I’ve only been dumped by one guy. Twice. The first time I was barely fifteen and he dumped me for not putting out. It sucked but I don’t like pressure and I let him walk. When I was 17 we hooked up again. He dumped me again four months later. He said all I wanted to do was fuck and we never talked. I couldn’t win.
I’ll be 23 next month. I started having sex at 15. In that span of time I’ve never been hurt. I’ve had some fucked up exes and some really great guys but I’ve never had any real emotional pain over a break up. I’m friends with most of them and there is only one I’ve fantasized about castrating. My best friend is down here visiting from Sacramento. She’s been lovingly calling me emotionally retarded for years.
I took a class on the psychology of motivation at Sac State in the first semester of my junior year. We spent a lot of time focusing on cheating in relationships and what pisses off the different genders. Guys don’t like physical cheating and chicks don’t like emotional cheating. It fits the evolutionary model. Us females want to protect our investments in our men to ensure the best chances for our offspring. We won’t mind too much if a guy gets his rocks off here and there but if he shows prolonged emotional interest in another female then our positions are compromised. Dudes can’t stand their chicks fucking other people because they are investing their resources in the female and her offspring and they don’t want to risk raising someone else’s kids. I’ve never been the jealous type. I don’t care much either way.
According to this class though, I am a cheater. This is probably why I’ve never been hurt. I’ve always had someone on standby in my relationships. If I hit a point where I knew it needed to end for whatever reason, I’d have a rebound already primed and waiting. He’d be my little nicotine patch until I got over all of it and was ready to be on my own again. It’s not that I can’t be single. I love being single. I’ve just never had to transition from a full fledged relationship to cold turkey single. I know it’s kinda screwed up on my part but I was able to justify it as long as it didn’t become physical before the previous relationship ended. One time it did become physical before the previous relationship ended. Oops. In my defense the guy said “no” when I tried to break up with him the first time.
Most of the people I’ve talked to about this who truly take stock of their own behavior in relationships do the same thing. They don’t usually do it in the beginning, but the second it gets rocky they lower the life boats on the proverbial ship they’re about to jump. I’m convinced now that not doing it is self sacrifice in a way. By not keeping potential replacements on hand you’re essentially making yourself way more vulnerable and making the other person way more comfortable. It comes down to whose feelings you care more for. I’m a firm believer in the virtue of selfishness.
These weird relationships we manage to carve out in porn are even more complicated. Some won’t call it cheating if you do a double cream pie or a blow bang, but will break up over a stray kiss. Some only call it cheating if there is no money exchanged. Some don’t care at all or can’t prove it because they both know that cheating is only an emotional state of mind, and who can really catch a state of mind? Personally, regardless of who I’m dating and what his standards are, I know that I’m cheating if I’m doing anything physical off camera or if I’m spending any time on the phone with another guy talking for the sake of talking. Even the friend who calls me emotionally retarded can’t keep me on the phone after ten years. It’s a big deal for me to stay on the phone with anyone.
So maybe I’m growing up or maybe I’m getting stupid. I’m finding myself with no rebounds anymore. No booty calls. No safety net. Not even prospects. I’m finding that I don’t like it one bit. It’s uncomfortable and for some reason I haven‘t taken the time to change it. After the horse incident my trainer started referring to me as the glutton for punishment. We’ll see if this is a lifestyle I can sustain. I almost feel like a recovering alcoholic explaining it. I’ll keep notch marks on my bed post. I’ll be able to tell you down to the day exactly how long I’ve been rebound free. I’ll hit the step where I have to go around and apologize to everyone I’ve hurt and hopefully on the anniversaries I’ll get a party from my support group. Probably not. But I am giving the grown up thing a try.
One Response
your rhetoric has managed to provoke another comment from me…
You’ve disavowed explicitly, but begrudingly all but admitted that the virtue of selfishness does not necessarily consist of making oneself comfortable emotionally. That if someone develops a dependency upon something which is objectively bad for them, giving in to it because it feels good is most definitely not selfish.
But you know this… you’ve finally bitten the bullet and gone cold turkey. you understand that selfishness does not equal emotionalism. if you stick to it, you’ll feel better in the long run – especially when you find that guy who responds to your new virtue of independence.
No, emotions and convictions need not be at odds – and life becomes wonderful when they’re not – but if they are, the proper thing to do is to think. To treat one’s emotions as primary, and to adjust your convictions to appease them, is what is truly self-sacrificial.
I just had to speak up and save the terminology from improper use.