THE TIMCASE FILES – 27 May 2003, 7:56 p.m. PDT

The phone rings, and the Caller ID tells me it’s not Harry Weiss, so I pick up. The voice on the other end of the cell phone speaks in an instantly recognizable, distinctly Southern drawl.

“Yer in trouble, Bubba, and I’m gonna have to fire ya. You’ve lost your edge. You used to be funny…a bit twisted and fruity, maybe, but still funny. Baking in all that California sunshine’s ruined you.”

Damn. Right off the bat with the bitching – he’s getting worse than Goddess. I wonder for a moment if my bank account can handle the drop in income if Mike lets me go, then suddenly remember that he doesn’t pay me.

“What the hell are you talking about, Mike?” I asked. “I’m still funny. Ask anyone. That scrotum-licking freak Wankus just hired me to do my own weekly show on KSEX starting June 10th – both Sean Michaels and Bud Lee want me to write scripts for them – hell, I’m still responsible for the best shit you’ll ever publish on that gossip-ridden, self-promoting, dead-fish-illustrated, Adella’s-butt kissing website of yours. Not to mention I have two books I’m writing.”

His easy chuckle lets me know he’s way ahead of me. “First of all, monkey-nuts, Wankus gave you that KSEX show on the outside chance that you might be able to drag Felicia Fox’s ass off set long enough for her to co-host it with you occasionally. He’s hoping you two will act stupid and draw a regular audience to KSEXradio on Tuesdays, thus keeping everyone from watching “DP Tonight”, which I sponsor and which you’re practically going head-to-head against every other week. You know how people at the zoo gather around the monkey cage to watch ’em all beat off…you guys are the KSEX monkeys. And, by the way, I’ll flap my arms and fly to the moon before you ever finish either of those fucking books.”

“Uh huh,” I said, deftly changing the subject. “Like you think going head to head with Jesse Jane would be a BAD thing…”

“Yer a pervert.”

“Hell yes, I am. And Jesse’s fucking hot.”

“You know, is Fifi still able to pussy fart on command? Y’all might be able to get some people to listen to that show of yours once or twice if she can.”

“Yeah, Mike, that’ll fill up a good half hour. Then we’ll have Kiki on and she can bring her whips and restraints and tie me up and beat me. Hey, are you being serious? How can you say I’ve lost my edge?”

“Dude, it’s true. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You used to write funny shit…fake interviews with Richard Gere, stories about driving across the whole country with strippers and breaking down in Kentucky in the middle of the night and shit like that. Stuff people really wanted to read. Hell, people used to come to my site just to see what was going on with your crazy, fucked-up life….Dick Freeman, Steve Lane. Even Carly used to like you. Now all you do is call me with all this shit I can’t print cause as far as you’re concerned everything’s Off The Fucking Record.”

“Well – it’s different now, Mike. I’m out here living in Porn Valley. I’m around these people all the time. I actually LIKE most of them, man. I’m not out in bumfuck like you, slinging mud across state lines and never having to worry about actually seeing anyone in person until January rolls around. Hell, I even like the ones who are totally insane…”

“Like Cynara Fox?”

“You said that, I didn’t.”

“Look, Brother – you give me one fucking story that I can print. Something good…something weird that will get people talking again. Do something for my Alexa rankings. Give me something so far out there that no one in porn will fucking believe it’s true, even though they’ll all suspect it is.”

“Okay…uh…Nic Andrews is secretly banging Felicia Fox.”

“Yer ass. Try again.”

“Steve Seidman shaved his head.”

“I’m hanging up now…”

“Nick Manning is totally straight.”


“Robby D. has three testicles.”

“I’m gonna kick yer ass…”

“Okay, okay – wait — here goes. The story of the year. Miss Alexa Rae is not a flake at all – she’s a very responsible young woman who is gorgeous and sexy as hell, she reads Tennessee Williams in her spare time, and she’s really working hard to turn her life around. I like her a hell of a lot.”

I wait, listening to the dead silence on the other end. Then, very quietly, he says “You know, I liked you a lot better as a cameraman.” Then Mike South hangs up on me.

Jesus Christ….go please the fucking world!

OK for starters I don’t kiss Adella’s ass, I suspect she’d be the first to verify that I would kiss Jesse Jane anywhere she wanted though prolly Devon too but I don’t think Devon likes me very much. Now don’t think for one minute I don’t know what you are up to here, the only reason you wrote this is to promo your KSEX show and you knew I wouldn’t do it unless you disguised it as some sort of humorous story. As for battling it out with DPTonight all I can say is if you ever run a video feed of this show of yours please see to it that the audio and the video are at least almost in sync and that the background is ANYTHING but black. Hell if DPTonight had a Video Team Night you’d never be able to see anybody, just eyes and teeth. Maybe I will send the fine folks at Digital Playground and new backdrop, something in the way of a big banner….or better even, a banner.

Oh ya and don’t break yer arm pattin yerself on the back over scripts for Bud Lee and Sean Michaels, while I like both these guys lets face it porn scripts ain’t exactly on a par with “Cool Hand Luke”

8730cookie-checkTHE TIMCASE FILES – 27 May 2003, 7:56 p.m. PDT

THE TIMCASE FILES – 27 May 2003, 7:56 p.m. PDT

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