OK Y’all Hep Me Out:

Im gonna do a best of worst of for 2003, I need some funny shit, if y’all don’t send it you will have to endure whatever I think up. Please keep it porn related.

JimmyD Adds His $0.02 Worth:


I resent Dirty Bob’s assertion that I might be the idiot who wrote to you regarding his desire to become a director in the adult entertainment

First off, Dirty Bob (and you yourself) should know that becoming a porn director does not require any filmmaking knowledge–technical, artistic,
or otherwise. It is neither an art nor a craft. In fact, it barely qualifies as a job. And assuming it does qualify as such, it is a job that requires little or no experience whatsoever.

One thing that everyone seems to agree on is that this fellow is an idiot. And if truth be known, being an idiot actually can serve as a good credential for becoming a porn director. The business is filled with directors who are idiots–porn savants–whose only experience is that they may have once or twice rented a porn video, or they are married or connected to someone, or that they somehow know someone, or have done
something for someone, or will do something for someone who is willing to give them their big, porn break.

another idiot porn director

Hell JimmyD at least you know where to find the aperture ring….But there ya have it Woody….write to [email protected] he will take you under his wing.

And Dirty Bob:

Regarding the guy who wanted advice:

I reread his letter to you (or at least tried to read it) and have come to the conclusion that the only advise that he needs at this point, to be taken seriously, is how to use a dictionary.

Otherwise, bro, I suspect that you have been set up. I suspect that, somewhere, someone like Seidman or Jimmy D or Adella or Goddess is sitting at home, snickering, and murmuring to themselves “Gotcha, South”.

On the other hand, if it is true, a good guess would be that he arrived at that $150 figure as being what it costs him to get an escort over to his pad. Plus tip (heh heh).

You made the right decision. If you HAD given him REAL advice, he would be able to tell people that he spoke to a real producer, perhaps dropping your name in the process, at which point it would make YOU look bad if this person was in it just to get laid or if something went wrong. If bartenders are liable for customers who leave drunk…wouldn’t some judge in some backwards town who hates porn just love to set a precedent where YOU were liable for giving the goof advise which resulted in any problems? Just a thought.

Face to face is everything. You need to see if this guy is real. This reminds me of one time in Las Vegas, back in the early 90’s, when a fan came up to me at the porn convention. The guy was friendly, seemed a bit more knowledgeable that the usual fan who takes things for granted, and was very interested in the business. Yeah, he was a perv, but that can be a plus sometimes. We spoke; I gave him some Dirty Bob advice on the pluses and minuses of the biz, and that was that. He was so appreciative that he went out of his way and gave me a ride back to another casino where I was staying. A nice guy. You may know him: his name is Mike South.

Dirty Bob

Thats a true story too….Ya know I just never know what will grow legs…this topic got hugely popular but the 4 contract girls and Nick Manning hooking for a weekend in S. Florida didn’t get a single email.

And From Bob:

William Goldman, the screen writer (Butch Cassidy; Marathon Man; A Bridge Too Far; All The Presidents’ Men), has a saying about being a writer:

Screen writers get fired all the time because everyone thinks they know how to write.

No one ever fires a cinematographer because when they’re having a trouble with the shot he says: “Oh, I’ll just change the aperature to F11 and use a number 11 yellow gel. That’ll fix it.” And no one knows what he’s talking about.

Specially not Woody.

Grenn Lantern Writes:

Just read thru the past few days worth of stuff:

1) Does Woody Prophet know that women and fish are 2 different species altogether? You don’t “catch” a woman, you “catch” a fish or a cold. As far as the debate goes on how you treated this guy’s dream, I think you were 100% within your right to tell it like it is with this guy. Last I checked, you can’t tell someone how to ride a bicycle, they have to get on the seat & move the pedals for themselves. Same situation here.

2) The Happy Everything picture is hilarious! It’s also easier to look @ than your ugly mug. LOL!!

3) Ref this quote “Southernbukkake.com owner Mike South (ie me) say’s that NOTHING in his bukkakes are fake, usually not even the tits.”, you should have used AKA (also known as) and not IE (for example). Just thought I’d let you know for future reference.

4) Hope you had a great birthday.

5) I hope that your friend who had the family difficulty @ Christmas is feeling better. The write-up you did was heart-breaking even though you
authored it. You & heart-breaking in the same sentence? Who’da thunk it?


Just Damn….and this is the poor fellow I named a Jackass a few months back….Thanks GL….and I did notice there isn’t one single reference to leanna Heart in the whole letter 🙂


Bob Adds:

Hey, Mike: The other day, I read Woody Prophet’s e-mail and thought: let the fun begin. I’ve followed the two responses since — the gentle reader who took you to task for being a bit tough on Woody’s dream, and Richard’s “tell-it-like-it-is” response.

