Not to worry.
Apparently people in porn still aren’t doing anything
stupid. But if you are in porn, and you do plan to do
something stupid, email me and tell me about it, will
ya? Damn. I’m starting to sound like a South update
already. I wasn’t sure I wanted to update this time
around when Mike asked me. I’m never sure because my
site is so different from his. I told South I’d think
about it. He kept begging and I kept refusing. (I
admit it. It makes me wet when he begs.) But when he
said, “Fine! Update for me, and I’ll buy you that damn
laptop you’ve been whining about wanting!” well, then
I knew. I’d really have to think about it.
One thing I forgot to mention yesterday about my trip.
When I reached the South, every time I stopped at a
garage for gas, they’d ask me if I was gonna “are up.”
Or at least that’s what it sounded like. I didn’t want
to appear stupid, so I pretended like I knew what they
were talking about. The last guy that said, “Ain’t cha
gonna are up? Might git a flat tar.” sounded so
doggone serious that I found myself standing there
contemplating the risks of not “are-ing up”, and I
didn’t even know what the hell he was talking about!
“Are?” “Tar?” WTH?! In the North we have a phrase,
“read (pronounced “red”) up” and that means to clean
up, so I thought maybe “are up” had something to do
with freshening up and I kept saying, “No, I’ll do it
when I get to Atlanta.” Every one of them looked at me
like I was nuts. The first thing I did when I got to
the trailer was call Mom South and get a Southernese
to English translation. Turns out that AIR is
pronounced ARE in the South and “air up” means to put
air in your tires. And TAR is TIRE. Well hell no
wonder they thought I was crazy. Who puts are in their
tars after they reach their destination?! Why oh why
can’t they just speak English? It’s like their from a
farn country. (Yeah THAT ONE I got.)
I had a very busy day today. I spent the better part
of two hours drawing devil horns and mustaches on all
of South’s pics of Adella. Now I know exactly what
you’re thinking. “But Goddess, didn’t you blacken any
of her teeth or draw big round framed glasses on her?”
Done and done.
While digging through all of his personal belongings,
I noticed that South is becoming much more clever at
hiding things. I haven’t been able to find a single
credit card yet. Damn. I have a two page order for the
“House of Cheese and Porn” that just can’t wait.
I thought leaving the snow behind in PA would be fun,
only to find out that Atlanta was under a frost
warning. Whoo hoo. So I decided to spend the day
indoors, thus giving Holly the chance to really made
some headway on South’s antique bed frame. But first I
made a run to WalMart to stock up on some healthy
snacks. I bought some Ding Dongs, M & M’s, a power
drill (I don’t need it, but it was cheap) and a box of
wine. Do you know what annoys me about WalMart,
though? I mean besides the vicious undercutting of the
competition. I always leave there feeling really
disappointed. I blame the greeter. All I ever get is a
monotone “hi.” Hell, I can get that from the cashiers!
I expect much more from a professional greeter. I
wonder what sort of training you have to undertake to
do that job? Six stressful weeks of “Hello 101”? {Not
to be confused with Dollar General’s training course,
“101 Ways to Avoid Saying ‘Thank You’ to the
Customer.”} Followed by another intensive six weeks of
“Is That a Return? I’ll Need to Mark It”?
When I arrived back at South’s trailer, there were a
bunch of street thugs hanging around at the corner. I
yelled, “Don’t you punks even think about stealing my
Kia!!” Hey, I watch COPS. You gotta be firm with these
punks. One shouted something about having standards
and they all laughed. And laughed. And laughed.
Bastards. They should be so lucky to steal a car as
fabu as my Rio. And as long as they don’t have to
accelerate uphill they should be able to make a
moderately quick get away. Course they’ll have some
serious explaining to do about the bumper sticker on
the back that reads, “How’s my tits? Call
1-800-Goddess and let me know!”
I received an email from Dirty Bob, which included a
pic of South that he wanted me to ask you guys to
caption. I said I would IF DB allowed the winner to
attend the show in Tampa this fall. See how I care
about you guys??? But alas, he said the winner would
not go to Tampa, but would receive a lap dance from
South. I’m sorry, but I don’t know too many people who
want to see South in a jock strap shaking his family
jewels in their face. To be fair though, since it’s
HIS idea, I think Dirty Bob should have to give the
lap dance. Whadda think?
I also received this email from Maxx Beaver, “Howdy
Goddess (who is standing in for the infamous Mike
South this week), Maxxx Beaver here, direct from
the Lodge…
Went over to Lukeford.com today, seeing what that
substance abusing Scott Fayner is up to these
days….Looks like he might be selling his site.
But ya never know….Could be another one of his damn
publicity stunts to see how many people have interest
in him, his site or the porn industry for that
matter…He pulled a death one on April 1st, that is
so childish…oh well.
I will never understand some people within the
Industry…
So, now to keep on topic, Ya think www.lukeford.com
will be for sale or is this another farce?”
Oh damn. South assured me there would be no porn and
no math involved in updating!
Not to put Scott down because he’s a good writer,
too, but I stopped reading LukeFord.com when Luke
stopped writing it. I heart Luke and he was the draw
for me, so when he left, I left. What I really love
about his interviews is this: people will say “I’m not
going to answer any of your questions,” then Luke will
proceed to get four or five answers out of them.
Classic Luke.. Thanks for the kind words and the
email, Maxx, but you’ll have to wait for South to
return to get an answer on whether or not the site is
really for sale.
I also received four copies of the email, “achieving
your goals of becoming a better man” and six of the
“become the man that women desire” email. Hey, I’m
starting to get a real complex here. I’ve tried to
become a better man! But the tits and the pussy don’t
seem to help matters much.
While I was answering email, I was also listening to
the tv because I like to run South’s utility bills up
as much as possible when I stay here. Just a little
courtesy I provide. They had the funniest ep on
World’s Wildest Police Videos. This guy thought he was
hiring a hit man to murder his wife and three other
people, but the man was actually an undercover cop.
They were discussing price and the “hit man” said he
wanted between $10k and $15k for the murders. The guy
said he only had $500, but he would be willing to MAKE
PAYMENTS. Like it’s a frickin’ Kmart layaway.
Ok, worst usage of a good song in a commercial? Lime
Coke’s new ads. They use Harry Nilsson’s “Lime in the
Coconut,” song, only they say, “Put the lime in the
Coke, you nut. ” Ugh.
The great thing about updating here is that I have the
passwords for ALL of South’s sites. Yes, EVEN Southern
Bukkake! Whoo hooo! Ever since he told me he had a
couple cops in one of his bukkakes, I’ve been DYING to
watch them. So while Holly chews her way through the
Stephen King section of South’s hard back book
collection, I’m gonna do some serious DL’ing and
jilling. See ya tomorrow, kids!
Goddess
www.theworldofgoddess.com
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”
