The Story I Never Told, till Now

It all started many years ago. I met a girl that worked as a door girl in a strip club in Dallas texas, Dirty Bob actually set it up.  I never shot her but we became friends and the friendship lasted.  She would eventually enter the biz as Tawni Lyons.

She didn’t stay in very long and she got out and returned to a more normal life.

About five years ago I got a call from her and she said she was taking a new job with  a well known hotel chain.  She was going to be a semi big wig and part of her benefits package included health insurance for her and her spouse.  She said she was going to tell them I was her spouse because she felt like I needed health insurance.  I didn’t see a real downside because I was going to be paying for it, it just got me in a good group policy for an affordable price…1/8th what the same insurance would have cost me, I had already looked into it.

About a month later she called me back, and said that the insurance company wanted a copy of our marriage certificate.  I figured oh well it was a good try. She had tried the oh well we never made it formal and all but that didn’t wash they said we had thirty days to get married legally. I said thanks anyway.

She said, not so fast. She said why dont we get married, we live a thousand miles apart, we  have been friends forever and I know you aren’t going to screw me over or anything, it would be legal but really just on paper. I checked with my attorney and my CPA and both said that if I followed some simple rules it would be a really good thing to do.  The rules were no joint property, no joint accounts, she didn’t take my last name and we both had a will that left each other a token amount. We agreed and we agreed that if either of us ever wanted a divorce for any reason it wouldn’t be contested.

I flew her to Atlanta and we went to the courthouse, marriage licenses and concealed carry permits were in the same place so I got one of each.  One stop shopping  I guess.  We then went upstairs and waited for a judge to marry us.

After about fifteen minutes this little auburn haired hispanic lady came out, she reminded me of Judge Marilyn, she was actually kind of cute, Tawny agreed too.  The judge took us into this tiny room and asked if we had anything special we wanted said.  I said to leave out any references to God and to leave out the part about forsaking all others.

The judge looks at me and says “so is this for military benefits or insurance?”  I said that would be the later, she smiled and said “I get a couple of these a week.”  She said she had the perfect ceremony and she looks at me and says Do you Michael Take Tawny to be your lawfully wedded wife.  Tawny said that I did and the judge asks Do You Tawny Take Michael to be your lawfully wedded husband?  I said she did and the judge pronounced us man and wife.

I took Tawny to the airport where she flew home with a copy of the marriage certificate.

Every month I paid my premium to Tawni and I did the stuff ya do when ya get new insurance, got my eyes checked my teeth cleaned and all that.  After about a year I decided I hadn’t been to a doctor in a long time save for a few bouts with the flu, so a physical was probably in order.  This was in mid December.

I got the physical and and the doctor said how long have you had that limp?  I said not long, that I figured it was just old age, that I felt fine.  Indeed all my tests were good but he decided to do a few tests on my ankle and he hit my knee with the reflex hammer and on the left leg it jumped but on the right leg it didn’t….nothing.

He didn’t like that.

The next week I went to an orthopedic specialist who did the same thing and said ya something isn’t right.  He decided to do a Convective Nerve test on me.  Now let me tell you, if you have never had one of these imagine getting your leg hooked up with about a dozen wires, the wires at the top send electrical signals and the ones around my knee and ankles measure the response and how strong it was.  Problem is they use high voltages, it feels like you are being tasered. After two hours of these tests I was ready to whip this doctors ass.  He informed me that he was pretty sure, based on the results of the test, that I had a condition called Charcot_Marie Tooth disease. Its a degenerative nerve disease, blah blah.

I came home and went straight to the internet, his diagnosis sounded right, except for one thing, CMT is hereditary, and all four of my grandparents lived well into their nineties CMT would have left them in a wheelchair by then, but just to be sure I called my mother and my dad.  Nope, nobody ever had it that they knew of.

On the follow up a few days later I told the Orthopedist that I didn’t think the diagnosis was right and why.  He decided that an MRI of my lower back would basically rule out anything else, so the MRI was set for after the first of the year.

