Neal Cassidy and Jack Kerouac made being on the road seem so fun. Must have been the enormous amount of drugs and alcohol they were consuming. I did drive through Mount Airy yesterday. Mount Airy was the inspiration for Mayberry and the town where they were going to erect a statue in honor of Barney Fife. I have goose bumps just writing about it. I also wanted to visit the gourd museum in Angier, but damn. It’s closed. Hard to believe people weren’t knocking down the doors of that museum, huh?
I got stopped by the poleece yesterday in Martinsville, North Carolina. So much for their “City Without Limits” motto. Apparently Martinsville’s finest have “limits” when it comes to making illegal turns.
Cop: “You made an illegal turn.”
Me: “How in the world am I supposed to know I can’t turn there? I‘m not from this city.”
Cop: “Do you see that sign?“
Me: “You mean the one that says ‘No Turning’?“
Cop: “Well that was your first clue.”
And yet, I ignored that. Go figure.
Then he said, “I’m going to run your license and registration.”
Me: “Can we skip ahead to the part where you check my bra for drugs like they do on COPS?”
Sure he was a little on the old side, but it’s been four days now since I was sexed up. Don’t judge me!
Cop: “Well, do you have drugs in your bra?”
I said, “That’s for me to know and for you to fondle me to find out.”
What does he do? He brings in a female cop to pat me down. Sure, make the lesbian chick’s day.
I just crossed over the South Carolina border this morning when I experienced engine trouble. It’s my own fault really. I tried to pass a semi. Seriously, what was I thinking? The speedometer went to 57 and the whole damn car started shaking like a pedophile surprised by Chris Hansen and the Dateline camera crew. Now this is the worst part about the whole incident. As I’m attempting to pass this semi, an Impala from the early 70‘s FLIES past me. The guy is laughing and waving. I screamed, “I know my car sucks! Don’t rub it in!”
And now how ironic is it that while I’m sitting in the waiting room of the garage, I’m reading an article on about the 30 most environmentally friendly cars. The Kia Rio is on the list, of course. How could it not be environmentally friendly? Half of it’s lifetime is spent in the garage awaiting repairs.
I cannot believe what I just read on New York’s Craigs List: “I have 3 BRAND NEW TMX ELMOS. They have never been opened and I am giving them away at the price of $200 each.” GIVING THEM AWAY? They’re only $34 to begin with at WalMart! How could anyone be so GREEDY? And they stole my money making idea, damn it! And on that note…still no Fuck Me Elmo. I officially HATE HIM, I hate Fisher Price and I hate what this whole thing is doing to me. Yesterday I saw an old woman with a TMX Elmo in her shopping cart and I asked her if I could have it because I needed one for a poor little orphan girl with no eyes. She said, “If she has no eyes give the old Tickle Me Elmo. She’ll never know the difference.“ Cocksucker! I just hope that in the meantime parents don’t get the ludicrous notion into their heads that love and spending time with their kids is more important than spending globs of money on them.
I got another offer to hang with a reader while in Georgia. This person offered to take me to see a 65 foot bronze colored fish in Atlanta. I just wish it was Christmas time because the guy said they slap a festive Santa hat on the fish during the holidays.
Damn. They just informed me that they have to order parts for the Rio. Guess I’ll be spending the night in Greenville. Hang on, Mr. Snuggles, I’ma comin’!