You and Richard hit the nail on the head. I’ve been a professional writer for more than 20 years. I free lance, which means I don’t write for any one publication. But over the years I’ve done a bit of everything you can do for a buck at a keyboard. Like Richard, I’ve worked in network television, doing movies of the week for ABC and CBS for five years back in the early 90’s. And I’ve written and continue to write for the kinds of magazines you see on your local newsstand or in the grocery store. I also do a fair amount of business writing.

Reading Richard’s note, I remembered an event from last summer. Friend of mine’s son graduated from college and asked if we could knock back a beer or two and talk about writing.

The kid came to my office, looked around and said: I’m a pretty good writer, and it looks like you live pretty well. I want to be a free lancer just like you. Can you make some calls for me.

My answer was two fold: First, it was: Sorry. You’re on your own buddy.

And next it was: What makes you think that because you can knock out a good short story now and then that you’re a writer. Or that you can make a living at it.

And, contrary to the opinion of the first writer, I’m not afraid of the competition. The editors who hire me hire me for a reason — I’m pretty good at what I do and you can count on me. That won’t change until I screw it up.

What the wannabes don’t understand is: As hard as it is to write well, writing is the easy part.

Writing day in and day out; writing to the length assigned; writing on deadline; writing an assignment that does what it’s supposed to do so the editor can publish it (and not worry that the editor in chief is gonna chew out his or her ass for using a doofus like me to begin with); writing in a way that informs, educates, entertains, or moves the reader — all those things that add up to being a professional. That’s the hard part.

That’s the part that not everyone can do. It’s the reason that editors, producers, and anyone else in a position of hiring authority in the media and entertainment businesses — probably including porn — hire known quantities they can count on to deliver the goods. It’s the reason that guys like Richard (and me, knock on my keyboard) have jobs.

And even that doesn’t anwser the question of whether you have the business sense to do that and make a living while doing it.

If Woody has the goods, he’ll buy a camera anyway, learn how to use it, learn the business, and become a pro (and maybe he’ll learn to spell, punctuate, and express himself in complete sentences while he’s at it).

If not, he’ll go back to doing something productive with his life.

Best for the New Year.


thanks bob, and you are right, it’s amazing to me how someone will simply annoint himself with the title “Director” and we are suppossed to believe that he is one. I asked old Woody what eye line was, and crossing the line and what the aperture ring on a lens does.

He had no clue…

If Doctors used these standards you could go to a doctor who wouldn’t know where your heartbeat was or what its purpose is. I admiy making bad porn won’t kill ya but it might make the guy watching wish he was dead…..

And Hart Rings in as Well:

Dear Mike:

I’ve got to respond to the fellow who said, in part, “Seriously, you complain that we have too many ‘directors’ that dont know shit, why not give
him some guidance so we can fix what you think is wrong?”

Golly, how many YEARS of (free) guidance do you think THAT would take?

Back when I was beginning my writing career, I read a famous Science Fiction writer’s advice on writing (I can’t remember which one, so I won’t try to identify him) and it started out with an observation that I’ve never forgotten. Writing, quoth he, is the most accessable of the plastic arts. No
one would buy a little Casio keyboard and go out the next day to try and book Carnagie Hall. No one would finish their first Paint-By-Numbers
painting and try to get it hung in the Guggenheim. But every imbecile in the world will buy a typewriter (remember, this was the 70s, pre-word-processor) and claim to be a writer.

Well, now, with the advent of cheap auto-focus, auto-exposure digital camcorders, that same moron (who probably can’t type well enough to claim to be “a writer”) claims to be a director, or, worse (and more likely), an AUTEUR. A “filmmaker.” A Cinematic Artiste.

If anything, movies are MORE complex than writing (whether they have a plot or not) and anyone who is so naieve as to think that they can just pick up a camera and be a great filmmaker has a very tenuous grasp on reality. (I’m being polite.) Worse: the assertion that what people REALLY want to see is nice girls slimed and degraded by getting their video cherry popped is not just misogynism in the extreme, but, sadly, an all-too-common attitude in and about porn that is, frankly, reflective of a pretty sick society. The progression from “the girl next door” to “the next girl whore,” is a topic for another day, though.

Thank ghod these idiots don’t think the same thing — that ANYBODY who has the equipment can do it — about brain surgery, gene splicing, nuclear fission, or rocket science. There’s some consolation in that.


Hart Williams

I gotta say right here and now that I will bet that the intelligence of my readership is higher than any other porn news site…cept maybe JimmyD who I think has the same readers I do…Thanks Y’all You make me look good!

Rishard Write:

Concerning the person upset that you blasted someone’s dream of being a porn director, I have to agree with you on this one.

I have the same type problem, everyone thinks it is easy to buy a camera and start making television. They usually are ready to blow a lot of money to follow their dream of being a producer. After spending tons of money, making promises, they intended to keep, and going broke, they see that it is not as easy as yelling “action”.

You may have saved this guy from bankruptcy, getting his ass kicked and maybe jail.

Remember the last guy that thought he was going to be the next porn king? He is doing 8 years.

