For Real

Maybe it’s the holiday thing – I don’t think so –  but I’m feeling a little sentimental. I mean, I’m feeling a bit benevolent and I want to impart some real food for thought on this pre-holiday day.

We all (in the industry), write about our work; what makes us happy, what makes us sad, what should be better, why the rest of the world is ridiculously shallow and inept. I was reading about Jenna Jameson’s Oprah Winfrey appearance and I had a thought, ‘What if we just stopped caring what the mainstream media thought about us?’ I had this scenario pass through my mind afterwards:

The prepared reporter approaches her porn subject with story in mind and asks something simple, but the rat on the wheel fails to perform and instead turns around and says, “Who are you? Get away from me!”

What if we didn’t care that “regular” people got us? Mainstream people, “normal” people, non-adult people? What if we weren’t chasing success and gratification through these means? Everyone wants to be successful at something. Adult industry people are successful! All the success-chasing leads to more corruption than anything else! I’ve learned a few things about “successful” people of the world. They are cheap, they rape you and your children, they don’t give an inch or care about you beyond what you can do for them, and they are the most powerful people on the planet! You want to be successful? You want to be someone in the public eye that people stare at and devour? Be prepared to lose your dignity and everything that really matters to you. Look at Jenna Jameson… the adult industry’s beloved Jenna Jameson… She has had as much plastic surgery as Joan Rivers because she is shallow and insecure, she hates being tied to her twins (got that from an inside source), and she is cheap. She runs up tabs all over town and she threatens the establishment she abuses with bad press if they dare to try and tag her with the bill. This is what young girls want to be like? They want to be fake, star-chasing leches that don’t take responsibility for their actions? That is a sad goal, I have to say!

Don’t get me wrong, I respect Jenna as a female of the industry, but I don’t see her heart in anything she does. I am sick of her being called an author. She reiterated her story to an actual writer who put her story in written and sellable form. She can talk and hold her own, but her actions are just as tedious and insipid as any lowly “successful” person, and if that is what success is, I want no part of it.

I don’t think this industry needs anyone’s validation. The only validation one ever needs is their own. Whether you’re being “saved” by a failed whore, or you’re staring up the skirt of a “made” whore who’d just assume shit on you while your down there, what counts is what you have beating under your breast plate. If you don’t have a heart, you have nothing! I would like to see an industry that does not chase approval, but instead takes inventory of it’s own and weeds out the lowlifes and rewards the people who really accomplish something. Our industry is no better than the mainstream industry if we only exalt the glitter and falsity of flash and power. We get no respect whatsoever because we are constantly trying to emulate losers! Porn gets some acknowledgment because it’s so widespread now, but that is an empty accomplishment if we don’t have some dignity and standards of our own to impart  to the fake world we so wish to be apart of!

And so comes my heart’s unveiling… I don’t like to reveal too much, but it is Thanksgiving, and I know the Native American Indians gave all they had and got a knife in the chest for their effort. I don’t mind bearing it in the same way, I guess. I certainly have in other ways…

Peace of mind does not come without work. Calm of the mind does not happen without effort. You can’t sit around on your ass and expect an epiphany to save you. You must work at it! You have to know your own mind. Laziness does not pay off, in this regard. If you want to be happy in your life, in your mind, you have to think about what you are doing, you have to pay attention to yourself. It is a gift, but you have to work at it. Think for yourself. Start right now. Why not? Don’t hesitate to be your own person. You don’t need ridiculous people to look up to. You are important as you are, and no one needs to validate you, as you are. This life is just like anything else, it’s just a bump in the road. You, are forever, and you need to think that way. If our lives lasted for hundreds of years, the way we think and feel, we would be wise. How many times can a person go through the same damn thing before they realize all the tediousness in acting and reacting too harshly, and hurting people. If we lived for four hundred years, we wouldn’t care about the little things. We would care about the bigger  and more important things… like love, and kindness, and setting a good example for each other and our children… and honesty. Above all things, honesty. That would mean more than all the temporary things that come and go so often and effortlessly in our silly, temporary little lives.

