The Church of the Female Orgasm

I was in South Lake Tahoe last week taking a hiatus from my hiatus. Who knew so much fucking debauchery could take place in such a quiet little resort community. More on this trip in the upcoming days.

A week ago today I was eating dinner all by myself at the Montbleu Hotel bar. I got seated next to a lively group of nine people who were raucously enjoying their dinner and drinks. I am a notorious fucking loner when it comes to business trips. Mostly because people are usually paying me too much money for me not to give their project my absolute undivided attention. Between you and me though, after that televised abortion known as “Pam: Girl on the Loose”, a few moments of actually thinking about plot before rolling are probably a good idea.

After about an hour of quietly eating three heart attack courses all alone culminating with a chocolate cake dipped in chocolate syrup, a couple of the flirty cougars sitting next to me invited me to turn my chair around and join their group for a drink. Under normal circumstances I probably would have said no, but overhearing some of their previous conversation peeked my interested enough to pull up my chair.

The group was made up of five women ranging in age from 25 to around 62 with four guys who ranged from ultra nerdy to young at heart grandfather type. They all turned out to be from Marin County California and they all lived together in the same house. Upon further inquiry, I also learned that the total number of adults living in their home was 19. So basically, I stumbled upon a modern day commune. However, this commune had nothing to do with the Manson Family or growing dope. I learned that all of these people dedicated their lives to giving and receiving the ultimate female orgasm. This is not a fucking joke. These people were dead serious. Everyone living in the house paired off each morning and spent at least a couple of hours trying to make all the women in the house cum. The grandfatherly guy sitting at the head of the table told me straight up that the world would be a much better place if people took the time to get in touch with their “internal rhythm” by learning how to give women hour long orgasms. I was subsequently provided with a website URL documenting a curriculum of classes I could take for $295.00 a piece to learn the art of administering an hour long orgasm.

Okay, we are talking Marin County. I shouldn’t be surprised right? Well, the fucking kicker came about 25 minutes into the conversation. Unbeknownst to me previously, I learned that four people in the group of swinging revelers were actually related. A mother and father with their daughter and her husband. The daughter looked to be around mid-twenties and she was pregnant. Drum roll please…………………………………………………………………………The parents of the pregnant woman proudly proclaimed to me that they were in town to meet the gentleman who would be masturbating their daughter to orgasm during her delivery in September. Now, It normally takes an awful lot to fucking shock me, but I really had no idea that conversation with those people would take such a turn. If anything, I thought maybe the daughter would proclaim her love of orgasms in front of her parents, and then I would spend the next 11 hours in my hotel room jerking off feverishly like I was a member of the SWAT team trying to dismantle a bomb between my legs. However, nothing could have prepared me for the whole parents looking for a guy to masturbate their daughter in the delivery room thing.

I’m just going to stop here because nothing I can say further will top that shit. The only other thing that occurred at the table before I left was the grandfatherly dude trying to persuade me to buy the home that I’m currently renting in the Bay Area for the purpose of starting a second commune. I politely declined, but did take a business card just in case I ever got in the mood to give an orgasm to a woman who has longer leg hair than I do.