Some observations from the “Sunshine State”

I am sitting at the computer and have been fairly scatter-brained since getting here…obviously the major-league “up-rooting” that I just completed in a severely compressed time frame would probably take the wind out of most people’s sails.  Fortunately, with the help of great friends like Mike South and others, I have survived and am not too worse for wear.  But now that I am sitting and looking out the window on the intercoastal I have time to gather my thoughts.  This is actually a very refreshing change of pace…although it will be a brief respite as I am quite overwhelmed by house hunting and everything else currently going on.

I want to preface this by saying that I am NOT insulting the great state of Florida in any way, shape or form.  I LOVE it here, I have been wanting to make this move for about four years now, and I finally did it, albeit under unfortunate circumstances for me.  Nevertheless, I have been here in “Paradise” for just a little longer than a week now and I feel sufficiently “Floridian” to make these poignant observations.

Lindsey Lovehand’s Thoughts on Florida Living

• If you want to get anywhere around town between the hours of 4pm and 6pm….forget it.  Now one might think that this is due to traffic congestion, the unfortunate by-product of urban sprawl, beach over-development, etc.  WRONG…the real reason is because that is when all the AARP members like Mike South are making a bee-line to the “Early-Bird” specials at the local eateries.  Now ordinarily these people would never dream of allowing the needle on the speedometer to pass the 34mph mark, but have an “all-you-can-eat” snow crab leg special at Crabby Bills ….and fuh-geda-bout-it!  Gridlock does not even begin to describe what occurs.  Snails were passing me on the right the other day.
• And speaking of traffic….what’s up with the 35 mph speed limits everywhere?  Where I am staying temporarily on the Gulf side, I have yet to see a speed limit sign posted higher than 35 mph on a surface street.  Do the local officials fear that driving any faster than that will somehow cause the space-time continuim to be disrupted, like in the first “Superman” movie and time will go backwards?  Well we can’t have that now, if any of the old-timers went back in time they might actually remember HOW to drive.  But then I guess if time actually went backwards they would be younger and therefore wouldn’t be able to get the “Early-Bird” discounts they treasure so dearly.  Quite the conundrum indeed.
• I have a FIVE pound pomeranian….FIVE pounds.  She usually eats one pebble of food at a time and her “waste” is nominal to say the least, in fact sometimes I have to actually LOOK to see it.  For some reason though, I am required to carry around garbage bags to collect her poo as if she was an elephant at the zoo.  WTF?  Oh my god, my dog’s rabbit-sized pebbles are going to totally contaminate the water table. 
• If you want to live here…learn to LOVE crab.  Period.  I think some guy at the convenience store gave me crab in my coffee the other day…I thought he said “cream”…go figure.  Yeah, Floridians love their crab like people from Maine love their lobster.  I went to a restaurant the other day and they actually had “crab pancakes” on the menu.  If you don’t like seafood I suggest you live somewhere else…like maybe South Dakota.  And by the way….I’m speaking of crab the shellfish…not THE CRABS…which as far as I know, no one loves.
• There are two kinds of sun-worshippers in Florida:  the kind that have actually heard of skin cancer and modern conveniences that prevent it, like SPF suntan lotion; and those that think that RAH the Egyptian god of the sun will somehow magically protect them from the UV rays and damn lotion all to hell.  “Yeah, my skin looks like an alligator handbag, but I live in Florida and you don’t.  Ha Ha! ” And besides, even though they may be thirty-six they LOOK sixty-six so they get the “Early-Bird” discounts when they go out to eat.  An obvious bonus.
• If you don’t like the heat…WHY THE FUCK did you move here?  It is called the “Sunshine State” for a reason asshole.
• Note to self: open a “Hover-Round” dealership as soon as possible. 
• Contrary to popular belief…not ALL of Florida is on the water.  There is a lot of land that is not within eyesight of the beach…deal with it.  Get a pool or a jacuzzi or MOVE TO THE BEACH and quit your bitchin’!  There’s always Orlando and Disney World to look forward to.  I think Minnie Mouse would look hot in garter belts and thigh-highs.
• Whoever prints the AARP and handicap parking decals are making a FORTUNE!
•  DO NOT…I repeat… DO NOT shout “fire” or anything, for that matter, in a public place.  The amount of cardiac emergencies that will instantaneously occur will bring the entire hospital system of Florida to its knees within a matter of minutes.  There aren’t enough helicopters in Iraq AND Afghanistan to shuttle all the heart attack patients to the hospitals. 
• Note to self:  start selling black-market nitro-glycerin pills.
• Shoes, as most people know them, are not worn much in Florida.  In fact, there is quite an epidemic of “ugly-toe” syndrome goin’ on here.  People…a word of advice….open-toed shoes are a privelege…NOT a right.  And that goes for men as well as women.  Just because you have toes, I have toes, we all have toes, DOES NOT mean they need to be seen…in public.  I mean c’mon….I’m trying to eat over here!  And ladies, a word of advice:  if you are going to paint your toe nails…paint the WHOLE goddamn toe nail…not just a dribble of polish on one-third of a nail.  Would you buy a car with one-third of a paint job?  Have some pride ladies.  VISIT A NAIL SALON…please…I BEG you.  Millions of Vietnamese salon proprietors are counting on you.
• Note to self:  open a nail salon and flip-flop store IMMEDIATELY.
• Men…unless your name is Mario Lopez or Brad Pitt…DO NOT wear a Speedo on the beach…again, a privelege NOT a right.  And btw, shave your backs please.  The hair is supposed to be on the FRONT.  And just because you are visiting from Europe does not mean this is a European beach, therefore, men NO THONGS please, unless, of course you are Mario Lopez or Brad Pitt, in which case please contact Mike South for my phone number.
• If men can go to EVERY possible public venue without a shirt…why can’t I do the same?  I think me topless at a Tampa Bay Buccaneers game would provide far more motivation for the players than the balding, overweight old guy with hairy ears sitting two rows in front of me.
• If you think you are going to get a deal on real estate here…you better think again.  Like the old adage says: “God’s not making anymore real estate” and I believe that most of the people here must have God’s cell number on speed dial. 
• Note to self: buy Pfizer stock …NOW.  Viagra is going to appear on the state flag of Florida soon.
• The only “good” gator is either on my plate, on my feet, on my waist or wrist or being toted by me though an airport packed full of my delicate unmentionables.  It is NOT an animal that makes a “good pet”…not matter what Sonny Crockett says.  And that goes triple for pythons, anacondas, vipers or any other kind of snake.  What is wrong with you people?  Go to Busch Gardens for that shit.
• Air conditioning needs to be a fundamental RIGHT…in your cars, homes, buses, public venues…wherever.  Please do not go to the flea market without taking a shower…if you don’t have air conditioning that’s fine…but please take a bath prior to attending ANY public functions or venues. 
• Mahuffers Bar & Grille in Indian Shores is the GREATEST BAR ON THE PLANET!!!!
• If I wasn’t a “good girl” I could be set for life by marrying and then quickly “fucking to death” all the fossils that propose to me at every bar I go to.  Of course I’d have to go through the pre-nup that they wrote on the back of a napkin with a fine-toothed comb.
• Learn to love “Matzo-Ball Mondays” when eating out.

So I hope that I have provided those of you that are not fortunate enough to live here in paradise with the tools necessary to better enjoy your next vacation to the “Sunshine State”.  And if you are thinking of relocating here as I did…bring your suntan lotion…and better do it before 4pm.