Several months ago, I was bitching about porn vids not meeting my rigid Goddessy standards, and Tina Tyler was nice enough to send me some of her masturbation vids, called “Handy Man”.
The vids are a series of solo male masturbation scenes, which is good. If you don’t like one guy, you can easily jump to another. Mikey Butders caught my attention right away. [BTW, unless he’s getting busy between my legs, I hate calling a grown man “Mikey”.] Despite the fact that his last name immediately conjured up a mental picture of Fabio in his commercial saying, “I can’t believe it’s not butdah,” former New Yawker Mike is good looking and most importantly, he’s got a big schlong.
Tina interviews the guys a little bit before they move to the masturbation scene. She asked him what kind of girl he’s looking for and Mike said, “Understanding…petite, brunette.” I hit the roof. I yelled, “Oooh! So that’s the way it’s gonna go down, eh, Mikey? I’m tall with blond hair, so I’m good enough for you to jack off with, but I’m not good enough to be your girl! Well, let me tell you something, I don’t need you! I’ve never needed you, and you can go straight to—” Mr. G opened the bedroom door and said, “What are you screaming about?” I said, “Sorry, honey. Flashback to the night of my senior prom,” and he said, “Oh, gawd, not that freaking prom story again” under his breath. Whaaa?! I don’t tell it that often.
Bottom line is that while Tina has a really sexy, soft voice, I have to admit, I hate guys talking while they’re jacking off, and truthfully, I don’t even know how they can string coherent thoughts together. Chattering is a mood kill for me. Less yakety yak, more yankety yank, in other words. Frankly, I don’t want to know what these guys are looking for in a woman. Or where they come from or what their hobbies are. I just want them to pull down their pants and do the deed. A lot of times I don’t even want to see their faces. Does that make me a horrible person? If so, color me horrible. It’s what I like.
I watched my majority of porn vids in the 80’s. We bought tons of compilation vids with titles like “90 cum shots in 90 minutes,” so I find I have ZERO patience with a lot of vids on the market today that feature the chicks or the guys preening in the mirror or endlessly stroking themselves through their clothes. It’s boring. In other words, if porn was a roller coaster ride, the preening and posing part would not be where we’re moving slowly up the track, click, clack, building suspense. It would the part where we’re standing around waiting for them to clean up the ride cuz some kid on the previous ride puked all over the seat.
While Tina’s line is very good, I wish she’d add a “jack off montage” at the end. Show us clips of various guys in different stages of jacking off, close ups of their cocks and their hands and little else. Pull the camera in and out and just focus on the genitals. Put it to music and above all else, NO TALKING!
Thanks for sending the vids, Tina. I’ve recommended them to my gf’s who enjoy this type of porn video, too, and we’re going to watch them at an upcoming bachelorette party. Should make for a fun evening!
For your reading pleasure: this comes as no surprise to me. Blondes really do have more fun!
