep the posts coming. They are such a pleasure to read.
Happy Hunting!!!
You quit your job? Hell, girl, you got guts. I hope you continue with your writing. You are very talented in that area. And in the words of John Lydon from the Sex Pistols “Anger is an energy”.
Angel. x.
I will definitely let you know if I need anything, Hunter, and I promise to keep the posts coming. Hopefully I’ll get the first documentary interview posted on Mike’s site his week. Dealing with AVCHD files and fixing AE glitches and figuring out how to create video players, etc… have kept me stumbling towards nirvana, but I’m on my way.
I also promise to try and keep my energy up as much as possible. Angel, I owe you a funny, sardonic and biting post on whether or not men and women can be friends. 😀 It’s a big topic, but a good question! Especially since I know where you’re coming from.