(If you don’t already know it, you’ll soon discover that’s the normal state of our “relationship.” I’m pissed and he’s clueless to the fact that I’m pissed. Hell, I’ve been pissed at him since September ’04 and he still hasn’t figured it out.) He was telling me about all the different parts available in a music video he’s shooting and I said, “What kind of role do you have for a “Goddess, age 25-45, good looking, mu mu wearing chick?” And he said, “You’d be perfect to update my site.” WTH?Well I finally arrived in Atlanta late Sunday night. What a disaster. Instead of flying down to Atlanta, I decided to drive, thus allowing me to pocket the $200 South gave me for airfare and use it for something
really important-—scratch off lottery tickets. BTW, I won $4. Whoo hoo! As my grandpa used to say, “That’s $4 you didn’t have before.”
I drove, also, because I wanted to bring Holly with me. Holly is my neurotic, anxiety ridden 7 month old
Lab. I felt it was time for her to expand her horizons beyond the trailer court, see the world, and gnaw her
way through somebody else’s damn furniture for a week.
We were on the road about six hours, and I was following the directions from MapQuest religiously, because we all know how reliable MapQuest is. I looked up and saw a sign that read, “Welcome to the City of Brotherly Love,” and I thought, “Wow. That’s weird. Atlanta is the City of Brotherly Love, too. I always
thought Philadel—oooooh SHIT.” Fucking MapQuest. Six hours and I hadn’t even left PA. So I called my dad and begged him to wire me plane fare to Atlanta. He did, and I used it to buy more scratch off lottery
After loudly cursing the PA lottery system, once again we were on the road. Along the way I heard a news story from Chicago about a wall stain that many people believe to be in the shape of the Virgin Mary. People
are flocking to see it. I haven’t seen it but I’m a believer. I’m sure if Mary was going to appear anywhere it would be in a filthy highway underpass. Cheese sandwiches, underpasses. That Mary is a clever one. I once saw Christ in a bowl of apples and cinnamon oatmeal. I said, “Jesus, is that you?” But He didn’t answer. Actually, I had already swallowed a pretty big spoonful of Him at that point. For a Savior, He was really quite cinnamony.
I also got to hear one some cheesy songs while heading South like, like Neil Diamond’s “Girl, you’ll be a woman soon. Some day you’ll need a man.” Yeah, tell that to the lesbian chicks, Neil. And one of my all time cheesy favorites, “Ruby Don’t Take Your Love to Town.” I love the part where Kenny sings, “Its hard to love a man’s whose legs are bent and paralyzed, and the wants and the needs of a woman your age, Ruby, I realize. But if I could move I’d get my gun and put her in the ground..” I’m sure Ruby is comforted by the fact that if her husband was able to walk the first thing he’d do is kill her.
I also heard a radio commercial several times that asked the musical question: “do you think you have what it takes to be a country music star?” Hmmm, what exactly would that require? A drinking problem, an unhealthy relationship with your truck and a wandering eye?
I’m gonna sign off for now and get settled into South’s trailer. BTW, I found this pic someone had taken of Mike on his boat, This Side Up. Ain’t she a beaut? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I thought the boat would seat at least six.
As always if you have any bitchin’ to do about this week’s updates, please feel free to email Mike and tell him. I have absolutely no problem with that. I mean who can’t handle a little healthy criticism? You can email Mike at [email protected].
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”