My 2013 Porn Star of the Year

By: Lacey Blake

I never planned on naming a top porn star for 2013. To be completely honest, the decision happened kind of ass-backwards. There I was just lounging around in bed watching TV when a commercial came on for some VH1 reality show. Not just any reality show, but one that was stupid enough to cast the one and only delusional fame whore known as Farrah Abraham.

After 3 or 4 attempts of getting on the show, it seems Ms. Abraham finally found another fake boyfriend to get her onto the show. I swear some of these PR scams are really getting boring. It’s the same fucking shit every time. Here’s an idea: Mix it up a little. At least it would make it a little more fun. I’m assuming the show couldn’t get Deen again? Watching 2 people in therapy fighting over a fake “sex tape” would have been unbelievably entertaining.

I decided to look up the show online primarily to see which PR bullshit scam they were trying to pull this time. It was the same stupid PR scam as before. A photographer was called to take candid shots of them posing for the requisite fake pictures of them as a “couple” just walking around holding hands and hugging each other. Then it was time to concoct the most important part of any PR scam: The fake bullshit story. It seems they spoke numerous times in order to get the fake story just right to fool as many people as possible. But, something went wrong? Or, maybe this was part of the plan? I don’t know? I don’t really fucking care either. Once the show was about to start taping, the “boyfriend” bailed citing morality issues. Or, more specifically, he felt guilty for continuing the Farrah Abraham exploitation cycle. How do you exploit someone who is too busy exploiting themselves? Damn, those fake-ass boyfriends who agree to publicity stunts and then suddenly grow a conscious are so fucking annoying.

I’ll admit it. This revelation actually did shock me a little bit. It’s true. How fucking pathetic do you have to be when someone is willing to get paid a relatively small amount of money to ACTUALLY fuck you, but you can’t find one person on earth who is willing to get paid a large sum of money for just PRETENDING to fuck you? Do you realize how fucking sad that is?

As I laid there cracking up laughing, my mind started racing with memories of the ridiculous bullshit known as the “Backdoor Teen Mom private leaked professionally shot sex tape porno.” I think I missed a few in there, but I couldn’t help remembering how much we learned from that PR clusterfuck:

1. You Can Actually Sell Something You Don’t Own –
It’s true! If you can type up a press release then you too can buy and sell whatever you want. All this actually proves is that no one on earth even gives a shit anymore. So, how do you determine the selling price? It really doesn’t fucking matter. Just throw numbers out there and see what people are willing to believe:
Vivid Entertainment says the tape was bought from Farrah for $1 million. Farrah says she received $1.5 million for her exclusively private “sex tape.” At this point posing by an expensive rented sports car, which costs way more than you actually made on the tape, ensues. Finally, we hear an up-front payment of $10,000 with a 30% cut off the back from Fox News. I’m not sure how accurate that is, but at least now we’re getting closer to the correct answer. It would be a good idea for everyone involved to come up with the same fake selling price before doing any press. It might make the story just a little more believable?

2. Being Referred to as a “Retard” is a Bad Sign –
If someone is willing to get paid to have sex with you and risks calling you a “retard” then they’re not being paid enough. Seriously. (This obviously doesn’t apply if you’re actually into that kind of thing.) It shouldn’t be that surprising, but most people who are willing to accept cash to have sex with you don’t make it a habit of personally insulting you. They generally wouldn’t risk losing that much work. Also, opening soft drink cans results in additional charges. There’s no need for bitchy little hissy fits. More money should fix both of these situations.

3. How to Make a Human Petri Dish of Shit & Germs –
I should mention that I lost the correct order somewhere along the way, but it includes the following:
Ass-to-mouth.
Mouth-to-Vagina.
Vagina-to-Ass.
Ass-to-mouth-to-Vagina-to-mouth-to-ass.
Vagina-to-ass-to-mouth-to-ass-to-vagina.
Repeat… as necessary.

4. Always Hire a Babysitter –
You should never bring your young child to a porn shoot. I’ve always assumed this was common fucking sense, but obviously I was wrong. The general public breathed a huge sigh of relief when the news came that Farrah’s 4-year-old daughter was not present during the filming of her personal “sex tape.” The fact that a press release needed to be issued by like 3 different people confirming this fact is so fucking bizarre that I don’t even have the words to describe it.

For future reference, if you’re smart enough to leave your father and young daughter at home during your “negotiation meetings” at a porn company then this probably wouldn’t even be an issue.

5. Pregnancy Tests are Really Complicated –
Most women know how fun it is to get all dressed up for a night out on the town and head over to the local pharmacy to get some tabloid pictures taken. If you really want to have some fun then don’t forget to stand around for 20 minutes reading the boxes while debating which pregnancy test is the best choice. Your other option is to go on a talk show, get a FREE pregnancy test and then get the exciting results in front of a live studio audience. Oh, don’t forget to bring your parents along… no comment.

To be completely honest, if you’ve pushed another human being out of your vagina and have to actually read a pregnancy test box, you’re obviously not intelligent enough to have sex in the first place.

6. Farrah Abraham is NOT a Porn Star –
No shit, really? Not only has she stated this fact over 80 times at random porno conventions while signing autographs, but she also makes it a point to not “dress sexy” and wears real pearl necklaces just to prove that she IS NOT a true porn star. None of this really matters though because there is solid proof in the video that proves she is definitely NOT a porn star.

It all starts at the very beginning of the video when Abraham excitedly tells Deen “You’re cumming in me later.” To which Deen replies “I’m down with that.” Ok. We’re getting into some hardcore dirty talk. Slow it down a little, you fucking perverts. I guess she got caught up in the moment because, just as any professional porn star would do, she takes a full facial. This is the exact point where she proves just how much she sucks at being a proper porn star. After taking a shot to the face, she quickly turns around and wipes the generous gift right off her face with a god damn pillow. Really? What the fuck? Did that really just happen? She just wasted a perfectly good money shot. I can’t remember exactly, but I think Deen actually called her out on this? I’d go back and check, but I can’t watch that fucking video again. It was physically hard to watch the first time.

So, after all of these thoughts raced through my head at lightening speed, my mind drifted to one porn star: Manuel Ferrara. As I admitted earlier, this decision was completely ass-backwards. But, I felt strongly that his decision to originally turn down the co-starring role in the Farrah Abraham “sex tape” was so insightful that it should be acknowledged. It had to be one the best decisions of the year and is the exact reason for naming Manuel Ferrara as my 2013 Porn Star of the Year.  BRAVO!!!

~Lacey Blake
@Lacey4653