It used to be a beautiful world and although I can’t say that I’ve enjoyed every moment of it, I have experienced some incredible moments. Moments so intensely beautiful that there’s a temptation to say, “I could die a happy man”. But, maybe it’s selfishness and maybe it’s greed, I want to live and experience more, as many as humanly possible, of these wonderful moments.
That way when I do die and I have no delusions that I will indeed die one day, I want to meet my maker knowing that I haven’t wasted my life; knowing that I have taken his gift, cherished it, tested its limitations, played with it with a passion and curiosity that only comes from appreciation and wracked up a multitude of experiences in this exciting and nerve-wracking adventure called “Life.”
You get one time around… One roll of the dice… One walk through the garden… One quick look at life… The time that you loose Can never be found… The world keeps turning… You get one time around – Michelle Wright
My childhood was rough because I grew up in a gutter, located between a freight train’s tracks and an ore processing plant. My walk to school involved inhaling toxic fumes while ignoring signs of domestic abuse and alcoholism, as I scrambled through a hole in a fence to cross the tracks. I was literally the kid from the other side of the tracks, who dreamed of a better life… in the ghetto.
Like so many others who were in my situation, I couldn’t wait to put as much distance between myself and my childhood as possible. Today’s 40 to 50-year-olds lived through more economic downtime than the Great Depression of the 1930s and witnessed more war and conflicts than any other generation in history. But Friedrich Nietzsche said, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” and very often it teaches you to appreciate the adventure that life is.
A college graduate, like millions of others, my hope was that a good education would get me a decent job. Unfortunately, in the era of “white males need not apply”, I would have been better off with a McJob started in high school than going to college.
Not only would I have avoided debt, but I would have moved up to management, and be in the position to hire, the new college grads, floundering around to keep the creditors at bay. All the promised good jobs were controlled by baby boomers, demanding that their asses be kissed, and hiring for the prestigious, lucrative positions, their own kids straight out of high school; leaving us to literally clean up their shit, or face unemployment.
Face the facts, Covid is a baby boomer-created cluster fuck, though they’re never going to admit any wrongdoing or release control to anyone who’s not exactly the same as them.
Having to deal with student loan payments, in desperation I became a stripper, in gay clubs because I just wasn’t buff enough for the ladies circuit. Let’s face it, I couldn’t afford the gym memberships or the supplements at the time.
The Stones once have sung, “You can’t always get what you want But if you try sometimes, well, you might find, You get what you need.” This experience was far from a highlight in my life, but it was pivotal. I learned to really rely on myself, to set my own rules of conduct, and pushed open the door to the adult industry which has sustained me ever since.
Fear will not stop you from dying but it will stop you from living.
We always have to try and try and even try some more. The game of life is only truly over when you’re in a box and someone is throwing dirt on top of you. So until that day comes, we need to accept the fact we’re here for the ride. Like a dog, we might as well hang our heads out the car window and enjoy it. You may get bugs in your teeth, but what the fuck, that’s an adventure too.
I’ve had sex with some incredibly beautiful women and made love to more than my fair share too. I’ve watched sunsets on the Mediterranean sea, had a picnic on an active volcano, and made a pilgrimage to Mecca. I’ve eaten things so revolting, you have to be crazy or on the verge of starvation to get them down, and I’ve shared meals comprised of mystery ingredients I can’t even pronounce. Real porn theaters died out in the early 1980s, but I found one of the last surviving silver screens, (Le Beverley) and got to see my films enjoyed by a packed audience. I’ve drank with Holocaust survivors, and been a paid gigolo for a European royal couple. It hasn’t always been good times, but hardships give one perspective and make the great times awe-inspiring.
Fear is an insidious and deadly thing. It can warp judgment, freeze reflexes, breed mistakes. Worse, it’s contagious. – James Stewart
My apologies if my trip down memory lane looks like I’m gloating. I know that for some people life can be brutally hard, and when we don’t get stronger, we die. But you can’t stop trying, because living in fear is giving up. You need to accept the fact that bad things are going to happen and all the masks, vaccines, and health passes in the world will never change that. No one and nothing can protect you, including governments.
It’s an incredibly beautiful world, that everyone should have the opportunity to experience. The only way that’s going to happen is to stop living in fear. The government is not your friend…. Big Pharma is not your friend…. The media is not your friend and the Internet is NOT the real world. So stop listening to them and go out, take a chance on enjoying some of it and start living your life again.
Because once you’re in the grave, it’s over.
