Bill Maher’s New Rules For 2006 (AMEN! To Every Damn One)

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a
reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless
you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you’re a grown man , they’re pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your
flavored water.
New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the SocialSecurity crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one
NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount,
deciding,no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating myAlmond
Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And
it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not
spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already
doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”
New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&M. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms,
I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.

So Now Some New Rules For Porn:

New Rule: Potential Pornchicks, If you “Only Do Girl/Girl” Spare us. Go get a job as a teacher at an all girl school someplace to indulge yourself.

New Rule: Gaping, please stop it. Nobody looks at a girl with an open ass or pussy big enough to hide Ron Jeremy in and reaches an orgasm.

New Rule: Ass to mouth, it looks retarded and un-natural in the scene, plus if you get off on seeing a girl eat shit…well you are a sick mother fucker to begin with, seek help someplace.

New Rule: Tera is a hot girl but if it comes out of her mouth…fact check it. If she says she is female, fact check it, there has been enough Bull Shit from her to fertilize the entire tomato crop of Mexico. She was never a nurse, she was never a Ford Model, She was never in a plane crash, her father wasnt in a plane crash, her father doesn’t own any part of Kendall Jackson Winery, She doesn’t own a Llama farm and she was never a Penthouse Pet of the Year… amoung others.

New Rule: Can we drop the “Doctor” and “PhD” nonsense with regard to Sharon Mitchell? I’m sure she means well but a diploma from a dimestore school with no acreditation is not a PhD nor does it make you a doctor. What it makes you is a moron who paid too much money for a diploma that has the same value as one from any number of email spams that could have given you the same thing for 9.99 .

New Rule: Adell, Dusty and KatyZ, OK I don’t know what the rule is but I somehow felt I shouldn’t leave them out.