This Summers Gonna Hurt Like A Mother Fucker

We all experience those pivotal events in our lives when we get bad news.Time seems to stand still and things seem to move in slow motion. The sights, sounds and smells are seared into our brains forever. Years from now we might hear a song that was playing at that moment or recall a fragrance we smelled and we’re right back in that horrible moment…

So there I was sitting on the couch in my underwear eating raw chocolate chip cookie dough while watching Xander trying to bake Eric and Nicole alive in a heating duct on Days of Our Lives, when I realized there was some kind of Confederate flag flap going on in the country. Being a Northerner, or as Mike’s mom calls me a “Yankee,” I completely ignored it. If it ain’t happening in my backyard, I don’t give a shit. And if it is happening in my backyard, someones going to experience the joys of my .22. But I kept hearing and hearing about this flag brouhaha and I figured if anybody was going to jaw about it, it was going to be South. Come on, this topic is tailor made for him. Confederate? South? Brouhaha? It’s got Mike’s name written all over it.

I zipped over to his page so he could tell me how I feel about this situation and BAM! I’m hit with the news that my former stalkee has had an accident on his bike. (Don’t judge, people. How many of us have fallen off of our bikes after we forgot to put the kickstand down? Sure, most of us were five or six at the time, but still.) Of course, my immediate thought was, “OMG! I told him not to take those damn training wheels off! But did the dumbass listen? NO.”

Upon hearing news of South’s accident my life was changed forever. (Not really, I continued watching Nicole and Eric sucking face in the heating duct, but it sounds so much more dramatic, so let’s go with it.) I knew I had to rally the forces and do something to make South feel better so I set up a GoFundMe page to raise enough money to buy him a new bike. I can picture it all in my head, South will come home from the hospital and it’ll be on his front stoop all shiny and pretty with a big ole bow on it. He’ll shed a few tears, talk about how wonderful his readers are and it’ll give him fodder for a new post.

This is the bike I’ve picked out. That’s right, only the best for Mike.

I insisted they put the basket on the front so Mike can carry his fried chicken and sweet tea with him when he’s out for a ride. Now I’ve tallied the expenses for this effort–my two thousand dollar monthly mortgage payment for this dump so I have a place to live while I take charge of South’s GoFundMe account, money for my new laptop so I can monitor the money coming into South’s GoFundMe account, braces for Female Offspring #8 so I don’t have to listen to her incessant lisping while I monitor South’s GoFundMe account, toss in a little spending money for South—and it came to $4825.00. Oh, and let’s not forget South’s brand spanking new bike, so add another $29.99 to that figure for the total. South is counting on YOU, his faithful readers, to open your wallets and finance my future…and that dumb bike of his.

Now every time I hear “these are the Days of Our Lives,” I’m going to think about how delicious raw chocolate chip cookie dough is. And don’t talk to me about salmonella. Guys worry about that bullshit. I’ve never seen “she died from ingesting raw cookie dough” on a woman’s tombstone yet. Oh, we may get violently ill and vomit for hours, but we don’t die! Oh, yeah, and I’ll think about South’s bike accident, too. Whatever.

All kidding aside, GET WELL SOON, MIKE, WE LOVE YA!!!