the front seat’s broken and the axle’s draggin

I talked to Mike yesterday and all things considered, I think he sounds good. He did tell me he doesn’t remember the accident and I was all, “whoa, you DO remember agreeing to co-sign a new car loan for me, though, right?” He also said he was in a lot of pain. Being the compassionate person that I am, I told him he should take a couple more pain pills while I was talking to him and then we could address the whole car loan issue again in about a half hour.

South seemed a little upset about not remembering what happened, but I think not remembering the accident is pretty normal. Probably the body’s way of dealing with the trauma and maybe in time Mike will remember what happened. “…and it was at that exact moment that I swerved to avoid a stripper who had wandered out onto the highway!” But, being the Google queen that I am I could not rest until I found out why this memory loss occurs, and I found this article on memory and trauma, which seems to make a lot of sense when you think about it. And it’s on the internet so it has to be true, right?

I also talked to Mike’s mom yesterday—she’s THE BEST!!!–and she said Mike told her he is making himself get up and move around, which is great because there’s an elevated risk of blood clots after surgery so moving is super important.

After I hung up, I thought, “Crap. I forgot to ask South about the Confederate flag flap.” Get yourself some Dragon Naturally Speaking software from Amazon, South, and start dictating those columns. Only costs about $100—oh, should I add that to the GoFundMe total? In that case, only costs about $600.

But seriously, writing will keep your mind off your pain. After my surgery, I kept a journal and I wrote in it every day. Sure, the majority of the entries were “why do I feel like someone is trying to shove their fist up my butt?” but it allowed me to focus on something other than the pain. This is actually an important time for you. Your body is forcing you to slow down and be in the moment. It allows for personal introspection that might normally go unnoticed.  I realized, for instance, that I had a lot of regrets about the things I’ve never done in life. And the minute I got better, I went right back to not doing them.

Now here are some column ideas for you in case the pain meds are scrambling your brain: why fluoride in our water is fucking bullshit, why mandatory vaccines are fucking bullshit and just HOTT Channing Tatum is in that new Magic Mike video. That last one isn’t a column idea, it’s what I’m masturbating to while I’m dictating this column. The true definition of multitasking.

As for the Confederate flag controversy, I want you to know that I am against them taking down the flag. Unless I’m for it. In which case, I’m definitely undecided.

South reiterated to me what he wrote here yesterday that all your emails and well wishes made him feel really good so keep ’em coming! Not many people know this, but Mike really likes…..kittens. So here’s a picture of a kitten who has a shoulder owie, too.

Course this kitten isn’t flying high on pain meds, he’s guttin’ it out the natural way…….just sayin’.

It occurred to me that if every chick South ever had sex with donated just one dollar to his GoFundMe page, he could pay off his medical bills and probably have enough money left over to retire from….from….what the hell does South even do these days to make money? Gawd, I’m so out of the loop it isn’t even funny. I don’t even know if he’s still cranking out movies!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to see a car sales man about a 2015 deep blue Mustang with one of those way cool galloping horse decals along the side…