The “Awful Tar is the Eiffel Tower!! And “I cauterize” doesn’t mean “to burn” it means “I caught her eyes”!” That’s it. I’m not talking to anyone else for the duration of my stay. I can’t handle the stress of trying to figure out what they’re saying.I spent a good bit of the morning parked curbside outside South’s place begging for change. I never realized that begging is such hard work. You have to stand there (or in my case sit there) looking sad and downtrodden. That’s really hard to do when inside you’re laughing yourself silly about the fact that you just ran over some cheap person’s foot with your Hoveround. Accidentally, of course.
Instead of giving the donors a faux sincere smile or pencils in return, I gave them one of South’s DVD’s. I passed out 28 DVD’s, made a cool $4.99, and I got to roll over four people’s toes. That made it all worthwhile. One guy had the audacity to say, “All I can give you is a word of encouragement.” I’m like, “Beat it. If I want encouragement, I’ll buy an Anthony Robbins book. Now move out of the way. You’re blocking my view of people willing to part with their money.” BTW, when I find out who slapped that “Extra Wide Load” bumper sticker on my Hoveround, I will kick your ass. Of course, you’ll have to position yourself in front of me, cuz I don’t want to have to exert myself and stand.
In the new Ladies Home Journal, which I read while panhandling, there’s an interview with former President Bill Clinton. He gives advice on, of all things, MARRIAGE. Yeah I really want to take marital advice from a cheater. That’s like taking advice on women from the queers on Queer Eye. Of marriage, Clinton says, “…it’s always easy to bag it. It’s harder to stay. But you know, after a certain point it seems like a lot of trouble to start again, too. There’s something to be said for staying.” In other words, he’s only staying because its too much work to start over and he’s too old at this point to bother. Oooo, the psychic in me is predicting a lot of “sleeping on the couch” time for Bill after Hilary reads that interview.
If you’re looking for a job, Al Qaeda is looking for a few good traitors. They need help “putting
together their web statements and video montages”. Is it my imagination or does it sound like they are looking for a good PR person?! No word on whether or not they pay medical benefits, but I’m guessing not slaughtering you is benefit enough.
I found this spam email in my box. “I experienced the most advanced controls over my srgasms…” What’s a srgasm? Is that like instead of screaming, “I’m cumming! I’m cumming!” you scream “FINE! I’ll cum already! Whatevah!” in a really srgastic tone?
When people find out I have 16 offspring, the most oft repeated comment is: “Goddess, I don’t have the patience to deal with 16 kids.” If I had a quarter every time I heard that, I’d be sixty-two cents richer. You don’t need patience to raise a big family. When they’re pre-teens, you need a working TV/DVD player, a steady stream of DVD’s and lots of mind numbing drugs. (For you, not them.) When they’re teens, they’ll have access to lots of drugs (for them, not you), so it all evens out. There are lots of creative ways to save money, also, when you have a big family. Take Halloween, for instance. I only buy four costumes, and I make them trick or treat in shifts. I’m also a very caring mother. I go through all of their treat bags and remove the things that might have razors in them, like Snicker Bars, 3 Musketeer Bars and Milky Way Bars, and I leave them the healthy snacks like apples and pears.
Honda is designing a new dog friendly car. Unless the interior is made entirely of steel, including steel seat belts that hyper Labs can’t chew through, fugdaboutit.
Speaking of Hondas, Al writes: “How is TimCase? He doesn’t update anymore.” I have no idea, Al. Weeks ago Tim’s life came to a grinding halt when he became the manager of a strip club. And you just knew it was going to happen. I mean, Tim in charge of a bunch of strippers? Puhleeze. After reading the gossip from Tampa, I can only imagine what Tim goes through on a daily basis. If he doesn’t write a book about his experiences, I’ll kick him myself. Even if I have to stand up to do it. But, aside from about three lines in his blog, Al, Tim hasn’t been seen or heard from since. It’s like he’s been sucked into a stripper vortex. (And not in a good way.) Readers are single handedly trying to write Tim’s blog for him by filling it up with comments. It’s very, very sad, Al, in a pathetic kind of way. I just hope the stripper experience isn’t so bad that he ends up trolling for large boxes to play in at Louie Fonduck Honda.
Goddess
www.theworldofgoddess.com
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”
