Three hundred sixty-five degrees

South thinks I’m not smart enough to figure out the REAL reason he’s suddenly hired all of these “contributors.” He told me it’s because they’re talented writers. At first, I thought that was the truth. Then I thought, “Wait a minute. Does he really expect me to believe writing for mikesouth.com requires talent? Is he forgetting *I’ve* written for this site?” No, I refuse to believe it has anything to do with talent or “growing”. What kind of New Age crap is that? The conspiracy theorist in me thinks it was done simply to keep me out of his house. And it all started with him getting WordPress. I should have known. He was way too excited about it.

He’s away this week and when I mentioned staying at his place for some R&R, he hemmed and hawed then said it wasn’t necessary since he had all these writers willing to work from home. YOU DUMB BASTARDS!!! I could be in Georgia right now.

My gf is convinced that it was something I said or did. Come on. If the whole “pig in his house” didn’t scare him, what would? I dug up our last IM conversation on the subject to see if I could discern the exact moment he jumped my Georgia vacation shark. BTW, if you’ve ever held an IM conversation with South, be warned, he saves EVERYTHING, and I’m not joking. You can’t successfully use the “I never said that!” defense with South because he will dig through every conversation you’ve ever had with him to prove you’re wrong. But mostly, to prove he’s right.

So here’s our conversation from last year, the last time I was “asked“ to stay at his place. See if you can find anything that might have turned him off. I certainly can’t:

South: “I’m goin fishin and I need you to take care of my place.”
Me: “Gasoline and a match. Got it.”
Oh, who hasn’t made the ‘burning down the house’ joke? Hell, Talking Heads wrote a whole song about it. Moving on…
South: “Here’s the rules: no visitors–”
Me: “I have a ton of friends who have been dying to see Georgia. They’re gonna love your place! Hey, can you hide all your porn and toss a few Bibles around the place? Most of my friends are God fearing. And they like better porn.”
Meh, I always insult his (lack of) taste. It’s tradition.
South: “No babies or pigs in the house–”
Me: “What about baby cows? Any restrictions on baby cows?”
That can‘t be it! Anyone who doesn’t think those big brown baby cow eyes are cute is a HORRIBLE PERSON! Or a veal lover…. Hey, should I be insulted he grouped my offspring in with swine?!
South: “No eating anywhere but the kitchen–”
Me: “ Kitchen? What the hell is a ‘kitchen‘?”
South: “No smoking in the house–”
Me: “Stop, drop and roll. Got it.”
South: “No drugs in the house–”
Me: “Perfect. My meth lab is mobile. BTW, where do you keep the emergency batteries? And could you stock up on a case of air freshener before you leave?”
South: “No getting nekkid on my kitchen counters–”
Me: “Again, what the hell is a ‘kitchen’?!”
South: “No snooping through my stuff—”
Me: “Eh, your stuff is boring anyway.”
South: “And no charging shit to my credit cards!”
Me: “WHAT?! Not even seasons 1 & 2 of ‘Saved By The Bell’ now out on DVD?”

His credit sucks anyway.
South: “Any questions about the rules?”
Me: “Ok, now just to clarify, you’re not saying that I can’t make S’mores with a blow torch, you’re not saying I can’t get naked on your leather couch and you’re not saying I can’t drink milk in the living room right from the baby cow’s teat, right?”
Well, that’s it. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I’ve been banished from Casa de South. But don’t worry, I have plenty of time on my hands. I will figure this out!

Wow. As if having a belly so big people think you’re pregnant isn’t bad enough….