Wow. The topics are getting so heavy lately. Thank God I’m self-absorbed or I might feel bad talking about my vibrator problems. Yes, in between stroking my gun, clinging to my Bible and being bitter, I enjoy masturbating here in the backwoods of PA.
My old vibrator died recently, and even though I’ve been horny, I’ve been loathe to replace it. Why? Because vibrators are like carnival grab bags. You never know what you’re going to get. You run the risk of being disappointed because, like the carnival grab bag, you can’t can open it and test the “prize” before you buy it. You’re stuck with it. What an incredibly clever rip off. Crap in a brown paper bag disguised as a “surprise”.
So there I was heaving and moaning and thinking lustful thoughts, when my vibrator stopped without warning. Oh, sure it was getting slower and yes, there were times I could have rubbed my clit with the box it came in and gotten off faster, but I pretended not to notice. For $39.95 and $12 shipping, I told myself my vibrator was having an “off day”.
Let me explain what it’s like for a vibrator to die on you in mid-stride in a way you guys can relate to. You’re laying in bed next to the female of your dreams. Your cock is hard and throbbing, and the pre-cum is oozing like lava from a volcano. You position yourself between her legs with the head of your cock poised to make entry between her pussy lips…..annnnnd your alarm clock goes off. You’re left with a throbbing, slippery cock. Oh, and did I mention both of your hands are in plaster casts because you broke them last week? Welcome to my world.
Plus, I made a huge mistake buying the Hitachi Wand, which is the primo deluxe vibrator. It’s like buying a Lamborghini in your teens. They’re all Pintos after that. It’s like having your first sexual encounter with the sexiest, most handsome man on the planet. After that, every man looks like Flava Flav….hopefully minus the stupid clock necklace.
Once I had a streak of vibrator bad luck and every vibrator I bought was slower than the one before. Talk about frustration. About the third time I walked into Rite Aid and screamed, “This isn’t doing a DAMN THING for my “back“! And my clit isn‘t too happy either!” they banned me from the store. Good times. Good times.
I accidentally did a smart thing–which is so often the case with me–by refusing to buy a new vibrator while my other one was still capable of performing. Use your vibrator till it grinds to a halt because after you’ve laid there screaming, “Come ON already! I could have gotten off faster with my grandpa!“ ANY vibrator feels good after that.
