Although it’s the normal
size for my site, it’s HUGE on his site. And I ginked
the margins on the last update so it looks even
bigger.
I drove to McDonald’s this morning for breakfast
because nothing gets the daily juices flowing like a
plate of grease soaked foods. While I was waiting in
line, I was unabashedly listening in on the
conversation the couple next to me was having. Hey,
the day I stop listening in on other people’s
conversations is the day I stop writing! McD Chick
said, “When I die are you going to remarry?”
Guys, welcome to our world. This is the sort of
useless crap we women spend our days worrying about.
Even though we’ll be six feet under and won’t know
what’s happening in your life, we CARE. No, not
really. We’re just worried spitless you’re gonna
replace us with someone better.
McD Guy’s like, “Are we having this conversation
again?” LOL. You could smell the frustration oozing
from his pores. Or maybe that was the hot apple pies I
was smelling. Never mind.
I felt for him, though. I really did, because we SAY
that we want you to remarry so you won’t be lonely,
guys, but we lie. We only want you to remarry if she’s
old, fat and uglee. Then we wish you all the happiness
in the world. Party on!
I never ask Mr. G this question. Ever since he was
diagnosed with diabetes, his main focus has been food.
What he can, and can’t eat and how much. Combine that
with the fact that he’s older and has that waning
testosterone…sigh. Well, lets put it this way, now
when we go to a wedding, I don’t worry about him
staring at the hot chicks. I know he’ll be too busy
salivating over the pigs in a blanket. {Female
Offspring #1 once said, “Dad, will never cheat on
you..…unless the ‘ho was a chef.”) So my question to
Mr. G is not “honey when I die will you remarry?” but
“Honey, when I die will you take anybody else to the
$5.99 All You Can Eat Ponderosa Buffet?”
On the way home from McDonald’s, I was stopped by
Georgia’s (semi) finest. It was bound to happen sooner
or later. A sexy chick like me, riding around in my
Rio. I’m a man in uniform magnet.
Cop: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I like it when the police come up to the car and ask
this. I always want to say, “What are my choices?”
My daddy always told me to just play dumb. Luckily it
ain’t that much of a stretch.
Me: “Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….no.”
Cop: “Lady, you’re steering with your elbows!”
Me: “Well how else am I supposed to drink my shake and
eat my burger while I drive?” Honestly sometimes you
have to just draw them a picture.
Cop: “What did you shove under the seat when I
approached your vehicle?”
Me: “Half of a Big Mac.”
Cop: under his breath, but loud enough for AFRICA to
hear: “Guess I don’t have to ask where the other half
is.”
Son of a BITCH! Why is that sarcastic cop humor that I
love always so much funnier when it’s directed at
someone else?!
I called home to check the answering machine messages
and voice mail, hoping someone would be missing me. I
had about ten messages that went something like this:
“If you’re there, pick up. Are you there? If you’re
there pick up. Pick up if you’re there.” Ahh, my
favorite message of all time. My mother and dad do
this EVEN on voice mail. And as many times as I have
tried to explain to them that I can’t hear them
leaving a voice mail message, they continue to do it.
Ugh. I just thank God they tell me to “pick up”,
otherwise I might not ever have figured out what I
should do when the phone rings.
On to the emails, which I greatly appreciate. Whoo
hooo…
Zalriva writes:
“You’re doing a great job of cracking me up as I read
South’s site.
I suppose it doesn’t hurt that I’ve been making (and
drinking) blue hurricanes for/with the babes
tonight…
Still, I guess I’m going to have say that you’re one
funny writer, and that Mike thinks you’re too short to
look high for the really incriminating stuff…”
I have only one thing to say to you, don’t stop
drinking till Sunday when South returns! Booze makes
us all prettier and wittier. FWIW, Zalriva has a
German Shepherd icon over on Live Journal and I see
him posting to Crickett and Alexander the Poet all the
time. I saw his name the other day on South’s site,
and I thought, “Hmm, that name sounds familiar. Who is
that?” And then I thought, “Oh, yeah, he’s the German
Shepherd.” Woof woof. As far as South thinking I’m
too short to look high for the really incriminating
stuff? Nah, he knows I just don’t care.
About the Harry Nilssen song being used in Lime Coke
ads, Tod Hunter writes: “That would entail doing
something. What the Coca-Cola ad people did was put up
a title that implied that that was what Harry Nilsson
was singing. Still sucks though.”
The first time I listened to that I thought they were
singing the song the way it was originally, but then
they slapped that title up and they suckered me. Good
call, Tod.
Thanks. One of my favorite song/product combos running
on tv now is the bottled water ad using the
Carpenter’s Top of the World. It’s pop and bubbly, and
goes very well with the ad. IMHO, they did a good job
with that one.
Richard Freeman writes: “Are you 100% sure that South
offered you a lap top? and not a lap dance?”
Oh he BETTER not have said lap dance. I’ve seen enough
of his genitals to last a life time. No, wait. He
mentioned something about 40 gigs, so unless he can
store that on his “hard drive,” we were talking lap
tops. Then again, his “hard drive” is pretty big.
Tracy writes: “Just so you know, Fonduk is spelled
FONDUK.. Love your site!!!”
Whooops. I blame Tim. I also blame Tim for the high
crime rate and that gawdawful Fever Pitch. And may I
just say I think Hondas are a very fine car and I
someday hope to be able to earn enough money to buy
one ….second hand.
Dr X writes: “I’ve been reading your updates on
Mikesouth.com and you are fucking hilarious. You have
a great way of weaving together seemingly unconnected
topics in a nice neat package.”
Dr X sounds so very Mission Impossible-ish, doesn’t
it? In all the time I was whining to South about
needing some good looking guy to stalk NOT ONCE did he
mention your name. Oooh, he’s been holding out on me.
I’m rubbing my sweaty ass over his keyboard for that
one. BTW, weaving together seemingly unconnected
topics might seem like a good thing, but you wouldn’t
think that if you tried holding a conversation with
me.
Ok, I have to go round up a huge garbage bag so I can
drag all the stuff Holly has chewed up out to the curb
before South gets back. I hope he doesn’t notice the
uh…decided lack of furniture.
Goddess
www.theworldofgoddess.com
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”
OK kids, I think it was the threat of having to strip
down to his skivvies and shake his groove thang that’s
got Dirty Bob running scared. He has graciously agreed
to provide a free ticket to the award show in Tampa to
the person who comes up with the best caption for this
photo. Of course, you’re responsible for getting your
butt there and back:) But isn’t that sweet of him?
Personally I think he just didn’t want to get that
bikini wax…
DB writes: “The winner gets one VIP ticket to the
Tampa Show Oct. 10th .
YOU get to pick the winner!
No lap dancing required.. HOWEVER, the winner must
also be willing to sing a duet with Tim Case if they
have karaoke night there again the day before
the show. It will be a Julio Inglesia song titled,
“For All the Girls I’ve
Loved Before” and Tim will sing the soprano part.”
If you’re singing with Tim, you’re bound to rub elbows
with Felicia Fox. Well worth the headache you’re gonna
get coming up with a caption. So get out your Number 2
lead pencils and get started!
