by Tim Case
So, Mike… We finally made it. The Beverly Pornbillies have arrived. You might think that my moribund social life would improve since I relocated to Los Angeles this week with my roommates, world-renowned all natural porn goddess and part-time lover Felicia Fox and her good friend Vandalia, a lovely, bubbly, heavily inked peeler who wants to break into porn for one reason only: to have hot lesbian sex with Belldonna.
You would be wrong.
Last night was my first Saturday night as a newly transplanted Angelino. Can you imagine, a Saturday night in the city of angels? Hollywood, sushi, limos, and lots of booze, right? True to form, I spent it in my room alone, watching tv at the hooker hotel in my Doors Reunion Tour t-shirt and working online while I made Hamburger Helper on a hot plate (“Cheeseburger Macaroni” brand, for the more detail-oriented among you).
As befits my new California surroundings, I prepared my sumptuous meal with ground turkey rather than ground beef. I considered using the roll of
“Ground Vegetable Matter Beef Substitute” they had on the shelf at Von’s (that’s the “Piggly Wiggly” to you, Mike) but the potential results were,
quite simply, too horrifying to contemplate.In all fairness, of course, I didn’t HAVE to sit at home alone on a Saturday night. I had a date. Total hottie Kiki Daire called me up at about 6pm or so, saying she’d heard I was, ahem, HOME ALONE and wanted to take me out for a night on the town. Having heard from more than one of Kiki’s lovers about her fetish for strapping on big green dildos and fucking her male partners in the ass, however, I politely declined. I then bolted the door and hid in the shower for the remainder of the evening with Bubba the Wonder Dog. Felicia and Vandalia (mah bitches), had left me alone to attend the CIC Conference with some friends. The Conference, I understand, is a gathering of music business insiders that takes place once a year — they all get together in a big room for three days, shmooze ad nauseum, pat each other on the back
and talk about how great they all are while they verbally attack each other the minute a back is turned. At the end of the week they get all dressed up
and pass out meaningless awards to each other and clap, then get drunk and bitch. Sound familiar?
I can’t imagine a worse place to be than in an auditorium full of fucking booking agents. Jesus, what a weasle-palooza that must have been. The only
thing that would be worse than that would be…well, hiding in the shower from Kiki Daire.This week we look for a place to rent here in the valley…I saw in the paper yesterday that there was a really nice little hovel in Van Nuys (one bedroom, no bath, burnt out kitchen and outhouse in the back) for only $4000 a month (first, last, and security deposit up front of course). No pets, though, so I’m afraid Bubba will have to be euthanized. So much for the Wonder Dog.
You ever considered getting out of Atlanta and coming out here?
I been thinkin about relocatin to LA. I pretty much decided I’m gonna do it soon as they start having snowball fights in HELL!
HEY MIKE,that means you are moving here to Cincy because this place is hell and it is snowing AGAIN DAMMMMMITTT!!!! So ill be setting up a cot for you and your kin folk……and btw this is for Tim ..bubba is not the wonder dog ,we all decided since Tampa that his name is bubba the bisexual humping dog.bahahahahahaha
Poor Bubba….aka Red Fox…maligned on my site for the world to see and no recourse is available to him….See the value of a good education…