On the day of the MRI, as I was leaving the hospital where it was done I got a call, from the orthopedist, he said you need to go back, hell I hadnt been gone fifteen minutes.  I went back and they did another MRI, this time on my middle back.  he called again and said to meet him in his office at 830AM when he opens.

At 830 AM I went into his office where he had some pictures on a light board, they looked a little like Xrays but way more clear and detailed, he said that they had seen something at the top of one of my pictures of my lower back and thats why they got me back in for my middle back., then he pointed out a white mass and said that is your problem, no doubt about it.

I said OK what’s that?  he said THAT is WAY beyond my ability to do anything with, you need a neurosurgeon.  The emphasis on “that” and “way” combined with the word “neurosurgeon” alarmed me.  It was tripled when he said that I was to leave his office and go directly there, he had set up an appointment with the best one in Atlanta for me.

Now I’m not really as dumb as some folks think I am, I KNEW that this was serious, Neurosurgeons don’t see you that fast unless it’s serious.

The neurosurgeon told me he was surprised that I walked in, asked me if I had any trouble controlling my bladder, I said no, he asked if I had any problems with erections, I said yes I have a hard time keeping it down.  He was a German guy and this was a source of great amusement to him.

He told me I was one lucky fellow, that I had a large tumor growing from my spinal cord. That it was between the T-12 and L-1 vertabrae and was inside the T-12 and was compressing my spinal cord against my backbone.  He said I should have been paralyzed from  the waist down, and that I would be soon.  He said that it had to be surgically removed and it had to be done as quickly as possible.  He said he needed to have equipment brought in to monitor my central nervous system during the surgery and that it would take two weeks to get there, so I was to check into the hospital in two weeks.

He explained the surgery and he said honestly that it was risky. He said that he doubted he could get all of it without leaving me paralyzed from the waist down, but he could get most of it, certainly enough to relieve the pressure on the spinal cord. He said it would be the most difficult surgery he was likely to do all year. But that it had to be done, no ifs ands or buts, and it couldn’t wait. He added that normally back surgery is done through the front part of your abdomen but that wouldn’t be possible for this and that doing surgery on a patient that way is extra risky because they cant exactly flip you over on your back and defib you if anything goes wrong, so I should follow a strict diet for the next two weeks, I couldn’t take aspirin or eat certain foods and I couldn’t take any meds, smoke, or drink.

Now two weeks is a long time to be thinking about this, so I decided I needed a distraction and I left for Dayton that day.  Two weeks of banging peelers and being around friends, good friends, was what I needed to keep me from thinking about it too much.

I came back and checked into the hospital the next day at 4 am for my surgery. I could write about that experience…and I have before but  it isn’t pleasant except that my neurosurgeons (I had two) did a fantastic job and got 99% of the tumor, and even though it took 8 days before I could walk and I  was starting to wonder, I did walk again and the rest is all good.

So did Tawny save my life really?  In a word, yes.  You see as I was in the hospital preparing for the surgery my little brother was with me, I explained to him that if anything went wrong and I was going to be unable to walk, to tend to myself and all that he was to leave a specific gun within reach and I would take care of the rest.  I told him I didn’t want anyone wiping my ass, that was not how I wanted to be remembered and to honor my wishes to check out on my own.  I wasn’t being a coward I was being honest to myself and I wanted to have that option if it came to that. It is, after all, MY life. He agreed that he would want the same thing and he promised, the kind of promise men keep because it is bound by honor.

If not for that unselfish act on the part of Tawny I would likely never have gone to the doctor for that physical, and never found what would have devastated my life in a matter of months.  I owe her a debt I will never be able to repay and she would never ask me to, because that’s what friends do. So I have made it a point to be the kind of friend to my friends that she is to me.  She has a big karma surplus on the side of good I think.  I hope she wins the lottery or something.