Cards, Anyone?

Awww, I’m touched by the comment South posted when he asked me to update this weekend: “we only want you to be you. Feel free to write about cops. We love hearing about them as much as you love yakking about them.”

You know who pisses me off? Stephen Baldwin.

Clever losers like Stephen Baldwin have ruined it for not so clever losers like me.

Here’s my problem: I can’t get a job because I basically want to lay around all day watching reality tv and insulting people on reality tv. I could never admit that, despite the fact that I just did. No, I need a “card”, because today, the name of the game is “How To Avoid Personal Responsibility!”

I’m not fat enough to play the weight card since I am still capable of using my legs to get around. (I don’t bother though. That’s why God invented Hoveround.) Another test to see if you’re “not fat enough” is whether or not you can walk through WalMart without getting winded or riding one of those public transportation scooters.

I’m white, so I can’t play the race card.

I’m straight, so I can’t play the gay card.

I’m a blonde female, so I can’t play the mentally incompetent card.  (I tried.)

What card is left for someone like me?

Enter Stephen Baldwin, true genius.

Yeah, bet you never thought you’d hear those words in the same sentence, did ya?

Stephen has racked up a lot of debt through the years and now he’s claiming he can’t find work because he’s CHRISTIAN. That’s right, he’s not admitting that he’s a third rate actor riding on his brother’s coat tails, who lived beyond his means, can’t manage his finances and is now looking for a free ride. Noooo, he’s playing….THE JESUS CARD!! Step aside so the lightening doesn’t strike you.

Just call Stephen “Ballsy McBallserson Balldwin”.

In an article on his religion, Baldwin said, “Do you know what that calling is?  To stand up in a new and hard core, radical way for the Lord. In the process, if I insult a couple of people, if I offend a couple of people, and if I got to shake it up a little bit, as long as it is led by the Holy Spirit, amen.”

And if I can get rich idiots to pay my bills while I preach the Gospel according to Stephen, amen.

The “All That Know Him” movement has decided that poor Stephen needs help because he’s basically being persecuted for being a Christian in today’s world. They even go so far as to compare him to Job. (That’s “Job” from the Bible, not “job”, which is what I’m actively looking to avoid while still collecting an income.) The “Restoration of Stephen Baldwin” website wants YOU–the people who do work and manage their finances responsibly–to donate to help “restore” Stephen’s “career”.

What career?! The only career Stephen had was being actor Alec’s younger brother and the son of a breast cancer survivor with a breast cancer foundation that gets attention because her son Alec was an actor.

Now here’s the ironic thing about this whole movement: this movement want to “restore” Stephen’s millions so that he can preach to Hollywood because “Hollywood worships money and without it you are seen as a loser and cannot be an effective influence to this group.” Good thing Jesus never hung out with His carpenter crowd in Hollywood. They soooo would have laughed at Him because of His lack of fundage. So to sum it all up, Stephen needs money to preach to those with money that God is all that matters. Wonder how much Alec has donated to this worthy cause?

You know who I blame for my current situation?

My siblings.

Not one of those lazy phuckers became famous. Insurance agent? Collections agent? Bank teller? Janitor? Puhleeze! If even one of those jackasses had bothered to become a celeb, I would be sucking fame’s hind teat right now. I would be selling my very soul—and my sibling’s fabricated “true” life story—to the National Enquirer so that I could continue to lay on the couch, watch tv, eat and pay my bills.

So now I ask you: WHAT CARD CAN I PLAY?!

UPDATE: Just after I published this, I saw a story about a woman who was fired from her job at Citibank for being “too attractive”. She said everything about her was “so distracting”. I think I just found my card!! Hmm, wonder if I can get disability for that….