Happy Birthday to me!
Today Goddess is guest writing my column for me so I can take my birthday off:
As you know today is a Holy Day of Obligation aka The General’s birthday. (That’s a little joke for all you Catholics, and I’m sure there’s a lot of Catholics reading porn sites.) You know it’s Mike’s birthday because it’s hard to miss that big flashy picture with his big flashy mug on it above. What you don’t know is that The General is out spending all the birthday money his mom gave him on cheap whores-which I hear are the best kind–and he asked me to ink his column. I can only assume Tim wasn’t available.
So while South is out getting some bang for his buck, I’ve sneaked a peek at his list of New Year’s Resolutions, that I fully intend to share with you, thus ridiculing Mike in the process, all the while calling it “a column.”
These are his New Year’s resolutions and MY translations for those of you who don’t speak “South”:
1. Learn to control my temper. No more threatening people with Brian Ciancio awards or slapping their pics on porn flake boxes when they screw up? Yeah, and South’s a virgin.
2. Exercise daily. Preferably this means something other than his mouth, which is the one part of his body that already follows a rather strenuous daily work out routine.
3. Improve people skills. Find a way to charm more chicks to charm other chicks into his bed. If you know The General, you know what that means.
4. NO MORE FACIALS!! OMG, I can’t believe he-oh wait, he added “or mud masks.” Damn.
5. Stop being so egotistical. He’ll be egotistical when he’s knocking on the Pearly Gates. “Don’t lie, Pete. You know damn well Jesus has been expecting me. He’s been saving me the seat to the right of Him, thank you.”
6. Be kind to animals. He’s gonna take the time knock ’em unconscious before he batter dips and fries ’em.
7. Lead a monogamous life. BWAHAHAHA… okay I added that one just to see how funny it would look on South’s list of priorities. Admit it…you laughed.
8. Practice listening more than talking. I’m buying stock in the duct tape industry RIGHT NOW.
9. Stop speaking ill of others. Well, there goes his whole damn column. Not to mention a good chunk of his social conversation.
10. Learn to like myself. Oh puhleeze. The man gets a woody every time he looks at his own reflection.
11. Learn to swing dance. I ain’t touchin’ that one.
12. Get involved in team sport. Mmmm, must be either gangbangs or bukkakes cuz he sure ain’t talking football or basketball.
13. To be faithful. To what?! Ho’ing? Carousing? Never settling down?
14. To stop waiting for others to live my life. And get me hookers. And write my columns.
15. Revamp my wardrobe. Wardrobe? Since when is a t shirt and jeans a WARDROBE??? Course this is a guy who thinks his living room couch is a porn “set” soooo…Ooooh, maybe he’s gonna buy some COLORED t’s. That’ll really liven things up.
16. To remain humble and teachable forever. ROTFLMAO.
17. To help complete strangers when they need it. More pity sex with the homely, chubby girls. Bigger tips at the strip clubs.
18. To ALWAYS wear condoms. Me again. Hey, somebody’s gotta worry about that boy.
19. To control my wandering eyes. And hands. And lips. And legs. And cock.
20. Take a spiritual retreat. This is code for “visit a nude beach” just in case his mom finds this list.
