Now that I’ve coaxed the chicklets outside to play in the Y2K bombshelter

I can finally write in peace. I could never understand why I let Mr. G talk me into having that thing built. Like I would want to spend anytime underground with 16 kids, a houseboy, my husband, two cats and a dog. Rolling naked in nuclear waste would be much less painful if you ask me. But now it makes a great playhouse. And if I need any emergency canned goods or bottled water, I always know where to find them.
I’m sure you realize the big fuck up with South’s updates would not have happened if *I* was staying his place. So I hope you are all busy emailing him and telling him that I should be allowed to STAY AT HIS CRAPPY HELLHOLE!!!
Gee. When I put it like that it doesn’t sound too appealing, does it?
When you email Mike, tell him you’d like the addy to his MySpace blog in which he tries to pass himself off as a 20 year old. I’ve read it. It’s sad.
He talks about his favorite characters on
The O.C., how school is a drag and how he has to sneak out of Mom’s house every afternoon at “420” for a “smoke,“ wink wink.
Oh, and don’t think I haven’t seen those pics of South roaming around Vegas wearing a VERY NICE shirt. I mention this because it’s the first time I’ve seen him in a very nice shirt, and because that shirt probably cost more than my gas to Georgia would have cost!! It’s good to have spies.
Luke Ford-ites call him their “Moral Leader”–ok truth be told Luke probably calls himself that,
but I think I shall now have to refer to South as “Our Immoral Leader” or “Our Abnormal Leader.” I think the later sums him up quite nicely. Any ideas?
Speaking of Our Immoral, Abnormal Leader, the other day I happened to recall the funniest joke I ever played on him. People would randomly IM him and he would instantly ASSume it was me. Sure sometimes it WAS me, but this one time I im’ed him and he didn’t connect it to me right away. I told him that I was looking for someone to videotape me having sex with my lover and did he do that sort of thing? He said he did, then I told him that my “lover” was my dad. I still laugh when I think about it. He said, “You know that’s illegal in 50 states?” and I said, “But we’re in love!”
And indeed we still are. Any takers for a camera man? Now that dad’s in his 80’s, he’s free to do a scene anytime.
I finally had sex in public for the first time yesterday afternoon. It wasn’t nearly as exciting as I thought it would be. I was walking up to the mailbox and the neighbor’s Chow came running up to me and began to enthusiastically sniff my crotch. Now granted I know my crotch is full of goddessy goodness,but I’m rather choosy about who I let whiff it. I shooed the idiot away with a piece of mail and in my enthusiasm sent it flying. When I bent over to pick up the mail, the dog’s snout went so far up my ass I had to tell Mr. G I cheated on him. I realized it was our income tax forms. Screwed twice. Then as I was walking down the road, the Chow came charging after me and began humping my leg. I guess he knows a hot piece of ass when he smells one. Nothing lovlier than walking down the street trying to shake a damn horse off your leg. Just now when I went outside to feed the birds, the Chow was at the window looking at me while barking enthusiastically. Just what I need. A four legged stalker. I said, “Look, it’s over between you and me. You didn’t even stick around to cuddle and you never called like you said you would!” Damn loser dog. I am so over him.
While I was getting screwed Saturday, I noticed the garbage man hauling away my Christmas tree. I noticed because he was pointing and laughing at the dog on my leg as he was tossing the tree onto the truck. Normally this wouldn’t bother me except that it’s a freaking artificial tree and the third year in a row one of my bratty offspring pitched it out. Although I will confess it does save me the hassle of having to store it every year. When I yelled at the devious little offspring, he said, “Well, gosh Mom it looked so realistic, I thought it was a natural Pine tree.”
I would have bought that except the tree was freaking silver.
Sadly, South and I did NOT win AVN’s Couple of the Year award Saturday night. But truthfully, I knew we had about as much chance of winning that as South had of getting inducted into their Hall of Fame.
That’s it for now. I’m gonna go see if the Chow wants to hook up for dinner and a movie…