Do I Really Dislike Jenna Jameson So Much?

I’m tackling my judgmental side lately because I’m attempting to, little-by-little, boil my personality down to it’s simplest and most essential layers. I’m fascinated by what jumped out of me three weeks ago when I drank and went on a tangent about Jenna Jameson and how the industry doesn’t need to please anyone but itself, blah, blah, blah… I was going to revisit the topic several times but it didn’t feel right. I was forcing it, at that point, and it felt false. I have to write something about it now because I really surprised myself and I have to know where this venom comes from. I have to know if it was just the liquor talking or if I actually harbor some sort of deep-seeded resentment toward this woman.

Until I wrote what I did, I never spent time thinking about Jenna Jameson. I hear things, but that doesn’t mean anything. In fact, I have a friend who confessed that she is fairly obsessed with Jenna and the things she does, and it took everything I had to keep from saying, “Why?” I mean, life’s too short to be obsessed with someone you don’t know, but my friend is a sweetie, so I didn’t say anything. My friend is also pretty close to Jenna’s caliber of success in this industry, and from the same era, so I’m sure she is just comparing herself, in that regard. It doesn’t bother me that Jenna’s popular. I feel no jealousy. I’m happy for anyone who finds success, and truth is, I have a great deal of respect for her for being strong and industrious enough to get as far as she has, so I know it’s not that. There is the writing snob thing, but it’s not that, either. So, what the hell is it, then?!

My Dad was a cop. Actually, he was a good cop, which is a rare thing and an important distinction from just being “a cop”. He didn’t become a police officer so he could wield a gun, he became a police officer because he has a deep sense of justice coursing through his veins. He is a good man, but he tends to expect a little too much from everyone around him. Nothing and no one is quite good enough. I suppose that’s because he could never please his own father.

I hold everyone around me to a certain standard, especially myself, even if I fall short from time to time. I hold women from the industry up to a very high standard. I’m sure it sounds crazy, but I expect sex industry women to be more elevated than any other kind of woman, especially the more popular ones. In my mind, it’s akin to the gay man who anticipates discrimination and therefore goes above and beyond what is “normal” in intelligence, taste and decorum in order to prove that he is just as worthy, if not more so, than any other man when it comes to what he deserves from a society that can gain a lot from knowing him, that can grow from being near him. It’s probably too lofty, but I think women from the sex industry have many hurtles to jump in proving that “Sex Industry Worker” does not equate to “Idiot” and “Home Wrecker” and “Degenerate”. It’s not enough to be articulate, she should also be philosophical. To me the sex worker should be cognizant of any possible ignorance in a way that is charming and pulls people towards her. She should be self-effacing, should show humility and should be easy to laugh at herself, and easy to laugh with others at what would appear to be her shortcomings in such a way that highlights how evolved she is as a human being. Gay men have it right. They find a way to set you at ease, to gloss over the falsities people assume about them and ultimately win you over with their unselfconscious honesty and the depth of their compassion.  In essence, today’s sex worker should resemble the courtesans of old – women who were expected to not only know every secret of the bedroom, but to also be able to carry on an intelligent, even-tempered and engaging conversation. She should be perfect, which is an incredible standard, to be sure.

I do have a few strong opinions when it comes to Jenna, but only because people look up to her. It’s the same sort of things I would point out about Shelley Lubben. If you’re going to put yourself out there, try to exude some diplomacy, set an example. You are representing an industry that is severely misunderstood in ways. Don’t act typical. It’s tacky to say in a public setting that someone you slept with has a small penis. I guess that’s what Jenna said about an ex of hers. It’s the one thing that men are sensitive about and can’t help and I think it’s cruel to divulge such information. Someone once said to me that they watched a show where a groupie from the 70’s named a certain famous person as having the smallest penis she’d ever come across and I was devastated, not because I’m a super-fan or anything, it’s just that that’s not the sort of information I want standing out in my mind when I think about someone whose music I like. It seems so unnecessary to know that. The only thing that made me feel better was thinking that maybe she had such a large vagina, that by another woman’s standards, the man’s penis was actually average. I felt better for him and could, finally, put “it” out of my mind. I also think that if any industry has built you up and made you a success you shouldn’t put it down. I have a bitter chip on my shoulder for people who denounce an industry that has helped to make them successful. A bitter chip… And therein lies the problem. I have so many bitter chips buried deep down inside that I can’t count them anymore. They don’t usually surface, but they do surface. I have one for every person who’s let me down in my life. My ex-husband, an ex-lover, ex-best friends, authority figures… But did they let me down, or did I let myself down by expecting too much from them? And at what point do chips fall away? How does the pristine standard of perfection equate to reality, and then to happiness? Aren’t we all a work in progress? Don’t we all deserve a little understanding? Where is the laughter found in fault-finding? Dad, I love you, and as hard as I try, I can’t find anything comforting about seeing the flaws in other people. Fault-finding has led me to beat myself up when I could have been having fun and embracing life’s “imperfections”. The idea of perfection doesn’t replace the warmth of human affection. The fact is, we are all full of flaws. You were always angry and I am in danger of becoming just like you if I don’t do something different. Judgment is a slippery thing. We need it in order to assert ourselves to the world around us, but it can be an ugly beast when we let it get away from us. Too much of that and we find that we’ve eliminated any room for error, and therefore, any room for compassion. Too much of that and we find ourselves perfectly… alone. Incredible that too much thinking can lead you to think that perfection is this finite thing you can point at, but in reality, it can only be found in bending a little, and forgiving… a lot.

Can I turn “dislike” into “disagree”? I guess the trick is learning when to use judgment in constructive ways, while not letting it use me. Everyone needs to be held accountable for their actions, especially when they gain notoriety, but it can be done from a compassionate place. It doesn’t have to be bitter. It doesn’t have to be mean. I expect to be put in my place when I’m wrong. I expect nothing less. 😀

– Julie Meadows