WELL HE WROTE ME A LETTER, SAID HE COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT ME NO MORE

I got this email from Mike South last night: “My Dearest Goddess, Awesome day offshore. We got out about 3PM and got back right at 8 with over 200 lbs of red snapper, black snapper, amberjack and I got a huge grouper. All in all a great day…will try to get ya some pics. P.S. I love you.” Those are Mike’s exact words. Well, I did add some punctuation, capitalization, a beginning and an ending, but other than that, those are Mike’s exact words. Now to the untrained eye, you might think that was an email about fish, fish, and even more stinky dead fish. But to a woman in lust, it was so much more. It was a declaration of love. See how he thinks of me even when he’s out on the Pacific…no, Indian…okay, which ocean is near Florida again? I get confused. Anywho, ’tis a sexy woman indeed who can lure a man from the sea. I know he was thinking of me all day. I’ll bet he was thinking, “Damn, I heart Goddess. Where would I be without her?” Well, it was either that or, “I swear to God, if she fucks up my website while I’m gone, I’m gonna hunt Goddess down like a dog and kill her.” BTW, who is the hottie with Mike in this pic?! And I’m talking about the two legged hottie, not the damn fish.
When I agreed last week to update for Mike having absolutely NO EXPERIENCE using Dreamweaver, I knew I could only do it if I found myself a scapegoat. You know, somebody to blame if I FTP’eed all over myself. At first, I was going to blame this ass. If for no other reason than he thinks I’m more boring than Luke Ford. Truthfully, I don’t even think that’s possible, but South refused to give me Video Ed’s email addy. Then I thought, “hmm, who better to blame than my arch enemy?! The woman who stole my man: Cori Love!” But she’d probably give him a bj and all would be forgiven. Besides, he wouldn’t give me her email addy either. So I decided to settle on this man because he never got me that damn discounted car stereo at WalMart and because I’m still waiting on pictures for my Felicia Fox interview. If anything goes wrong while I’m updating, I’m blaming it all on TimCase.
You know when I told you Mike had a bunch of nude pics in his house? Well, I gotta say I have never seen a man with so many pics of HIMSELF. Yikes, they’re everywhere. The creepy part is the eyes in his pics follow you all around the room. The west wall of the bedroom is wall to wall Mike. And I don’t mean Mike with sexy women, I mean Mike with Mike with Mike. Oy.
The most fun I’ve had so far is going through South’s stuff. His bedside table drawer is stuffed full of hand cream and tissues. What the hell is that all about? He also has some books beneath the drawer: Little Women, Pimping Your Way to Wealth and Happiness, Quilting with Martha Stewart and How To Succeed In Life Without Really Working.
The first thing I did when I logged onto his computer was read all his private email and most importantly, I deleted all my email to him that he had saved. You and your lawyer can kiss that evidence goodbye, Mr. South, Sir! The second thing I did was email all the women in South’s addy book as him and told them that he has decided to stop all of his carousing. Third thing I did was delete all new email that began with the line, “Dear Mike, I am young and hot, and would love to have sex with you….”
I received this email from Joe: “Hey, Goddess. I saw your list of what you’d like to see more of in X vids on Mike South’s site. How do you feel about condoms?” For Pete’s sake, Joe, I have sixteen kids! How do you think I feel about condoms? They’re definitely not strong enough.