I posted this as a public service for others, like Duc who are clueless to the art of going to dinner with a chick.

Ok DUC, we need to talk. Look at me….Do I bear any resemblance whatsoever to Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise or whoever? But I routinely get girls who these guys would consider a trophy.

Pay attention here son and you might learn why.

We shared a three-layered chocolate cake. I found myself eating more than her. She had to remind me not to finish it off. There was a strawberry on top. Without thinking, I picked it up and put it in my mouth. Before I chewed on it, I realized I had done something wrong.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve asked you first,” I mumbled with the berry in my mouth, before I crunched it.

DUC you should be paying attention to her not her fucking strawberry shortcake. You aren’t as dumb as you pretend, if she wants to share it she will offer you a bite, otherwise order your own.

I do that a lot. Once a woman wanted to sample my soup. After I finished my bowl, I looked at her, remembered her request, and said, “Oops.”

OK , goofball when she asks you, you put your spoon in your soup and you feed her a taste, right then and there.

Other observations about dating and dining:

* I always come to my decision on what to order five to ten minutes before her.

You only think you do pal, she is excersizing good manners and finding out what you are ordering before she makes a decision because she will not order something more expensive than what you order. If you want to, then make it very clear that she may order ANYTHING she wants, tell her yer a rich jew and money is no object if you want but unless you do she will order something equal or lower in price than you do.

* She’s (including David Poland) more likely to send something back.

More likely than who? You? If it isn’t right it SHOULD be sent back.

* She’s more likely to discuss the menu and to ask me what I’m getting. I rarely ask a woman what she’s getting. I don’t really care so long as it is not meat, particularly non-kosher meat, which grosses me out (but I rarely say that on a date, though I am getting more finicky as I age).

Ok read above and you know why she is asking you, and if you weren’t such a fucking clutz you would ask her what it is she would like. Do you know why? It is because YOU should order for her, In the most polite circles a female should NEVER address a server. Learn yerself some manners boy!

* Women rarely order alcohol on a date with me because I don’t drink.

You seem to notice all of this but the logic just escapes you doesn’t it? They are polite, they look to you to set the tone. If it bothers you order a glass of wine and only take a sip or two, hell wine is cool with jews…drink Manashevitz or however ya spell it

* I usually eat more. I dig in, finish first, and clean my plate. Women are much more delicate and dainty in their approach and they usually leave food behind on their plate.

It isn’t a job Luke, its a freakin date, take your time, enjoy it. get her to talk about herself, don’t talk about yourself unless she asks, don’t preach or moralize keep it light.

* I always make a joke or some introductory remark before escorting a woman for the first time to a ride in my van. Some women say that’s because I’m self conscious and embarrassed about my vehicle. I say with Dennis Prager that if there’s an 800-pound gorilla in the room, you acknowledge it.

Finally you do something that’s probably right. point out that you are going to drive that van till the wheels roll off then you will abandon it on the side of the road and go buy another one.

* Women are usually late when you pick them up. You agree on a time, say 7PM. I always arrive on time. It’s usually 7:15PM before we get away. I think this is a power trip. Women like to test you early on to see if you are a wimp who will wait around on them and let them abuse you. So I always bring a book to read while I wait.

Dude they are expected to be 5-15 minutes late deal with it…factor it in.

I should start bringing it on a date for those long awkward pauses while she studies the menu like it is a Torah, goes to the bathroom for ten minutes,

Bad idea Luke, unless you want to remain single your whole life. If you engage her in conversation there arent any long awkward pauses. And do you stand up when she rises to go to the restroom, and again when she returns? Show a little respect dude.

or worst of all, talks on her cell phone. I hate it when a woman takes a call on her cell during a date. I think it’s highly disrespectful of me (unless it is a life and death emergency). I’m about ready to bolt the date as the minutes go by while she chats on her cell phone. But then again, I figure she has to put up with a lot from me – my sarcasm, dumpy van and hovel, narcissism, misanthropy, finicky eating habits, interesting choice of subjects to write about.

heres how ya handle the cell phone situation. You take yours out, you lay it on the table and you make it obvious that you have turned it off. You even tell her that you have no desire to have your time with her disturbed by some idiot with a story you just have to run right now or whatever. Now she may not be able to do the same, maybe she has kids or whatever but she will get the hint and all but the most important calls will go unanswered, as yours should.

* I should always ask first what type of restaurant the woman would like to go to before heading out with her to my favorite vegetarian place.

Only if you would like to date her again sometime.

tell me DUC has any chick other than Lynne Lopatin (shudder) ever dated you more than once?