Network television has already had its share of the “new generation” of young gun producers trying to “entertain a different crowd” and guess what? Networks are losing audience share at such an alarming rate that they are all in a panic. So where are the audiences turning to?

The tried and true production method shows. The shows with well-written scripts, skillfull lighting, passionate direction and photography are winning. The cheap reality show genre is dying at a rapid pace. The more expensive, well-produced shows thrive. That holds for porn as well. Think Vivid or Digital Playground is worried. I doubt it.

Anyone that thinks they can just get a DV cam and they are officially a producer is heading for a serious fall.

And as for making money…well yea the “new” porn is making money…but those same guys are spending more of that money in legal fees. Ask Rob Black, Adam Glasser, Max Hardcore…what percentage of their money and time is devoted now to staying out of prison? Yes they are pushing the envelope, and yes Bang Bus is pretty cool. But Bangbus doesn’t pick girls up, they hire girls for a LOT more than 150 bucks and now there are so many copycat sites that their revenues are quite lower.

I have spent 15 years learning (and still am) how to shoot, edit, light and direct. I make my living doing this and to have someone want me to give them all the knowledge for free…that is an insult. Everyday I get someone that wants to get in to the network level of television and wants me to get them in. “Oh can you make a phone call for me?”. No, I cannot…it is my ass on the line if you screw up, not yours. And I want to keep working.

The guy should have asked if he could be your production assistant or something and start by helping you out…listen and learn.

So why did I respond to this post? I am off today to re-shoot some interviews that a guy with no experience and a dv camera did for a documentary…without checking his audio in a headset…all distortion. I guess I should encourage those kind of people because now I am making an extra 2 days work to fix his mistake.

Ahh yes…I remember Ugly George….whatever happened to him? How about a Mike South’s whatever happened to series?



And that sums it up nicely. As you may deduce from this Richard really does work in mainstream televison and he knows his shit.

And he is right Woosy would have come a lot nearer getting my assistance by volunteering to PA, BUT, he lacks even the fndamental knowledge that I would require a PA to have.

And So It Goes:

Almighty Mike,

This in regards to the dude in Atlanta that you blasted his dream. First off, I have always respected your view even though I may not have always agreed with it. The guy wrote and asked you for some simple advice and you shit all over him. The guy is a reader obviously and was looking up to you to provide some guidance. Seriously, you complain that we have too many “directors” that dont know shit, why not give him some guidance so we can fix what you think is wrong?

In my opinion, that is the problem with so many old timers in this buisness. Most of you fear any competition from a younger generation. Lets face it, the days of “name recognition” are gone. Who gives a fuck about the name Tera Patrick or old has been bitches like Chasey Lain? No one. Shit. I have seen better vids from hotter chicks on the multi value type sites. So what if the chick just did one video? If its hot, it works for me. But this is the same reason why the porn business makes more today than it did back in your hayday.

Modern day porn isnt about shitty storylines. Come on, if it was, Ron Jeremy would still be a draw. Its about discovering that hot unkown betty who is fresh, pure, and innocent and turning that chick out for the world to witness. If it werent for the “new” crowd, you old fuckers would have no one to draw inspiration from. Fuck, look at Bang Bus for example. It has inspired so many fucking sites that deal with the same concept. NO FUCKING WAY anyone back in the 80s would have been smart enough to do that shit.

You have to remember, that currently we are entertaining a different crowd than you did 20 years ago. Thanks to the internet, the porn business will never die and there will be a place for every hard dick to get its stroke. Why not be constructive instead of destructive? You once wrote about what you think is wrong with porn today…but be honest….its the same shit that you think is wrong that is making money.

Look you may think I dumped on the guy and thats fine yer entitled to your opinion but Im telling him like it is.

If he listens to me I have done him a HUGE favor. If he doesn’t he is going to wish he had. The first clue was his per scene budget, evidence that he has watched to much bangbus. You don’t get girls to fuck on camera in real life for 150.00 they know they can come to me and get 5X that or more.

There is no room in this biz anymore for guys that don’t even know the fucking basics of exposure and direction. Look around, he is looking to compete with Red Light District, Hustler and others who will eat his fucking lunch.

Now explain to me exactly why I should just roll over and GIVE this guy knowledge that I paid very well for, not to mention my time and all that shit, its an insult to me to even ask…provided I thought he was serious.

If he is really serious he will enroll at Atlanta Art Institute or someplace and get an education on that which he professes to wish to do.

I bet dollars to doughnuts he hasn’t even spoken to an attorney, which is the FIRST fucking thing he better do in this town.

BTW allow me to educate you…Jamie Gillis (On The Prowl), Ed Powers (Bus Stop Tales) and Ugly George were doing EXACTLY that shit back in the 80’s. Which reminds me of a little more advice….at least have the fucking decency to educate yourself on the industry you wish to become a “professional” in…jeez….


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OK Y’all Hep Me Out:

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