GREETINGS FROM CASA

After experiencing turbulence in the skies, and in the airport when my vibrator touched off airport security alarms, I have safely reached Atlanta. I found the key South had cleverly hidden under the welcome mat and I am, at this minute, laying on Mike’s bed in his cough**luxuriouscondo**cough. I tend to forget that words have different meanings in the South than they do in the North. For instance, “fixing” in the North means repairing, as in “I am fixing my flat tire.” In the South, “fixing” means “going to.” I’m fixing to visit my sister. When Mike said his condo looked exactly like this, I didn’t realize he meant it looked exactly like this. See the dilapidated van in the driveway? I have it on very good authority that several girls reached “confederate cutie” status in the back of that van. As I lay here on the bed looking at my reflection in South’s cheesy overhead mirror, I firmly believe that I have been stricken with Tom Sawyer Syndrome. Who is evidently slicker at this than Tom was—gets people to do his job AND he gives you the feeling that you’re lucky you were “chosen” to do it. Because not just any schmo off the street could do this job. Nosiree, it takes a special kind of schmo. He actually told me updating his site was an “awesome responsibility.” Spoken like someone who has never had to force an 8 lb baby through a hole only 10 centimeters wide…
It’s really freaky being in Mike’s condo, though, because he has pictures of nude women on his walls. And yeah, he gave me that whole “it’s not porn, it’s art” argument, but he has one nude hanging right behind his couch in the living room. (I kid you not.) I keep thinking how difficult it would be to entertain Mom and Dad on this couch. “Sorry, Mom, what did you say? I was distracted by that twat hanging over your head…”
Okay on to other things….this quote on women swallowing cum is from “Going Down” author Joel Perry: “I just know that in general the women I talk to say they just can’t get over the whole coming thing. It just doesn’t turn women on as much as men…..We noted that for the most part women didn’t have that “Hey, let me suck you dry” attitude. Theirs is more like, “We’ll have sex, but please don’t come in my mouth.” Okay this is total crap. Women DO like to swallow cum and if guys were savvier about their approach, I’m guessing a lot more would be swallowing. But I guess I shouldn’t give too much notice to “Going Down” since the authors refer to a guy’s balls as “Tim and Tommy Testicles.” If you’re gonna write a book on sex, it’s okay to be clever funny, but not fifth grade funny.
I read an article in the paper this morning about prosecutors in Las Vegas trying to declare a moratorium on any new outcall business licenses…aka they don’t want you to be able to have “private dancers” come to your hotel room. They are citing reasons such as an increase in sexually transmitted diseases and prostitutes stealing from the clientele. I’m guessing it has more to do with this “family oriented” phase Las Vegas is going through.. The Clark County Assistant District Attorney Mike Davidson, was quoted as saying, “If you feel the need to express yourself through dance, do it at one of the clubs, join a ballet troupe.” I’m sure somewhere in downtown Kettering, Ohio, DB is right now mounting a one man campaign to eradicate this injustice. And I hope he does prevail cuz if he doesn’t…well, the thought of DB in a tutu is more than I can handle right now. But if anybody has a picture of him in one, I’ll be more than happy to run it.
Mike just called me on the phone and made me promise that I would NOT go through his personal belongings while he was away, and I solemnly assured him that I am a mature adult, who respects his privacy. Soooooo, I’m off to go through Mike’s personal belongings, but let me leave you with this sex tip: due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms. Remember this the next time you see that flashing blue light in Kmart…