I’m being emotional, but I’m tired of reading redundant things about why we like social climbers and yet are mad at them for not mentioning the actual people who make a difference, blah, blah, blah! I appreciate you, and I hope you appreciate me, but more importantly, I hope you appreciate yourself, because I am not going to lose a wink of fucking sleep if you don’t appreciate me. I have all the self-esteem I need here. I am incredible whether you recognize it or not.

I am fine with the adult industry. I’d like to see a day when it is fine with itself. Happy Fucking Thanksgiving.

– Julie Meadows

Then the morning comes…

If I can stop laughing, I can start writing…

First of all, thanks to those who responded to my extremely raw post, minus the one person who goes by a false name. I’m actually going to critique this post because I wrote it while I was drinking last night, and while it’s punk rock and I actually really I like it, I should clarify a few things.

Writing has been my medium of choice since I was thirteen. My writing will never be as raw as it was back then, or even as raw as it was five years ago, but that’s because I run most of the things I write through several filters, first. And I often write while I’m drinking, I just don’t usually hit the”publish” button. I hit “save” and then clean it up the next day. I’m not a huge proponent of drinking and writing, necessarily, but I drink and I also write, so they do collide from time-to-time. What can I say? I’m my father’s daughter and a Texas gal, and I don’t mind being a drinker or an asshole, though I do usually try not to take it out on others.

Obviously, this post is about me, and no one else, really. It’s about my feelings and convictions. The accusations are irresponsible, and I don’t have proof of any of it. And even if I had proof, I wouldn’t use it. I really don’t want to create waves as a way to get attention, I just have a lot of feeling and my thoughts didn’t seem that abrasive at the time. lol! And no, I don’t particularly like Miss Jameson, but I don’t know what she’s actually like because I don’t know her. I can guess most things are probably not far off the mark, and I can express that I hope they are off the mark, but facts are facts and those things should always be presented appropriately. I don’t like people who just bash other people, so that part is disappointing, even if it is true. I did mean to use her as my example, and that brings me to the next thing:

My personal responsibility as a writer has always been to never let the subterfuge of details and examples override the core point. I can usually gloss over the details enough so that they aren’t what the reader trips over. The point is an easy and comprehensive ride to speak my heart through words, not to let it get lost in the sea of details, and not to be a hypocrit going on and on about integrity while I name-call. I don’t think our industry should care so much to attain success in the mainstream world when so many of it’s successful people seem to be questionable. Not all are questionable, but I’ve met so many douche bags that people want to be like just because they have money, or some notoriety. And it’s like Jenna is above criticism just because our delicate little world is so easily pricked by the outsiders that when one person succeeds, no matter how awful they may actually be as a person, we feel we have to root for them, anyway. No, you don’t know someone just because you’ve seen them on television. Be your own role model, or find someone real that you know to look up to.

I was actually trying to say something positive in my own unfiltered way, but I woke up this morning and my eyes just about popped out of my head when I remembered what I’d written. My thought process went something like, ‘Lydia!! You bitch! What is wrong with you?? You are funny, though…’ I’m still giggling about it because it’s so damn obnoxious, but it is everything I meant to get across, just with a lot of extra passion I would not have normally expressed, which sort of makes me sad to say, actually… Hmm… Anyway, not every successful person is a user and abuser. I know successful people who are good and kind, but goodness and kindness is usually it’s own reward. It’s usually not rewarded by others. Try breaking up a fight between a husband and wife when he’s being abusive to her. She’s usually the one that bites first.

I’d like to find a way to write more passionately, the way that I do when I’m drinking. I’m so honest in that state and usually get a kick out of what comes out. The last time I d-n-w’ed I deleted it the very next morning. I still regret having deleted it because it was so interesting! Writing has always been my primary means for self-exploration, so maybe I should play with the filtered/unfiltered writing styles in the future, though probably not on Mike’s time. 😀

I like raw writing, but I also like to make real points that bring people together, not push them apart. I always learn something new about myself when I write, so I’ll take this as a productive lesson and interesting look at myself. Who I turn into when I’m drinking is like living with an evil twin. “Happy Fucking Thanksgiving”???